raise your glass.

i drank a little bit last night. i lost count after five pints and one failed attempt to chat someone up. how british do i sound right now? i picked up my friend matty, an artist friend from high school who was visiting from new york, and we went to the tally ho, the only gay bar in town, for karaoke. matty was wearing, in true starving artist's form, a wifebeater, puff-painted with neon flowers and birds, a pair of plaid old man shorts, and a sweater with no less than sixteen holes. he also must not have showered in weeks because he smelled like a fresh batch of ass. this is what made me realize where the prorities of the gay community lie, and why i had never really related to them. despite his appearance (and smell), because he has not an ounce of fat on him, and a somewhat attractive baby face, he got more attention than i did. i spent 20 minutes carefully choosing an outfit that highlighted my most attractive qualities, downplayed by weaknesses, and showcased my fun, casual, yet quirky personality and i get nada. all sails were at half mast for me, while my friend who looked like Homo the Hobo was the hot shiznit.

i tried not to let this put a damper on my game. i talked to this handsome bloke (hehe) three times and each time he was completely unresponsive. then, from across the room, our eyes would meet and his gaze would be locked for about five to ten seconds. i was a little tipsy by then, and very, very confused. so i would go over and try again. i made casual, witty conversation with him and the other two gentlemen at his table. one was older with glasses. the other was probably about my age (25), somewhat overweight, balding, with a goatee, and also had glasses. later in the evening, i wandered back to their table and began babbling drunken nonsense which, at one point, included, "well, i guess i struck out on that one!" the unnatractive, balding, fat, goateed, man with glasses smiled and said, "we're here together". what???? i tried not to let on that i was in an intense state of shock, but i felt that familiar red heat flash across my face. so i passed it off as embarassment, apologized, congratulated him on finding someone so attractive despite his lack of physical capital (ok i didn't say that, but i was thinking it) and excused myself. i still think his "date" was interested in me, but i wasn't really interested enough to put more mental energy into it. besides, it's probably so hard for that man to find a date in this town.

i understand that i am probably coming off as completely shallow right now, but on the contrary. if i were getting lots of attention from the men around here, showing disdain to someone less attractive than i am would be completely out of line. however, they are not exactly knocking down my door, and i haven't been on a real date since i broke up with charlie. unless you consider smoking pot and watching gay porn a date, which i do not.

despite all this, it was actually a great night. i sang two songs really well to a great response, got loaded with a good friend, had some great conversations, etc. and i did meet someone. the thing is, there were lots of attractive men there, and i tried to make contact, unsuccessfully, with two of them. but there was only one who i could actually imagine being interested in anything more than a quick shag (cheerio!). after i hit on someone's boyfriend, smiled at someone from across the room only to be greeted with what i think was him sticking his finger down his throat and gagging, i saw this really sexy guy walk in wearing an orange hat. something about him gave me goosebumps, and i usually have no trouble talking to guys myself if the timing is right, but he made me nervous. luckily he walked over to the corner where he was greeted by my friend jon. i had already said hi to jon, but i figured another quick chat wouldn't hurt. i pulled jon to the side, and immediately his hands went all over me. i did my best to use my body language to make sure the guy i was interested in, who was sitting right there, knew i wasn't into this. so i kept my distance, while he tried to slow grind my patootie, and asked him about the cute guy in the orange hat. he said he was a friend from a previous employer, and that he was gay and single. i briefly considered asking him to introduce us, but i decided to take the middle school route: "tell him i think he's hot". i'm really losing my edge. anyway, i returned to my friends and the night dragged on. finally it was time to leave. as we were heading towards the door, i noticed orange hat sitting against the wall by himself. i firmly squeezed two round testicles from the depths of my bowels into my empty sack and introduced myself. turns out, he was interested, too, and jon had never said anything. i wonder why? i left with his number in my phone and a plan to wait three days and ask him out for coffee three days after that.

things are looking up.

p.s. a warm and healthy blogger.com welcome to my good friend k-money. a link has been set up so that you may read his inspired ramblings on none other than...ketchup.