tivo and the fall of idol.

did pat benatar sneak onto american idol?

does anyone else think american idol sucks this year? many of you just said, "this year?", and fine. you can have that. a lot of it has sucked before. but there were at least three or four people each year i really liked. or at least could stand. even the contestants i do like, it's really only lukewarm. this group of obnoxious wannabes are simply too much for my relatively high annoyance threshold to handle. ok, i know it's only week two of the top 24, but i'm really disappointed. perhaps it's ryan seacrest's insistence that this is the best top 24 ever. that may be true, but they certainly aren't showing it. let's look at the rundown, shall we?

the guys

colton berry (aka ellen degeneres): gone, rightfully so. F-

chikezie eze: more like chi-cheezy. F

danny noriega: i do enjoy his sassy style; anyone who can be that unapologetically gay on american idol is my hero. and he can actually sing. is he the next justin timberlake? no. i hereby dub him the Talented Sanjaya. C- (but A+++ for great television).

david archuleta: don't even get me started. oops, too late. this little piece of shit has been pimped more than a bridge-and-tunnel whore and is infinitely less talented. voice-stink average. looks-cute, but makes me feel dirty. and i'm sorry, but there is no way a 16 year-old has the first clue what the song "Imagine" is about, and to take a vocal shit all over it with those disgusting runs was nothing short of blasphemous. it's a simple, sweet song, which should be sung simply and, well, sweetly. and he seems to have contracted melinda doolittle's "lil' ole me" disease. He should be killed. F-----

david cook: let's ignore his phony rocker look. let's look past his donald trump combover. the dude is karaoke at best, and at worst, sounds like he's choking on a koosh ball. but karaoke is actually pretty good for this season, so C-

david hernandez: probably the most naturally gifted singer in the competition, but oh no, let's not let that stop him from sucking. let's throw in some hideous dance moves and an uncomfortable stage presence. as simon would say, it's all a little corny and cruise shippy. he really does have a nice voice, though, and he's kinda cute. B-

garrett "farrah" haley: he and his golden tresses have retreated back to the 80's where they belong. F-

jason castro: ok, i actually really liked this guy last week. he seemed to be the only one out of the entire top 24 who's in it for the music. he's got AMAZING eyes, and cool dreds, and he plays the guitar and sings really well. my first impression: authentic. he kind of blew it this week, but i'm holding out hope. B+

jason yeager: last night he dressed all in black and had a white streak through the front of his dark hair. so...he's frankenstein's secret gay lover? F-

luke menard: who? F-

michael johns: ok, i don't mean to sound like a republican, but this is american idol. fine, if you're from another country, great. whatever. but shouldn't you at least be an american citizen? bland, overpimped, and unfair: michael johns. D

robbie carrico: if dating britney spears doesn't make you famous, nothing will. not even american idol. F-

the girls

alaina whitaker, kady malloy: imagine my surprise when i learned that they were two different people! simon delivered his funniest line ever to kady malloy, referencing her dead-on britney impression: "i don't know who could impersonate you. a pencil or something". kady can actually sing. i would describe her voice as celine dion, drunk. if she gets it under control, she might make it far. until then, two big fat F's

alexandria lushington: good voice, but she dressed like a five year-old who'd just gone through her big sister's closet. and she lost control of the song at the end. could go either way. for now, D

amanda overmyer: this girl pretty much rocks. how can you not love a hardass biker nurse who can blow like janis and calls simon out on his lack of musical knowledge. Her performance was a little in and out, but she had attitude and style. B+

amy davis: my ears still hurt. bitch be gone. F-

asia'h epperson: the artist formerly known as semi-colon. shamelessly uses her dad's recent death to score points with viewers. average voice. D+

brooke white: really pretty and charming when she plays the piano and sings. take away the piano, not so much. D

carly smithson: take david archuleta's world-class pimping, michael johns' average voice and non-citizenship, add a very poorly received album (under the name carly hennessey-and to put it in perspective, justin guarini sold more albums) and you've got this bitch pegged. there aren't enough f's in the alphabet, so Z---

danny noriega: oh, wait, he's a guy. see above.

joanne borgella: won one of mo'nique's thousands of reality shows. sucked plus-sized ass. gone, baby, gone. F

kristy lee cook (aka slutty underwood): take carrie underwood, raise her up in a trailer park, and take away everything that is charming about her voice. in other words, she'll probably win. F-

ramiele malubay: not a bad singer, but you can tell she's been imitating the voices on the radio for most of her life. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz. D+

syesha mercado: if she takes the scarf off, she might be tolerable. D+

conclusion: it's slim pickens in season seven. one good musician, an awesome rocker chick, a sassy smartass, and a whole lot of not much else. thank god for tivo. at least i can zip through those awful pre-performance interviews. still waiting for seacrest to blow cowell.

oh well, maybe next year.

i love youtube.

five a.m. and ticking...

many of you reading this are not from lancaster county.

this means that you have probably never eaten a meal which consisted of noodles, bread, pie, and potatoes (the starchy special). you've probably also never had to clean horse shit, or road apples, off of your brand new tires. but most importantly, and unfortunately, you have probably never imbibed turkey hill iced tea.

this sweet, sweet nectar, i am certain, was tapped from from the golden teet of the goddess of morning, which is what you will certainly see if you drink it. it comes in an assortment of flavors, such as blueberry oolong, green, orange, raspberry, peach, southern brew, and, my personal favorite, lemonade tea.

if you are blessed enough to have the chance to sample it, do so, but be sure that it is no later than 12 p.m. otherwise, you will find yourself, as i have, locked in the grips of an all-night blogosphere orgy. it has the highest concentration of caffeine of any beverage known to man. more than mountain dew. more than coke. more than coffee, crystal meth, and adderall combined. among lancastrians, it is simply known as liquid crack.

need i say more?

me in july.

no, i'm not going to be skinny and/or black. i'm going to be judas.