skinny sex.

disclaimer: this entry in no way intends to infringe upon copyrights held by mo'nique or her subsidiaries (krispy kreme; dominoes) in reference to her hilarious rant entitled, 'skinny bitches'.

"hey, big boy..."

my friends and i have a lot of interesting conversations, many of which are not suitable for sensitive ears. last night, after another shot slammin' round of karaoke at the three crowns lounge (the place in lancaster for cheap beer, bad karaoke, and to more accurately demonstrate how cool you are not) we made our weekly sojourn to eatnpark. three trips to the buffet later, a high school friend of my sister's appeared over the buckets of powdered eggs and stale french toast, and i called her over to chat. we shot the proverbial shit for a few moments and said goodbye, promises to say hello to various mutual friends/relatives fresh on our lips. now, this girl is skinny. not fashion magazine skinny. skinny.

because we're all sex-starved karaoke freaks (well, except for trouble, the only one among us with another half) we tend to inject coitus into any subject that arises. thus, we proceeded to surpass our most vile, insane topics by discussing, at length, skinny sex.

before i give a detailed account of the dispicable things that fled from our tongues in the fifteen or so minutes that followed, i must explain what i mean by "conversation". it generally goes like this: someone lights the flame, we all laugh, and you can practically hear the wheels turning and grinding in our heads. sometimes, you can see sparks. what follows is not a structured discussion, but more a series of comments in a game we unofficially call "who can be more innapropriate".

back to the skinny sex. there's really no other way to do this but to list a few quotes, then run and hide.

"excuse me, could you spread your legs a little more, you're crushing my penis".

"her clitoris must be like a thumbtack".

"i don't know whether to fuck you or send you as little as 17 cents per day".

many, many other truly awful comments followed in what was an all-out, champion comment olympics, towards the end of which i grabbed a knife and a fork and, banging them together, exclaimed, "this must be what it sounds like."

ok, we're assholes. some people truly can't help being thin. and i'm sure some people could harbor an intense sexual desire for skinny folks. i'm not talking about anoriexia, either. those people could be fucked for all i care. there are millions of people on this planet without enough food. eat something, you spoiled, vain, self-centered bitch. but to those who eat, and eat, and work their asses off at the gym, and still can't gain an ounce, please forgive us for our beer buzzes. they know not, and rarely remember, what they do.