shiny happy people.

in an effort to redeem myself for my self-designation as september's asstard of the month, here is a really funny joke:

president bush, first lady laura and dick cheney were flying on air force one. george looked at laura, chuckled and said, "you know, i could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "i could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
cheney added, "that being the case, i could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "such big-shots back there. shit, i could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."


asstard of the month: september

september's asstard: me

i haven't blogged in weeks. that alone is enough to make me asstard of the month. i have been far more self-destructive than that in the last month, however, and i have rightly earned, and possibly surpassed, this title.

let's look at my life over the last four weeks:

  1. i've been slacking off at work. when there's nothing to do, i pore over the drudge report, or alternet, or bushwatch, often for a few hours at a time. i've soul-searched, prodded my cranium, and even prayed (yes, prayed) for the answer to why i don't feel motivated to do a better job. since going on adderall for adhd, i've made far fewer mistakes, but the pumped up drive i was expecting took a detour to lalaland.
  2. i started sleeping with my ex-boyfriend again. in august, as my more loyal readers (all three of you!) know, i put an end to the cat-and-mouse game that was bob and charlie. for nearly 14 months, we were on, then off, then on, then off. after years of making really bad choices in my relationships, i finally got the sense that i was growing up and taking care of myself. so what did i do with all of the self-respect and empowerment i earned by making this bold move into my future? i took a giant, steaming shit on it.
  3. i stole three dollars from my sister's jacket. it was for gas, so i blame bush.
  4. tuesday evening, i drove home so drunk that i can't even remember how i got into the house.
  5. in another classic "dumb sex act", i reunited with orange hat, who has a renewed commitment to the once fledgling relationship that had ignited our emotional affair. having gotten too drunk, i stayed at his house, and let's just say i was not the most well-behaved kitten in the pound that night.
  6. i was driving home from charlie's one mid-morning and, not paying attention, slammed into the back of a tractor trailer that had stopped for a red light. the front of my car is smashed in slightly, and my headlights now point directly at the ground. they still light the road enough to see, but i have to keep my high beams on.
  7. my debit card is falling apart, and i ordered a new one, then was too lazy to finally have my address changed so that it wouldn't go to my old apartment.
  8. last week, i hit a rabbit with my car and didn't even care.

so, that is why i, bobulah, scum of my great-aunt's anus, am september's asstard of the month.