adopt-a-fuck

all right, i'm way behind the times, but i stumbled upon this juicy piece of shit today during a routine search for signs of human life on the blogs. last march, rep. debra maggart, a republican (shocker) from tennessee (well, bless my soul), stated that she believes that homosexuals adopt children for the sole purpose of molesting them. while it staggers me that, in this day and age, someone could still maintain such a profound level of ignorance of how the gays work, i think she may be onto something. it's really not a bad idea.

think about it.

1) no more working the bar circuit to get laid.

2) after your finished, just chain him back up and have a sandwich.

3) depending on the age of the adopted child, he will remain lithe and completely smooth for approximately ten years.

4) they're virgins when you get them.


5) when he's older, you can rent him out.

not a bad deal. thanks for the tip, deb. but in all seriousness, how stupid is this woman? "we also have seen evidence that homosexual couples prey on young males and have, in some instances, adopted them in order to have unfretted access to subject them to a life of molestation and sexual abuse".

moment of silence.

first of all, in most states, adoption by homosexuals is illegal, so there could not possibly be any studies which support this claim. to be fair, i'm sure there have been instances where children have been adopted to serve as sex slaves. but is this a homosexual-exclusive problem? i doubt it. secondly, pedophilia is a mental disorder that causes behavior which is little more than an extreme power grab. actual scientific studies conducted by smart people in white coats (as opposed to stupid people in red pant suits) show that in roughly 98% of all cases, male child molesters who are heterosexual molest young males. can you see where i'm going with this? yes, there are similar statistics for homosexual males molesting young girls. it's simply not about sex. this woman obviously equates the concept of alternate sexuality with other sexual deviation, such as pedophilia, child porn, bestiality, and good old-fashioned hardcore s+m. nothing could be farther from the truth.

she then goes on to assert that gays and lesbians are unfit to parent because they have “numerous emotional dysfunctions and psychological issues.” well, that's true. gays and lesbians are nuts. you'd have to be to risk your relationships with your family, friends, teachers, co-workers, and society at large to even consider stepping out of the closet with assholes like senator hitler running around spouting venomous lies about "your kind".

everyone has a right to hold and voice their opinions. that's the beauty of america. but we as a nation are fairly divided when it comes to the nature of homosexuality. is it a choice? are you born that way? is it environmental. i'm gay, and i don't have a clue why. i just know that i can't change it, and no amount of legislation is going to make it go away. trust me.

in the meantime, i live in rural pennsylvania and we could definitely use some restrictions on how many children the amish are permitted to breed. the amish family consists of six, ten, sometimes as many as fifteen children, all born to help on the farm. i coordinate the obituary page for the local newspaper, and a significant number of child deaths (at least 80%) are amish kids killed in farming accidents. why are five year-olds driving threshers and combines? if deb wants to protect children, that would be a great place to start.

skinny sex.

disclaimer: this entry in no way intends to infringe upon copyrights held by mo'nique or her subsidiaries (krispy kreme; dominoes) in reference to her hilarious rant entitled, 'skinny bitches'.

"hey, big boy..."

my friends and i have a lot of interesting conversations, many of which are not suitable for sensitive ears. last night, after another shot slammin' round of karaoke at the three crowns lounge (the place in lancaster for cheap beer, bad karaoke, and to more accurately demonstrate how cool you are not) we made our weekly sojourn to eatnpark. three trips to the buffet later, a high school friend of my sister's appeared over the buckets of powdered eggs and stale french toast, and i called her over to chat. we shot the proverbial shit for a few moments and said goodbye, promises to say hello to various mutual friends/relatives fresh on our lips. now, this girl is skinny. not fashion magazine skinny. skinny.

because we're all sex-starved karaoke freaks (well, except for trouble, the only one among us with another half) we tend to inject coitus into any subject that arises. thus, we proceeded to surpass our most vile, insane topics by discussing, at length, skinny sex.

before i give a detailed account of the dispicable things that fled from our tongues in the fifteen or so minutes that followed, i must explain what i mean by "conversation". it generally goes like this: someone lights the flame, we all laugh, and you can practically hear the wheels turning and grinding in our heads. sometimes, you can see sparks. what follows is not a structured discussion, but more a series of comments in a game we unofficially call "who can be more innapropriate".

back to the skinny sex. there's really no other way to do this but to list a few quotes, then run and hide.

"excuse me, could you spread your legs a little more, you're crushing my penis".

"her clitoris must be like a thumbtack".

"i don't know whether to fuck you or send you as little as 17 cents per day".

many, many other truly awful comments followed in what was an all-out, champion comment olympics, towards the end of which i grabbed a knife and a fork and, banging them together, exclaimed, "this must be what it sounds like."

ok, we're assholes. some people truly can't help being thin. and i'm sure some people could harbor an intense sexual desire for skinny folks. i'm not talking about anoriexia, either. those people could be fucked for all i care. there are millions of people on this planet without enough food. eat something, you spoiled, vain, self-centered bitch. but to those who eat, and eat, and work their asses off at the gym, and still can't gain an ounce, please forgive us for our beer buzzes. they know not, and rarely remember, what they do.

asstard of the month: july.

july's asstard with his wife, alex trebek

as much as i try to shy away from any structure concerning this space, i read ken jennings' "letter" to jeopardy and his asinine ramblings inspired what will (hopefully, despite add) be the opportunity to shine the spotlight on one of the many asstards that devour media space throughout each month. shouldn't be hard; online news sources are a virtual buffet of dumb, dumb people saying and doing dumb, dumb things. hell, as long as o'reilly's on the air, my job will pretty much be done for me.

last week, ken jennings, jeopardy's longest-running champion (74 appearances; $2.5 million) posted a letter to the show on his private blog. the overall tone is sarcastic, dry, and basically comes across as an inside joke for those who watch the show. there are two problems with this: 1) the only people who would know what he's talking about are so old and doped up on medication that they wouldn't know a computer if someone tried to insert one into their anus; and 2) nobody really cares. his fifteen minutes expired two years ago, and now we're supposed to be amused by/interested in his inane insights into the world of jeopardy? sorry. you're just not funny.

example: he comments on the show's artistic direction, which hasn't changed in nearly 20 years: the electric blue background, the same square clue board, the mechanical host. that's all fine, but he taps the price is right for examples of how things could be improved. excuse me, mr. ken, but have you even seen the price is right? it's the same set, same games, same music, same host, same nubile blonds flailing their arms about the same cherry armoirs and refrigerators for going on 30 years now. to clarify, i am not chastising price for this. that's the beauty of the show; it's the same one your parents watched when they were home sick from school. it's tradition, comfort, and while change is good, some things should stay the same.

i could take most of what mr. ken said with a nice, big, artery-clogging grain of salt, but something he said struck a nerve with me. for the most part, the letter is fluff and empty complaints meant to be satire. but he ventures to suggest that jeopardy should update its categories with things that americans really care about, such as playstation, men's magazines (porn???), and fast food. i don't believe that americans only care about these things, and to suggest otherwise and feed that negative stereotype is disgusting. i agree that most americans do not spend a significant amount of time discussing the societal implications of the fall of communism or even much of what is going on right now, but let's give ourselves a little more credit. intellectualism may be dead, but some of us still care about art, music, culture, and all the other things you used to find on bravo. if you want asinine trivia about britney spears and video games, watch vh1. we need jeopardy, just the way it is, so that the last few intellectuals among us can at least pretend that topics of substance are still cool.

so mr. ken, you are our first asstard of the month, if for no other reason than the fact that you've stooped to bite the hand that feeds you. you haven't caused any major damage, society is still in tact (relatively speaking), but you've pissed on what remains of your public image. sure, you could view the letter as satire, in which case one might describe it as trite and extraneous. if you take it seriously, then it's an outrageous assault on american intelligence. it's a good thing you have money, ken. it should provide some comfort as you wade through a sea of people who either consider you a pointless fool or a loathesome cumbucket.

worst survey ever.

take this. it will make your eyes melt.


1) how many times a month do you cut your fingernails/toenails?

2) how sexy is president bush, scale of 1-10?

3) if you had five minutes alone with lauren bacall, what would you say to her?

4) if kmoney were a fruit, what kind of fruit would he be?

5) if i held up three fingers, added two, removed three, added one, and removed two, then would you have sex with me?

6) what are you looking at?

7) would you have sex with saddam hussein?

8) tell me what your reaction would be to this hypothetical scenario: you die; i get all your money.

9) do you like me? check one: __yes __no

10) what drug am i on right now?

you guys are lame.

you suck.

freakin party poopers. this was an open note quiz. research. revel in the hunt. but, noooooo. y'all wanna be losers and give up without trying. harumph. here are the answers, freaks.

part one: fill in the blanks.

1) primal scream
2) 1976
3) o
4) joni mitchell, 1980
5) black sabbath
6) the royal scam
7) 1994
8) skynyrd’s innyrds
9) cyndi lauper
10) michael jackson, 1997

part two: artist, album, song title, year.

1) dixie chicks, home, travelin soldier, 2002
2) alicia keys, diary of alicia keys, karma, 2003
3) jewel, spirit, deep water, 1998
4) beatles, beatles for sale, mr. moonlight, 1964
5) ramones, road to ruin, pins and needles, 1978
6) stevie nicks, bella donna, think about it, 1981
7) tears for fears, the hurting, mad world, 1983 or gary jules, trading snakeoil for wolftickets, mad world, 2004, or gary jules, donnie darko soundtrack, mad world, 2001
8) audioslave, out of exile, be yourself, 2005
9) sheryl crow, globe session, anything but down, 1998
10) smashing pumpkins, machina/the machines of god, try, try, try, 2000

why it's ok to kill babies.

this week, a group of activists began an agressive anti-choice advertising campaign in our fair hamlet. they've rented advertising space on billboards, buses, and are making the rounds downtown in large utility trucks displaying large photos of blood-soaked aborted fetuses. underneath the picture is simply the word "choice". it's disturbing, and it's everywhere you look.

it's a powerful message. and ballsy. call yourselves pro-life, not because you are (see war, famine, abstinence education) but because it implies that the other guys aren't. then show everyone the ugly side of abortion. well, isn't there an ugly side to everything, even romance? most people aren't against open heart surgery, but that doesn't mean we want to watch one go by while we're outside eating sesame chicken on a beautiful summer's day. what these people don't understand is that when it comes to abortion, it is all linked to your perspective. you can't change people's world view, thus, you can't change people's minds about abortion. i, for one, am an atheist. i consider humans, apes, and insects to be equal creatures of different levels of intelligence. therefore, i do not accept the notion that human life is more sacred than, say, ann coulter's.

what sets things apart, however, is the emotional impact. take puppies for example. you buy a puppy when it is very young, nurture it, watch it grow, and then it dies. for some people (a lot of people) the emotional impact of the death of a pet can be devastating. but no one has a problem with canine abortions. nobody talks about the sanctity of the lives of pooches. and when someone you don't know dies, what do you feel? it's ok, you can admit it. nothing. zip. zilch. maybe a bit of sympathy for those dealing with the loss, but that's it. does that mean that person's life is less sacred than your mother's? nope.

the point: a person is only a person when they have interacted with other people and had some kind of impact on the lives of others. granted, one might say that when a woman becomes pregnant, a bond is immediately established between her and her unborn child. there are, however, many women for whom this is not the case. they are not cold, unfeeling bitches, they just are lacking whatever it is that makes someone maternal. these women should have abortions.

if we start forcing women who should not become parents to endure pregnancy (furthering her resentment of her impending motherhood, and by extension, the child) the result will be incredibly fucked up kids who will most likely grow to become gangsters, murderers, or at least generally horrible people, thus having a negative impact on the lives around them. we terminated 40 million pregnancies last year and we still can't feed everyone on the planet. children are being abandoned, killed and thrown into dumpsters, abused, and all the while our president is telling us to just not have sex. shyeah.

all these activist have succeeded in doing is moving my lunch break from the fountain in penn square to my desk. i've seen the horrors, and i still choose choice.

i just don't want to see it.

raise white glove, slap, repeat...

i accept your challenge kmoney.

here is how it works: this is in two parts. the first ten questions will be fill-in-the-blanks. the categories are artist, album title, and year. one or more of these categories will be blank. that's where you come in. example: bjork, ________, 1993. the answer is: debut.

the second part is more difficult. i will display a song lyric, and you must name the artist, album title, song title, and year (in that order, please, to avoid confusion). example: "how can i go home with nothing to say?/i know you're going to look at me that way". then answer is ani difranco, out of range, you had time, 1994.

good luck! (you'll need it)

part one.

1) __________, screamadelica, 1991

2) songs in the key of life, stevie wonder, ________

3) damien rice, _________, 2003

4) __________, shadows and light, _________

5) __________, Vol. 4, 1972

6) steely dan, ___________, 1976

7) radiohead, my iron lung, ___________

8) lynyrd skynyrd, _____________, 1989

9) ____________, a night to remember, 1989

10) ___________, blood on the dance floor, __________

part two.

1) "crying all alone under the stands/was a piccolo player in the marching band/and one name read and nobody really cared/but a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair".

2) "and when you came home you'd always have some sorry excuse/half explaining to me like i'm just some kind of a fool"

3) "and you try to find yourself/in the abstractions of religion/and the cruelty of everyone else"

4) "and from the world you sent my girl/and from above you sent us love/and now she is mine"

5) "i saw her today, i saw her face/it was the face of love, and i knew i had to run away"

6) "even when you feel like your life is fading/i know that you'll go on forever/you're that good"

7) "children waiting for the day they feel good/happy birthday, happy birthday"

8) "someone finds salvation in everyone/and another only pain"

9) "you are a raging sea/i pull myself out everyday/i plea insanity/cause i can't leave but i can't stay"

10) "down in the heat/and the summer rain/of the automatic gauze of your memories"

one...two...one, two, three, four.

da answers.

1) sweet transvestite
2) crazy little thing called love
3) basketcase
4) if i ain't got you
5) hit me, baby, one more time
6) like a virgin
7) trouble
8) breathe
9) smells like teen spirit
10) magic stick
11) comfortably numb
12) wild horses
13) who will save your soul
14) sweat
15) who let the dogs out
16) whip it
17) people
18) fever
19) spinning wheel
20) creep

three little words.

we met in a cloud
and called ourselves lovers
it beat down on our heads
like rain
our mistakes were like valentines
committed out of love
we threw fear onto the flame
it exploded
and i lost you

i miss it, you said
in the middle of the night
then you couldn't decide
what you meant
with your head on my chest
and my heart pounding through it
up from your mouth these words went:
i miss it

the clarity of friendship
has opened my eyes
you are kind
much more so than i
the rain no longer falls
and the cloud has lifted
but these valentines, these mistakes
have ripped me from your heart
and it's too late to say why
i miss it, too

you against the music.

can you guess all of these song titles based on their cryptic descriptions? bet not? give it a shot.

1) saccharine cross-dresser
2) insane small object entitled affection
3) wicker flower holder clothes bag
4) under the circumstances that my person does not possess your person
5) strike, infant, once again
6) as one whose hymen is still intact
7) problems
8) inhale oxygen into lungs
9) scented of post-childhood semen
10) supernatural fallice
11) satisfyingly unfeeling
12) uncontrollable equines
13) which person will rescue your afterlife
14) release liquid from your pores
15) which person released the canines
16) strike this with a leather string
17) persons
18) elevated temperature
19) turning circle
20) sneak

there's only 20, you should be able to decipher at least 15. if not, you stupid. also, if anyone wants to add a few, please do so. i'd like to be challenged as well.

lights...camera...answers.

here they are, folks, the answers to the movie word game. coming soon--music.

1) star wars
2) apocalypse now
3) good burger
4) happy gilmore
5) the french lieutenant's woman
6) star trek
7) the poseidon adventure
8) the green mile
9) spinal tap
10) the aviator
11) ace ventura
12) splash
13) legends of the fall
14) dirty dancing
15) an officer and a gentleman
16) three men and a baby
17) bewitched
18) cars
19) pirates of the caribbean
20) the net, or, hook
21) 12 monkeys
22) dune
23) lord of the rings
24) american graffitti
25) galaxy quest
26) pretty woman, or, babe
27) se7en
28) x-men
29) harry potter
30) robocop
31) speed
32) the hunt for red october
33) all the president's men
34) mystery men
35) the incredibles
36) napolean dynamite
37) twister
38) a bug's life

one night only, israel vs. "palestine"

if you have any confusion about the whole israeli/arab situation, check out this clear, concise account of what really happened, and what should be done about it. go trouble

time.

i believe what i see
and i don't see anything
worth looking twice
it's all nice
but i need more than that
i need
heartpounding sex
time to reflect
on whatever's next
i need more room to flex
i need music and love
tv and drugs
you showed me your stuff
and it's still not enough

but i would have loved you
if you'd really been with me
you loved the shaggy, stoned stranger
in my blue jeans
i really would have loved you
if you'd made a little time with me
but time is never free

around the corner
from your place
my first step alone
out into outer space
and i thought all along
that if i was wrong
i'd turn around again
so i must be right
no fights left to fight
no stopping what stops you first
stop at the light
let my windows roll down
breathe some life in this town
here's my second chance

i would have loved you
if you'd really been with me
but you loved the shaggy, stoned stranger
in my blue jeans
i really would have loved you
if you'd made a little time with me
but time is never free

i walked alone for a while
put on my strongest smile
showed the world my best
i haven't cried in a year
so what i am doing here
tears falling on your chest?

i would have loved you
if you'd really been with me
but you loved the shaggy, stoned stranger
in my blue jeans
i really would have loved you
if you'd made a little time with me
but time is never free

something completely unrelated to anything of importance.

action!

these are movie names, cleverly hidden by way of thesaurus or just good old-fashioned creativity, created by my lovely co-worker, Elizabeth A.B.C.D.E.F. Goss. i got 27/38. i'll post the answers later.

1) celestial body altercation
2) cataclysm immediate
3) well-behaved circular meat
4) pleased fish breathing organs larger amount
5) parisian military rank female
6) burning orb long walk
7) sea god most excellent event
8) chartreuse 5,280 feet
9) backbone beer spigot
10) pilot
11) top card california highway
12) water from a big dive
13) folk tales from just before winter
14) messy waltz
15) a cop and an upstanding guy
16) male trio and an infant
17) hornet warlocked
18) vehicles
19) unemployed treasure seekers in St. Maarten
20) a fish catcher
21) a dozen orangutans
22) jockey's ridge attraction
23) duke of the jewelry
24) indiscernible wall scribbles in the u.s.
25) search for an open space
26) hot female
27) one dozen minus five
28) males of one chromosome
29) harold the ceramic maker
30) cyberfuzz
31) amphetamines
32) look for the crimson span of 31 days
33) every one of bush's guys
34) guys of intrigue
35) amazings
36) dictator tnt
37) pretzel maker
38) grasshopper birth to death

how did you do? think you can beat 27??? doubt it, fool.

why karaoke is better than sex.

it's a bold statement, i know, and not one i necessarily agree with. ok i passionately disagree with the notion that karaoke is better than sex. enjoy, anyway.

10) you're always sure to find someone worse than you.
9) you don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing karaoke with you.
8) it's ok to have multiple partners.
7) its ok to sing karaoke with your sister.
6) you never have to worry about forgetting your lines.
5) it's ok to drink too much and sing karaoke.
4) no one will complain about the size of your microphone.
3) it's ok to sing karaoke in front of your neighbors.
2) you'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing karaoke.

and the number one reason is:

no one complains about a three-minute karaoke performance.

going to the chapel?

i'm not sure if i am going to get married. for most of my life, even post-closet exodus, i assumed i would get married someday, whether it was legal or not. of course it's not about the piece of paper or the legal recognition, but i always thought i would have a ceremony. a party. something.

while swimming in the notion that the cool, barefoot wedding on the beach might never happen, i started to think about my vows, and wondered what they would be. that got me thinking about old boyfriends. if i had ended up with any of these gentlemen, what would we have said to each other? what would the vows have been like in, say, a devin and bob wedding? probably a lot about drinking. and back hair. and his ex, because that's all we ever talked about.

my vows to kevin would be about mixed signals and, again, alcohol. brian would be about sex and...i can't say it again. i noticed then that most of my exes would have fairly negative reviews had there been a wedding. except one.

this would be my vow to him:

for all of my life i've been looking for some way to express every bit of passion that i feel for life. i write, i sing, but never has my passion been better expressed than with you. through us, i love with more certainty, breath more clearly, and live more fully. i will spend every day using that passion to love you and i will never leave you, not for anything. i will always be on your side, whether you are right or wrong, but i will also tell you when you're wrong. i will be yours until the breath leaves my body and the warmth escapes my skin, and i pass to the next world, whatever that may be. yours.

one eye closed.

if i hadn't thought of what to say
what would have happened now?
would you be standing here
in front of me tonight?

if i'd know it'd be this easy
i'd have done it days ago
but i just wanted to be sure
i'd say it right

in you i found the answers that i needed
to every question i'd ever had
sometimes it's easier to see
with one eye closed
but maybe it's not that bad

one step over the ocean
one step over the sky
that's where i'd take us
if i had a little money

so we'll just sit on my front porch
and see what we can see
a tree that's planted next to lovers
also known as you and me

in you i found the answers that i needed
to every question i'd ever had
sometimes it's easier to see
with one eye closed
but maybe it's not that bad

there was a time way back when
when i thought i'd never see my home again
and i'd wasted too much time
trying to work it out

when i finally came back i went to the place
that had seen our very last kiss
and i knew i'd get you back again somehow

so maybe i made a mistake
but my eyes are wide open now

in you i found the answers that i needed
to every question i'd ever had
sometimes it's easier to see
with one eye closed
but maybe it's not that bad

a purple apartment remembered.

my best friend and her wonderful husband recently purchased their first home. this three-bedroom dwelling boasts a two car garage, lovely backyard, and exposed toilet in the basement. (seriously, it's right there against the wall by the washer and dryer, installed by a father with a wife and three daughters who was tired of waiting in line to pee.)

as happy as i am for these crazy cats, i can't help but feel a twinge of sadness that they'll be leaving their apartment. as crowded and damp as it was, it holds many, many memories of long conversations in "alternate states". if its purple, sponge-painted walls could talk, well, they would probably call the police. but they would also tell a tale of nearly three years of drinking, smoking, and laughter.

this is where we sat for three hours deciding where to go on "lore's birthday roadtrip". we eventually decided on ocean city, n.j. we arrived at ten p.m., fought the entire time, and i broke their laptop (i have since been reprieved of responsibility) but there were a few fun moments sprinkled throughout this very, very long weekend.

this is where we spent two new year's eves. the first was one of the last times the entire cracker barrel crew was together. tom, t.j., rose, lore, nate, me--i have a long history of crappy new years, and this is the night that broke the curse. well, i did spill an ashtray on their couch. there are hilarious pictures of me trying to clean it up, wasted out of my skull.

this is where i spent every weekend after charlie and i split, drinking bottle after bottle of jack daniels and mooching bong hits while bathing in nostalgia and nursing my broken heart. a few months of this proved to be extraneous, and we started to make each other's skin crawl, but these people, and this place, helped me through one of the hardest times of my life.

and what can i say about the smoke room? before nate and lore succumbed to convenience, we were all required to smoke in a 5x5' closet next to the bathroom. there was a tiny desk which held a laptop for entertainment, a poster of dave matthews, a blacklight, a small oval rug, and a few pillows. we fit eleven people in that room once.

the furniture was worn, it smelled like weed and cigarettes, there were computer cords and random dissected machines strewn throughout the living room, and the bathroom door didn't close completely, but for nearly three years, it was my home away from home. goodbye, purple walls. goodbye gravity bong. goodbye to each and every stain i made. it is the end of an era.

the ten commandments of karaoke.

i'm pretty sure we've broken all of these.

1) thou shalt not jeer, heckle, boo, or otherwise interrupt a singer.

2) thou shalt not swing the microphone, dance with the mike stand, or get too drunk to handle yourself.

3) thou shalt not complain about when your next turn is.

4) thou shalt not get upset when another patron sings a song you were planning to sing.

5) thou shalt not use foul language at the mike.

6) thou shalt not drink or smoke near the equipment.

7) thou shalt not sing louder than the performer or join the performer on stage unless invited.

8) thou shalt not walk in front of or block the singers view of the screen.

9) thou shalt not carry on loud conversation near the stage.

10) thou shalt applaud!

why i don't use caps.

lots of people do it for a lot of different reasons, some more pretentious than others, but i, as i am sure you have noticed, do not use capital letters in non-professional settings.

is it because i'm trying to be artsy? no, because it's not that creative. original? if i wanted to be original, i would commit suicide by jumping onto a building. rebellious? i've done more rebellious things. why step backward? am i too good for caps? yes, but that's not why. am i just a smartass, trying to annoy people and make things difficult to read? yes, but still not the reason. so why is it that i choose not to use caps?

laziness.

moral: the simplest answers are usually correct.

suck it, letterman.

my top tens on various subjects: (disclaimer: not listed in order of favor)

tv shows

1) friends
2) six feet under
3) american idol
4) sex and the city
5) house
6) days of our lives
7) daily show
8) golden girls
9) countdown with keith olberman
10) real time with bill maher

movies

1) eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
2) wishful thinking
3) election
4) waiting
5) rocky horror picture show
6) mean girls
7) godfather
8) hedwig and the angry inch
9) the truman show
10) donnie darko

albums (this changes frequently)

1) waiting for my rocket to come- jason mraz
2) twentysomething- jamie cullum
3) out of range- ani difranco
4) nevermind- nirvana
5) reveling/reckoning- ani difranco
6) i've got my own hell to raise- bettye lavette
7) keep it together- guster
8) good news for people who love bad news- modest mouse
9) parade (soundtrack)- jason robert brown
10) diary of alicia keys- alicia keys

comedians

1) george carlin
2) margaret cho
3) tony woods
4) bob saget
5) wanda sykes
6) bill maher
7) lewis black
8) rita rudner
9) paula poundstone
10) mitch hedburg

a year in the life.

i recently had my one year anniversary at my job. i took a moment today to reflect on the events of my life during the past year.

started driving again
cut way back on the pot
fell in love
left foodservice
moved in with my family
ran my first 5k
had my heart broken, twice (same guy)
decided not to have kids
got promoted
developed a serious karaoke addiction
decided to become a writer
went broke
reconnected with old friends from high school
did my first musical in seven years
saw ani in concert
accidentally smoked crystal meth (oops)
realized i actually don't want to stay in lancaster forever

and the most significant development: chilled the fuck out! something snapped when i turned 25. i adopted the attitude that life is too short to worry and obsess over. men are too fickle to worry and obsess over. i've found more balance in doing things for the right reasons. i've learned to follow my heart and use my head as a filter, not vice versa.

what did you learn this year?

dumb bitches.

i just have to take a moment here to vent about my least favorite breed of the female species: the dumb bitch. dumb bitches are usually of above average attractiveness, below average intelligence, and i'm not sure about large cities, but they are quite plentiful here in my little suburban haven. they are also hard to define, so watch for these signs:

1) any girl who allows her right turn signal to flash for two miles or longer and then, finally, turns left.

2) any girl at a bar or club who has had about eight drinks too many and goes home with the first guy who is smart enough to act like they don't want it. (someone, somewhere, let it slip that all guys really want is sex, which is true, but these "ladies" actually expect these clever chaps to call them the next day? yeah, right. why buy the dumb bitch, when you can get it for free?)

3) any girl who, while talking to their fellow dumb bitches, utters the phrase "he's just scared" when talking about their marginally comitted "boyfriend". he's not scared. he's amused.

4) any girl who truly believes that everyone wants to see the area between her ass crack and belly button. there's a reason they have britney spears frozen in celluloid. she doesn't belong in real life. put the rest of your fucking shirt on.

5) any girl.

you see, ladies, if you dress like the last whore in the alley at 3 a.m., that's all people will think of you. you can't get mad that people don't notice your other qualities while you're shoving your breasts in their face. that's like painting your whole house magenta and then saying, "you haven't mentioned the garden!" wake up, dumb bitches, have some self-respect, and stop giving it away. oh, and hire drivers. you're dangerous.

p.s. this does not in any way include trouble or lore. i've managed to become good friends with not one, but two, intelligent, grounded, and lovely women of reason.