asstard of the month: july.

july's asstard with his wife, alex trebek

as much as i try to shy away from any structure concerning this space, i read ken jennings' "letter" to jeopardy and his asinine ramblings inspired what will (hopefully, despite add) be the opportunity to shine the spotlight on one of the many asstards that devour media space throughout each month. shouldn't be hard; online news sources are a virtual buffet of dumb, dumb people saying and doing dumb, dumb things. hell, as long as o'reilly's on the air, my job will pretty much be done for me.

last week, ken jennings, jeopardy's longest-running champion (74 appearances; $2.5 million) posted a letter to the show on his private blog. the overall tone is sarcastic, dry, and basically comes across as an inside joke for those who watch the show. there are two problems with this: 1) the only people who would know what he's talking about are so old and doped up on medication that they wouldn't know a computer if someone tried to insert one into their anus; and 2) nobody really cares. his fifteen minutes expired two years ago, and now we're supposed to be amused by/interested in his inane insights into the world of jeopardy? sorry. you're just not funny.

example: he comments on the show's artistic direction, which hasn't changed in nearly 20 years: the electric blue background, the same square clue board, the mechanical host. that's all fine, but he taps the price is right for examples of how things could be improved. excuse me, mr. ken, but have you even seen the price is right? it's the same set, same games, same music, same host, same nubile blonds flailing their arms about the same cherry armoirs and refrigerators for going on 30 years now. to clarify, i am not chastising price for this. that's the beauty of the show; it's the same one your parents watched when they were home sick from school. it's tradition, comfort, and while change is good, some things should stay the same.

i could take most of what mr. ken said with a nice, big, artery-clogging grain of salt, but something he said struck a nerve with me. for the most part, the letter is fluff and empty complaints meant to be satire. but he ventures to suggest that jeopardy should update its categories with things that americans really care about, such as playstation, men's magazines (porn???), and fast food. i don't believe that americans only care about these things, and to suggest otherwise and feed that negative stereotype is disgusting. i agree that most americans do not spend a significant amount of time discussing the societal implications of the fall of communism or even much of what is going on right now, but let's give ourselves a little more credit. intellectualism may be dead, but some of us still care about art, music, culture, and all the other things you used to find on bravo. if you want asinine trivia about britney spears and video games, watch vh1. we need jeopardy, just the way it is, so that the last few intellectuals among us can at least pretend that topics of substance are still cool.

so mr. ken, you are our first asstard of the month, if for no other reason than the fact that you've stooped to bite the hand that feeds you. you haven't caused any major damage, society is still in tact (relatively speaking), but you've pissed on what remains of your public image. sure, you could view the letter as satire, in which case one might describe it as trite and extraneous. if you take it seriously, then it's an outrageous assault on american intelligence. it's a good thing you have money, ken. it should provide some comfort as you wade through a sea of people who either consider you a pointless fool or a loathesome cumbucket.