why i'm going to quit smoking.

break me off a piece of that...

having completed all of my duties an hour before my 7 p.m. deadline, i decided to take a quick smoke break. i don't even have words for how strange this no more than five-minute adventure was. this is what i saw:

at least four homeless-looking men, wasted, wandering around on the street with paper coffee cups, "night of the living dead"-style.

two men in wheelchairs, one with no legs, and the other with a very large boombox duct taped to the back, blasting salsa music.

a woman with an ass so large, a 50 ft. harnass and bungee straps wouldn't have been able to save anyone in its trajectory.

one very, very attractive man.

i returned from my cancerfication session feeling a potpurri of emotions including, but not limited to: confusion, fear, disgust, sexual arousal, and a deep sense of forboding. i'm now worried that because of this sensory overload, the whole experience will mesh into a single sense memory, and i'll start trying to pick up big-assed, drunk homeless guys in wheelchairs.

if i find myself tempted to go back and drop my number into one of those little cups, you will most likely not hear from me again.