empty hands.

everyone is allowed to be self-indulgent and serious from time to time, so here's my shot.

ok, so i've been talking my friends' ears off about my romantic entanglements lately, but i still feel like i need to get something out and, frankly, i'm tired of hearing myself talk. so i'm posting the history of my heart here, so that i can go to my friends and say, "i'm having trouble with my quasi-boyfriend, here's the address, call me when you've read it". i have an incredibly complex and bizarre lovelife/sexlife normally, but this year has been exceptionally strange.

a brief history:

gay children, unlike their straight counterparts, do not have the luxury of exploring their sexuality during those crucial teen years. this leads to an intense sexual/romantic repression. when you finally do have the freedom to explore, the term explore is no longer sufficient. some people, myself especially, have sex and date with the passion of an adhd child at an imax presentation of how hershey makes its candy. i went through many, many, many two week relationships and one-night stands. my friends eventually dismissed every mention of a new guy with an eye roll and a quick subject change.

by the time i turned 21, i was ready for something different. that's when i met aj. he was my first boyfriend who lasted more than a month, and i finally, finally fell in love. because he was here on summer vacation to work with his brother-in-law, however, it didn't last, and he went back to florida. over the next three years, i began to fall back into old patterns, and i only got over him about a year ago. i saw him last christmas and sort of had a "wow, i would never fall in love with this person now" moment. there's nothing wrong with him, i've just come a long way in the guy department. what gets me now is very different and, well, not him.

once i was sure i was really over aj, i met charlie. he was 30 (a very attractive age for me), incredibly sexy in his own "aw shucks" kind of way. very masculine and natural. to give an example of the intensity of our connection: sex for me has always been a less-than-half-hour affair--quick, painless, simple, and hot. charlie and I made out for five hours on the first date, and I thought it was like an hour. Then and there I knew I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I fell in love with him when i saw him carrying his son to bed one night after we'd been dating for about a month. yeah, that'll do it.

a brief aside: it is interesting to note that the only two men i have loved have dark, curly hair.

charlie and i were together for about six months. because this was my first real adult relationship, i was incredibly insecure and neurotic, which made him distant and aloof, which only made me more insecure and neurotic. we had very different ideas of what a relationship should be, and neither of us satisfied each other's needs outside of the bedroom. eventually, problems surfaced there as well. so we broke up, for the second time, for good, citing incompatibility. i cited pussyness on his part for not being able to handle a challenging man. he cited an intensity in my behavior that turned him off. a few months later, we decided to try to be friends, which led to sex, which led to me getting attached again. so we put a stop to the sex and are now just friends. because of the relationship, i'm more mature, grounded, and have a much better idea of what works for me and what i really want. secretly, i'd love another chance with him, but i don't think he could ever feel the same way again. so he's a mistake i've got to live with.

now i've met someone new that i really like. i'm attracted to him, we have a blast together, we talk easily and laugh often, and we seem to click. the problem is that he's not the kind of guy i would ever seriously date, and he feels the same way. i'm not sure where this is going, but i'm fairly sure it's not lovesville.

so last weekend, aj called me to see if i'd gotten my plane tickets for my visit this summer. i've never been to see him and i've promised so many times, so i'm finally flying (for the first time) to see him. he said something during that conversation that i can't seem to get out of my head. he quietly mentioned that he'd told his boyfriend, who i've met and really, really like, that if he had stayed in lancaster, he and i would probably still be together. then, to me, he said, i would really like to still be your boyfriend, if things were different. with a calmness i never thought would be possible in this situation (which i had imagined thousands of times before), i said, well things aren't different, and you did leave, and that's life, so there's no point in discussing this.

seriously, he has a boyfriend. is he trying to make things uncomfortable on my first real vacation in three years? he had a three-year window of opportunity to say this to me, and i would have been on the next flight. a part of me feels like i owe it to those three years to test my feelings and see what happens, but another part says, window closed---next. but then i snap back to reality and realize that he just doesn't do it for me anymore. the sexual connection was never really that strong, and that's something that is really important to me. i can't be in a passionless relationship. it doesn't work for me.

my friend kmoney said that i need a clean slate, and a new boyfriend. to this i replied that i sort of had my hands full. he was incredulous.

"hands full of what? a guy, who seems to want you, but you don't want anymore; a guy who you want, but wants nothing from you more than friendship; and a guy you don't want, who doesn't want you either. sounds like your hands are pretty empty to me."

i know the idea of seeing someone with whom you wouldn't get serious is strange, but it's actually really good for me right now. it's nice to be with someone and not worry about where it's going. this is a lesson i need to learn, an experience that i think will lead to a heathier relationship down the road. as for aj, i could strangle him for waiting so long to say something. and why can't charlie realize that i wasn't really myself when i was with him, but that i really truly believe things would be better this time?

so what does this all mean? do i just make bad choices? am i too generous with my heart? my penis? do i end this thing with this new guy because i know it's wrong, even though it feels more right than it did with the two guys i actually loved? or do i keep going and wait for the lesson to kick in. what if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain and falls in love with me? what if i fall in love with him? what if i fall in love with aj when i go to florida (uhhh...no.) what if i finally get over charlie and he falls in love with me again. that kind of shakespearean tragedy bullshit would kill me, i think.

i need a drink.