i can live.

i woke into a panic state
when i thought the time
had passed for me
and he walked into a solid room
said, excuse me sir
then he asked for me
and i wept

he turned his head and saw me there
i looked away
then he came by and shared
a smile that made me wish
that i was dead
then a quiet calm came over my head

the same day that your heart went numb
i decided to be free
so i took a bus to where i was
before you took hold of me
and i left

i didn't choose it
why can't i lose it
take it away.

but i came back and took my place
beside you and held on for two
and nothing i said seemed to penetrate
your ears or chisel through
your mind

i didn't choose it
why can't i lose it
take it away

i have tried
all these years
to decide
who i am
now i know
i can live
my own way

i didn't choose it
why can't i lose it
take it away

will you know me?

looks like i lost my way
don't care what i do
or what i say
don't look at me, look away.
not much to see here, anyway.
but i try...

i try so hard to make you proud
you hear my voice
i scream out loud
and i could pick you
from a crowd
but you don't know me.
you don't know me.

i rip the page, it falls away
don't want to live the same way
day to day to day
today i'll take a stand
for something i believe in

i'll try so hard to make some sense
of what i've done without you since.
now the crowd has gotten dense
and you don't know me.
you don't know me.

sometimes i'm standing in the way
i don't know how to move
the day is over then
i lost it somewhere in between
the age of mary and nineteen
now it's back again
feels like i breathed
the wrong air inside of me
lover, set me free
as if it's easy
to be free.

that's all behind me anyway
now i live different way
i want to know what my ending will be
when its over,
will i make myself proud
will my voice be heard out loud
could you pick me from a crowd
will you know me?

will you know me?

maybe it's time.

staying where i am
would take too much for what i know
so maybe it's time
i just let you go.
i don't want to take the chance that
you won't stick around,
but that all depends
on what you have found in me.

i look around your place
and stumble with my words.
every time i speak
i struggle to be heard,
and i can't seem to find
a way around you.

but that's just what i do.

take another secret back
don't let it out too fast.
let your lies become part of your past.
if we're moving on then we need
one foot on the ground.
but maybe it's time
i made you a memory.

if i give a little more
that's a little more i won't
get back from you.
and that's a little more
than i think i could ever let myself do.
i've made mistakes
but i won't make that one with you.

but that's just what i do

you can destroy my life
but you can't take away my high
of all the words between my lips
the one you hear is goodbye
and i think i'm going to stay in the sky.

but that's just what i do.

staying where i am
would take too much for what i know
so maybe it's time
i just let you go.

loose ends, tied.

karma is a funny thing. sometimes it can take years for something to come full circle, sometimes only a matter of seconds.

a particularly slow sunday afternoon at work provided me with the opportunity to take a walk, smoke a cig, and enjoy the beautiful breeze on this otherwise cloudy day. as i was passing binn's park on queen street, a small asian gentleman approached me. he went into the typical "my mom's in the hospital and i need bus fare to get there" fable. despite the fact that there are three hospitals within walking distance of where i was standing, not to mention that i had heard this at least a dozen times before, i decided that i was not one to judge him for spinning this tale. he may have a very good, but embarassing reason for needing the money. so i split the difference and told him i only had a dollar (i had eight) and produced it from my pocket. he left with my cold, hard cash in his hand, and i continued on my journey.

i then went around the block and was walking through the arts district near the fulton opera house. a young boy, about eight or nine, was riding his bike towards me, when my shoe stubbed the pavement and my body heaved forward slightly. as our paths crossed i heard him mutter "did you almost trip? beaaatch..." i'm not one to start shit with third graders, so i kept moving. not ten seconds later did i hear his tires scrape the pavement. i turned and noticed that he was leaning against the wall, trying to regain his balance. not able to help myself, i shouted "did you almost fall? beaaatch...." and kept walking. i heard him yell "fuck you" in an obvious attempt to rile me further, but we were even, and that's the way it should be.

i then noticed something sticking out of a sewer grate. it was a dollar.

i don't believe in reincarnation, but...

the gentleman on the left is 1930's child actor/singer, bobby breen. the gentleman on the right is me, bobby breen. does anyone see a resemblance? when i was little, i wanted to be a famous moviestar/singer, just like this kid. his name is bobby breen. come on, people, it's freaky. i don't have any pictures from my younger years, but the similarities are even stronger. i was a fat kid then, so my cheeks were chubbier, and my nose stuck out more. seriously, everything but the hair. this is too weird. someone call shirley maclaine.

goodbye, orange hat.

i'm pissy today. here's why.

i've been seeing orange hat. he's great. we click. it's magic, butterflies, lollipops, and celine dion songs. we talk easily, and have comfortable silence. we like a lot of the same movies, and when we don't, we tease each other heartily about our cinematic low points (bring it on? really?) we both like holding hands and having sex in public. there's passion, connection, a sense of understanding, and overall, we really like being together.

he just didn't tell me he had a boyfriend.

i'm not going to get all cliched and tell you that i've never felt like this before, that i never meet someone i click with. i haven't, and i don't, but i'm not going to say that. it's corny. what i will say, however, is that i must have fucked someone's boyfriend at some point to receive this kind karmic treatment. i know, let's let bobulah meet this guy, and have him be everything he likes about a man. let's make sure they make each other laugh, and the exchanges must be easy and natural. oh, and let's throw in a fuckload of sexual chemistry. can't forget that. what's that? he has a boyfriend? perfect.

ok, there's more to this story. he's at the end of his relationship. it's been over for a while, and he's over the guy. it's just not actually over. so i told him i would save him the trouble of having to break two guys' hearts in one year and i ended it, whatever it was. i told him to call me when he had things settled in his heart and his head. so, i got out before i really started to like him, and i gained a new batch of self-respect as a bonus. and who knows? he might call me in a few months.

i hope so.

tagged by trouble.

five things in my refrigerator: minced garlic, two bottles of miller lite, a half-drunk bottle of riesling, an apple mixer, bottle of aspirin.

five things in my closet: box of pictures, broadway showcards, shoes, neck massager, sex box (massage oil, condoms, rope, lubricant, poppers, preparation h).

five things in my purse: i don't carry a purse, but if i did, i would keep in it: my cell phone, keys, cigarettes, lighter, vomit bag.

five things in my car: mouthwash, axe body spray, a googly-eyed hand puppet, a script, a harmonica

five people now tagged by me: well since i know four people on this blog and they've all been tagged, then i'm not tagging anyone. nya-nya.

p.s. i would like to formally suggest that we add "five things in your sex box" to the list of questions.

best karaoke ever.

kmoney

i know there are people who were there last night who would disagree with the title of this blog, but last night was such a huge ego boost that if i hadn't been so down on myself lately i would have probably drowned in my own feces.

it started around 9 p.m. i drank three beers before leaving the house, desperately trying to dodge my grandmother's evil glances. it's not that she was worried about me having a few and then driving, she just can't stand the idea of anyone having more fun than she is. considering what her life has been like since she moved into Breen Manor (see post, "dropping like...you know") the only people having less fun than her are south african hemophiliac prostitutes and bill o'reilly (not that he doesn't engage in amusing activities, like phone sex, but his heart is so black and numb that i would find it hard to believe that he feels any joy).

i leave around 9:15, arriving at the bar at 9:30. there is a different doorman tonight, not the usual ghetto-wannabe with a bowl cut and white t-shirt the size of kirstie alley's ass. i immediately see star, our own lovable kj, and the best thing to come out of a hippie since joni mitchell's "blue". i sit and chat for a while and then, noticing my fading buzz, head to the bar. gary is there in all his emotionless splendour, and pours me a shot while i wait for my pitcher. the jack slides down effortlessly, while i, on the other hand, have trouble accepting it into my body. i do a half sneeze/half hyperventilation, and shake my head back and forth violently to keep from passing out. man, that shit is great. then i notice kmoney wandering in. ah, the great and magnificent kmoney. what can one say?

i order another shot for later so that i can focus all of my attention on choosing songs. we decide to sit at the judges table, the one right up front facing the stage. with no discussion, i assume the duties of "the paula" for the evening. this basically means i get stinking drunk and tell everyone how amazing they are. if i do say so, i fill the role nicely.

star joins us at the table while we wait for more people to arrive, and he tells us that he and his wife are separating. as we get drunker and drunker, the topic moves to women, and i mention that i've slept with a few of those in my time. star then achieves quote of the night status by saying "oh, so you're gay with a chance of women". 20 minutes later, when kmoney and i finally stop laughing, we vow to remember this for our blogs.

karaoke starts about 45 minutes late. i open the night, introduced as "diva bob" as usual, and tear through cab calloway's "minnie the moocher". it isn't my best, but a group of intoxicated early twenty-something girls seem to appreciate my effort. we then find out that this is a bachelorette party and someone named "hester" (very, very unsure of the name, but this one is amusing) is getting married in eight days. i hope her fiance knows what a fall-down lush his future wife is.

a few minutes later, i notice an attractive man with a beard enter, but just before i stick out my chest and start howling at the disco ball, i see a luscious mane of red fabulousness, and i know i'm in for some trouble. i didn't recognize superfly, because i'd only met him once and i was, you guessed it, drunk. hugs are exchanged, excited conversation ensues, and i inform trouble that my new favorite word is "fantastic", and that she should expect to hear it a lot. I do not dissapoint.

because of the light crowds, i assume we'll all be singing a few times, so i choose a fluff song for my next performance. for non-karaoke addicts, a fluff song is one that isn't really perfect for you, but that you to love sing and always have a lot of fun with. my fluff song for the evening is "miss independant" by kelly clarkson. kmoney immediately forbids it and i'm forced to rush to the stage with my slip without writing down the disc number. i sing it, and surprise even myself. kmoney grudgingly admits that it worked but that he still never wants to hear it again. what a bitch!

while i'm singing, lindsay walks in with her new beau. he's gorgeous and sweet and incredibly laid-back. my kind of guy. the energy in the room is electric and its pretty clear that this is going to be one hell of an evening. trouble, superfly, and kmoney rip their respective songs to shreds and receive healthy responses each. then its time for my third selection, "rock your body" by justin timberlake, another fluff song.

around this time, i notice that my phone is blinking. i have a missed call from an ephrata number very similar to lore's private work line. assuming she had worked late, i go outside to listen to the message only to hear lisa's voice (see post, "kmoney and my karaoke problem"). she is in pennsylvania for the weekend and wants to hang out with me and kmoney on monday. when i tell kmoney, he nearly falls off his chair and runs up the stairs to call her. we discuss monday, but i have tickets to see ani difranco in pittsburg and he works very early on tuesday. we tell her that it's saturday or not at all to see us, so we make plans for a karaoke rerun the next evening. this is how happy i am. http://alan.levien.com/alan.happy.1.jpg

by the time i get to my fourth number, its apparent that i have some fans, endearingly referred to by star as the bachelorettes. they bring me up for a song or two, dance enthusiastically during my performances, and serve me well as my own personal cheering section. at the end of the night they place a delicious blue cotton candy-flavored drink in front of me, a hearty token of their appreciation for being my fabulous self.

my big song of the night, the one i had been rehearsing for weeks, is "people" by barbara streisand. it's just in my range, not too high, not too low, has the kind of intimate feel that i prefer to convey with my singing style, and allows me to belt within my comfort area. i don't do as well with it as i had hoped, but kmoney, who had had severe reservations about my song choices for the evening, gave me my props. because his opinion is more important to me than most, mainly because of his honesty, i felt i had succeeded.

i ask star to close the night with my signature tune, "when you're good to mama" from chicago, but the crowd had been screaming "free bird" for an hour. just after i sing "people", two attractive men standing by the bar offer to pay me 20 bucks to close out with it. i eventually get 15, but decide this was more than i had ever been paid to sing anything, and oblige them with the tune.

the evening ends with our usual journey into the land that food forgot: eatnpark. i make a porcine fool of myself with the midnight breakfast buffet, and we talk, laugh, and sing more songs (because we just can't get enough). as the crowd thins, and we begin to gradually slow down, we look at each other, smiling, knowing we had just experienced something magical. a great night of karaoke, friends, and beer.

it doesn't get much better than that.

why i'm going to quit smoking.

break me off a piece of that...

having completed all of my duties an hour before my 7 p.m. deadline, i decided to take a quick smoke break. i don't even have words for how strange this no more than five-minute adventure was. this is what i saw:

at least four homeless-looking men, wasted, wandering around on the street with paper coffee cups, "night of the living dead"-style.

two men in wheelchairs, one with no legs, and the other with a very large boombox duct taped to the back, blasting salsa music.

a woman with an ass so large, a 50 ft. harnass and bungee straps wouldn't have been able to save anyone in its trajectory.

one very, very attractive man.

i returned from my cancerfication session feeling a potpurri of emotions including, but not limited to: confusion, fear, disgust, sexual arousal, and a deep sense of forboding. i'm now worried that because of this sensory overload, the whole experience will mesh into a single sense memory, and i'll start trying to pick up big-assed, drunk homeless guys in wheelchairs.

if i find myself tempted to go back and drop my number into one of those little cups, you will most likely not hear from me again.

my favorite deadly sin: sloth.

this was me last night.

i am proud to announce that i had the single laziest night of my life last night. i left work around 4:30, drove home, put on a 'friends' dvd, pushed play, and did not move until the next morning. not once. i didn't even pee. at one point i did get hungry, but my brother was already cooking something and offered to bring me some. i ate, he took out my dish, i changed the channel, then scratched myself for about 37 minutes.

i fell asleep around midnight to an infomercial (something about a magical clam opener or something. maybe i was having my vagina nightmare again). and woke up the next morning at 8 a.m. to my cell phone screaming in my ear. literally, my usual fetal position had somehow caused the antenna to firmly lodge itself inside my ear, and now i am deaf in my right ear from its alarm. i'm like a pretty elliott yamin.

so...that's a good 15 hours i spend completely inert.

i rock.

the idle idol test.

i'm sure that, like me, many of you out there have been walking around in circles in your apartments mumbling, "after the break...after the break...." yes, i'm talking about american idol withdrawl.

some of its symptoms include: singing into the mirror and critiquing yourself; actually buying old paula abdul cds just to hear her voice; slipping in and out of consciousness; wearing warrior paint as you rehearse your audition song, while stocking up on non-perishable foods, batteries for your ipod, and old pillows you wouldn't mind throwing out after two days of sleeping on cold hard concrete in the rain only to have some ditzy mailroom clerk they picked to screen contestants tell you you're not good enough for the most mediocre singing extravaganza since madonna's last tour.

that last one rings true for me, as i have auditioned for american idol not once, but twice, with varying degrees of success. (i will detail these experiences in a future post, once they are not too painful to recount.)


so here is a test of your idol knowledge, some will be easy, some will be difficult. post your answers in the comments section of this blog. i'll post the answers when i feel like it. hey, it's at least something to do until next january.

ladies and gentlemen, the idle idol test.

1) kelly clarkson is from______________.
2) which two idol winners landed in the bottom two earlier in their respective seasons________________?
3) what is fantasia's son's name? nikki mckibbin's?
4) katharine mcphee is rumored to be a_______________.
5) how did ace young get his scar?
6) what is jon stevens cd called?
7) what song did latoya london sing in the semis that pushed her to the front of the pack?
8) simon always proclaims someone the winner during the final performance night. who did he get wrong?
9) who is the only idol contestant to sing a song a capella on the show, and what was the song/original artist?
10) where was anthony federov born?
11) how many cds did justin guarini sell?
12) what is elliott yamin's girlfriend's name?
13) what is vonzell solomon's nickname?
14) what were the vote percentages for the final three in season five?
15) who was disqualified in season one for lying about his age?
16) what was the name if taylor hicks' last independant release?
17) who was the fourth judge who quit during auditions during season two?
18) what was the name of corey clark's single that detailed his scandalous relationship with an idol judge?
19) how many stepchildren does chris daughtry have?

and finally, just out of curiousity...

20) who is your personal idol?

there you go. i know it won't satisfy the hunger until next season, and it's not nearly as entertaining as watching paula try to feel her face (see above), but hopefully it will serve as a worthy distraction. trouble and kmoney, i expect results, bitches. enjoy!

ebola fever.

it's kind of like disco fever, but with less liza, cocaine, and anonymous sex.

oh, and lots more bleeding from the ass.

i'm going to commit blogger thievery and steal a topic from my good buddy, kmoney. he posted a hilarious rant on his love of high death-rate diseases that liquify your organs, and mentioned that there were a few states (whose color we shall not mention) in which he would really like to see an outbreak in his lifetime.

so, with kmoney's permission (except not, because i haven't actually asked him) and without further adue, here is my top ten places/people upon which/whom i would like to inflict this nasty little treat:

1) the 700 club

2) jerry falwell

3) on behalf of trouble, "ms." ann coulter

4) britney and kevin's, oakridge park, section three, lot 285c.

5) eat n' park (except i'm pretty sure it's already there).

6) cracker barrel (nuff said)

7) any place inhabited by those who would make a meal of anything's feet, pickled, and served with, of course, some sort of greens, collard or turnip.

8) toby keith's left testicle (can it be concentrated on just one body part? because that would be great.)

9) if so, also, laura bush's vagina. i don't want to make direct threats against the president (never know who's listening nowadays) but i'm sure he'll catch it when, once a month, laura spreads her legs to perform her godly wifechore and he pants like an ox in heat, pumps wildly, and then has three quick spasms followed by dry heaving and screaming for his mommy.

10) whoever first said, "hey, let's just film a bunch of really pretty, shallow, unintelligent people living together, while they all fuck each other and get mad at stupid petty shit they say when they're drunk, which is always. we'll call it the real world."

yeah, because that's how the real world actually is.

raise your glass.

i drank a little bit last night. i lost count after five pints and one failed attempt to chat someone up. how british do i sound right now? i picked up my friend matty, an artist friend from high school who was visiting from new york, and we went to the tally ho, the only gay bar in town, for karaoke. matty was wearing, in true starving artist's form, a wifebeater, puff-painted with neon flowers and birds, a pair of plaid old man shorts, and a sweater with no less than sixteen holes. he also must not have showered in weeks because he smelled like a fresh batch of ass. this is what made me realize where the prorities of the gay community lie, and why i had never really related to them. despite his appearance (and smell), because he has not an ounce of fat on him, and a somewhat attractive baby face, he got more attention than i did. i spent 20 minutes carefully choosing an outfit that highlighted my most attractive qualities, downplayed by weaknesses, and showcased my fun, casual, yet quirky personality and i get nada. all sails were at half mast for me, while my friend who looked like Homo the Hobo was the hot shiznit.

i tried not to let this put a damper on my game. i talked to this handsome bloke (hehe) three times and each time he was completely unresponsive. then, from across the room, our eyes would meet and his gaze would be locked for about five to ten seconds. i was a little tipsy by then, and very, very confused. so i would go over and try again. i made casual, witty conversation with him and the other two gentlemen at his table. one was older with glasses. the other was probably about my age (25), somewhat overweight, balding, with a goatee, and also had glasses. later in the evening, i wandered back to their table and began babbling drunken nonsense which, at one point, included, "well, i guess i struck out on that one!" the unnatractive, balding, fat, goateed, man with glasses smiled and said, "we're here together". what???? i tried not to let on that i was in an intense state of shock, but i felt that familiar red heat flash across my face. so i passed it off as embarassment, apologized, congratulated him on finding someone so attractive despite his lack of physical capital (ok i didn't say that, but i was thinking it) and excused myself. i still think his "date" was interested in me, but i wasn't really interested enough to put more mental energy into it. besides, it's probably so hard for that man to find a date in this town.

i understand that i am probably coming off as completely shallow right now, but on the contrary. if i were getting lots of attention from the men around here, showing disdain to someone less attractive than i am would be completely out of line. however, they are not exactly knocking down my door, and i haven't been on a real date since i broke up with charlie. unless you consider smoking pot and watching gay porn a date, which i do not.

despite all this, it was actually a great night. i sang two songs really well to a great response, got loaded with a good friend, had some great conversations, etc. and i did meet someone. the thing is, there were lots of attractive men there, and i tried to make contact, unsuccessfully, with two of them. but there was only one who i could actually imagine being interested in anything more than a quick shag (cheerio!). after i hit on someone's boyfriend, smiled at someone from across the room only to be greeted with what i think was him sticking his finger down his throat and gagging, i saw this really sexy guy walk in wearing an orange hat. something about him gave me goosebumps, and i usually have no trouble talking to guys myself if the timing is right, but he made me nervous. luckily he walked over to the corner where he was greeted by my friend jon. i had already said hi to jon, but i figured another quick chat wouldn't hurt. i pulled jon to the side, and immediately his hands went all over me. i did my best to use my body language to make sure the guy i was interested in, who was sitting right there, knew i wasn't into this. so i kept my distance, while he tried to slow grind my patootie, and asked him about the cute guy in the orange hat. he said he was a friend from a previous employer, and that he was gay and single. i briefly considered asking him to introduce us, but i decided to take the middle school route: "tell him i think he's hot". i'm really losing my edge. anyway, i returned to my friends and the night dragged on. finally it was time to leave. as we were heading towards the door, i noticed orange hat sitting against the wall by himself. i firmly squeezed two round testicles from the depths of my bowels into my empty sack and introduced myself. turns out, he was interested, too, and jon had never said anything. i wonder why? i left with his number in my phone and a plan to wait three days and ask him out for coffee three days after that.

things are looking up.

p.s. a warm and healthy blogger.com welcome to my good friend k-money. a link has been set up so that you may read his inspired ramblings on none other than...ketchup.

amusements, musings, and a really big problem.

1) the other day i saw the largest car i've ever seen. an excursion, i think. i wanted to tell its owner off, but i didn't have time. do people have any idea how irresponsible it is to have a car that big? or are we too wrapped up in our pathetic, small lives to care? no, don't worry your pretty little face about wittle old gwobal wawming! seriously, don't do anything. please remain on your ass. unless, of course, your nine by 25-foot hunter green mammoth with monstrous treaded tires that gets half a mile to the gallon is running on empty. then, by all means, remove the empty mcdonalds containers from your lap, turn off american idol, barrel down the street to the nearest petrolium graveyard and fill that shit up. we don't want to live in a world where iraqi blood is spilled for nothing, do we? why does anyone need a car that big? i'm sorry, are you driving up the side of a mountain after soccer practice?

2) this is funny. when i read it i thought it was real, so that might offer some explantation for my amusement, but check it out anyway: http://http:/www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/6/7michalski.html
I always felt that whitney's assertion that she makes too much money to do crack was kind of a quick gunshot to the foot. ok, then she does coke, which she can afford. she is constantly tweaked out of her mind, she's pissed away an unbelievable gift, and she is sad. does anyone really care which drug she uses?

3) i'm going to see ani difranco next week. i'm very excited because i just found out that our show is in a place that only seats 550, so it will be relatively intimate. if we get there early enough, we can reserve a table right by the stage. it's my first time seeing her and the tix were a birthday present from my friend nate, who inspired the deep love i have for this righteous babe. he'll be coming with me, and even though it's his umpteenth time seeing her live, he says that it will be our first time, so it will be special. i kinda wish he was talking about something else. haha, just kidding. except i'm serious. my job is to find touristy things to do in pittsburgh, and to supply the weed. nate's job is to think of everything ani likes and then to research areas, restaurants, bars, shops, museums that correspond to her lifestyle/interests, so that we may stalk her. the goal is to get high with ani difranco.

4) job stuff: they're cutting my position down to 26 hours per week, which means i either need to get a part-time job, which would be difficult, or find something else. if i leave, that will also mean i could do some part-time freelance writing which my position had kept me from doing (tax reasons). now, i'm a writer, so this would be a great opportunity for me and my career. i was hoping, when i took the job, that it would lead to something just like it, so i'm thinking i'm quitting my job tomorrow. comments/advice would be appreciated, and probably ignored.

in case you care.

1) i am making my big return to the stage tonight in "get carter" for theater of the seventh sister. i haven't acted in nearly seven years.

2) i've decided to take kmoney's and trouble's advice and ended my fling, made a conscious effort to put charlie in my past, at least emotionally, and set aj straight on the realities of our relationship. my slate is clean.

3) i saw my good friend matty from high school last night. he's in town for the weekend. we spent three hours searching for any sign of attractive homosexual life in lancaster, only to find lots of beer and a plate of chicken parmesan from eatnpark.

4) because of our man hunt, i got zero sleep and am now falling out at my desk. i hope my boss doesn't walk in.

5) i'm starting to believe that two things cause apathy: not knowing enough, and knowing too much. when you know too much, it becomes overwhelming, because what the hell can you do? so you just read the newspaper, discuss your outrage with your friends, blog on it, and, every november, take your little robot ass down to the polls to cast your meaningless vote. i simply do not care anymore. i'm at the point where it would just be more fun to sit back and laugh while they run this overrated country into the ground. suh. nap.

that's it for now, kids. wish me broken legs tonight!

sweet hypocrisy.

personally, i'm for gay marriage. not that i would ever take part in it. go, joni: "we don't need no piece of paper from the city hall keeping us tied and true". besides, we already have marriage equality in this country. all marriage sucks ass.

anyway, i found this amusing. hopefully you will too.

12 reasons gay marriage will ruin society.

1) Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.

2) Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

3) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

4) Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5) Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, Blacks can't marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.

6) Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

7) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.

8) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.

9) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

10) Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

12) Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

empty hands.

everyone is allowed to be self-indulgent and serious from time to time, so here's my shot.

ok, so i've been talking my friends' ears off about my romantic entanglements lately, but i still feel like i need to get something out and, frankly, i'm tired of hearing myself talk. so i'm posting the history of my heart here, so that i can go to my friends and say, "i'm having trouble with my quasi-boyfriend, here's the address, call me when you've read it". i have an incredibly complex and bizarre lovelife/sexlife normally, but this year has been exceptionally strange.

a brief history:

gay children, unlike their straight counterparts, do not have the luxury of exploring their sexuality during those crucial teen years. this leads to an intense sexual/romantic repression. when you finally do have the freedom to explore, the term explore is no longer sufficient. some people, myself especially, have sex and date with the passion of an adhd child at an imax presentation of how hershey makes its candy. i went through many, many, many two week relationships and one-night stands. my friends eventually dismissed every mention of a new guy with an eye roll and a quick subject change.

by the time i turned 21, i was ready for something different. that's when i met aj. he was my first boyfriend who lasted more than a month, and i finally, finally fell in love. because he was here on summer vacation to work with his brother-in-law, however, it didn't last, and he went back to florida. over the next three years, i began to fall back into old patterns, and i only got over him about a year ago. i saw him last christmas and sort of had a "wow, i would never fall in love with this person now" moment. there's nothing wrong with him, i've just come a long way in the guy department. what gets me now is very different and, well, not him.

once i was sure i was really over aj, i met charlie. he was 30 (a very attractive age for me), incredibly sexy in his own "aw shucks" kind of way. very masculine and natural. to give an example of the intensity of our connection: sex for me has always been a less-than-half-hour affair--quick, painless, simple, and hot. charlie and I made out for five hours on the first date, and I thought it was like an hour. Then and there I knew I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I fell in love with him when i saw him carrying his son to bed one night after we'd been dating for about a month. yeah, that'll do it.

a brief aside: it is interesting to note that the only two men i have loved have dark, curly hair.

charlie and i were together for about six months. because this was my first real adult relationship, i was incredibly insecure and neurotic, which made him distant and aloof, which only made me more insecure and neurotic. we had very different ideas of what a relationship should be, and neither of us satisfied each other's needs outside of the bedroom. eventually, problems surfaced there as well. so we broke up, for the second time, for good, citing incompatibility. i cited pussyness on his part for not being able to handle a challenging man. he cited an intensity in my behavior that turned him off. a few months later, we decided to try to be friends, which led to sex, which led to me getting attached again. so we put a stop to the sex and are now just friends. because of the relationship, i'm more mature, grounded, and have a much better idea of what works for me and what i really want. secretly, i'd love another chance with him, but i don't think he could ever feel the same way again. so he's a mistake i've got to live with.

now i've met someone new that i really like. i'm attracted to him, we have a blast together, we talk easily and laugh often, and we seem to click. the problem is that he's not the kind of guy i would ever seriously date, and he feels the same way. i'm not sure where this is going, but i'm fairly sure it's not lovesville.

so last weekend, aj called me to see if i'd gotten my plane tickets for my visit this summer. i've never been to see him and i've promised so many times, so i'm finally flying (for the first time) to see him. he said something during that conversation that i can't seem to get out of my head. he quietly mentioned that he'd told his boyfriend, who i've met and really, really like, that if he had stayed in lancaster, he and i would probably still be together. then, to me, he said, i would really like to still be your boyfriend, if things were different. with a calmness i never thought would be possible in this situation (which i had imagined thousands of times before), i said, well things aren't different, and you did leave, and that's life, so there's no point in discussing this.

seriously, he has a boyfriend. is he trying to make things uncomfortable on my first real vacation in three years? he had a three-year window of opportunity to say this to me, and i would have been on the next flight. a part of me feels like i owe it to those three years to test my feelings and see what happens, but another part says, window closed---next. but then i snap back to reality and realize that he just doesn't do it for me anymore. the sexual connection was never really that strong, and that's something that is really important to me. i can't be in a passionless relationship. it doesn't work for me.

my friend kmoney said that i need a clean slate, and a new boyfriend. to this i replied that i sort of had my hands full. he was incredulous.

"hands full of what? a guy, who seems to want you, but you don't want anymore; a guy who you want, but wants nothing from you more than friendship; and a guy you don't want, who doesn't want you either. sounds like your hands are pretty empty to me."

i know the idea of seeing someone with whom you wouldn't get serious is strange, but it's actually really good for me right now. it's nice to be with someone and not worry about where it's going. this is a lesson i need to learn, an experience that i think will lead to a heathier relationship down the road. as for aj, i could strangle him for waiting so long to say something. and why can't charlie realize that i wasn't really myself when i was with him, but that i really truly believe things would be better this time?

so what does this all mean? do i just make bad choices? am i too generous with my heart? my penis? do i end this thing with this new guy because i know it's wrong, even though it feels more right than it did with the two guys i actually loved? or do i keep going and wait for the lesson to kick in. what if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain and falls in love with me? what if i fall in love with him? what if i fall in love with aj when i go to florida (uhhh...no.) what if i finally get over charlie and he falls in love with me again. that kind of shakespearean tragedy bullshit would kill me, i think.

i need a drink.

kmoney and my karaoke problem.

i seem to have developed a mild addiction to karaoke. i blame kmoney for this. were it not for him, i would spend my saturday nights happily sedated on the couch, blissfully drinking the minutes into my own personal oblivion.

kmoney's and my karaoke history is a long and hazy one. it started after i turned 21 and began frequenting "the ho", which is the trash pit a that few straight entrepreneurs had decided would be a suitable watering hole for the local gay crowd way back in the 70s. thanks guys. tuesday night there was karaoke, and it was around this time i met kmoney and his roomate, lisa. the three of us became inseparable and though none of us remember much, we had a great summer.

after we bored of the tally ho, we remembered that we had discovered the blue star (on my 21st birthday, actually) and that we had really enjoyed the vibe. so that was our new home every monday (and sometimes sunday and thursday) for two years. then lisa moved to chicago, kmoney moved to reading, and i stopped drinking for a while, devoting all of my attention to herbals. then came the lodge.

so now, because we have become regulars at the lodge, i have met many other karaoke freaks (yo trouble) who don't work at 9 every morning and live more than an hour away, unlike kmoney. this has opened up a whole new world full of song where no one is there but a bunch of sad alcoholics who think they're at a motown revival. that's right, i'm talking about weeknight karaoke.

weeknight karaoke is a completely different animal from weekend karaoke. first of all, it's way more low-key. you might not want to attempt 'i will survive' with six of your best drunk girlfriends under these circumstances. no, it is important to choose songs that will not disturb the mood in the room: a slow, easy, alcohol-induced trance, shattered by even the most sedate disco tune. don't wake the beast.

second, the kjs are far inferior during the week. last sunday evening i chose three bum songs, one that was listed in the book, but not in the computer, one that was not the version advertised, and one that completely crashed his system. we were down and listening to otis redding for a good 20 minutes while the bartender attempted rectify the situation. the bartender.

use of a karaoke venue on a non-traditional drinking day (fri. or sat.) requires that you have come to terms with your addiction and accepted it. it is a part of who you are. because unless your birthday falls during the week, weeknight karaoke is no place for the casual singer, or the faint of heart.

dumbass.

sheik /'shEk, also 'shAk for 1/Function: nounEtymology: Arabic shaykh1 : an Arab chief2 usually sheik : a man held to be irresistibly attractive to romantic young women

1chic Pronunciation: 'shEkFunction: nounEtymology: French1 : smart elegance and sophistication especially of dress or manner : STYLE 2 : a distinctive mode of dress or manner associated with a fashionable lifestyle, ideology, or pursuit

so the name of my blog has been updated to destroy any trace of dumbassness on my part. while my phonetics were correct, my word choice was not, and i didn't even spell the wrong word correctly. plus, since acquiring the definition for both words, i have realized that i am neither of these things, so the entire blog might need to be renamed completely. i really need to stop choosing things because they look or sound cool.