moist.

not me, but i second his enthusiasm.

i am currently moist. not from excitement, or lack thereof, but from the most satisfying shower of my life. the water pressure. the smell of the soap. the soapy bubble stars aligned for me today. i am cleansed.

just thought you might want to know.

great night of television.

"you motherFUCKERS!"

she's gone. amanda overmyer is gone. in one fell swoop the idol gods (aka the viewers) have taken away 50% of my hope that the coolest idol contestant ever could be the first cool idol winner ever. i think she's probably relieved. she strikes me as the type of person who tried out for idol as a joke and then had a series of "oh shit, what the fuck do i do now?" moments as she unexpectedly advanced to each consecutive round.

matty got fucked over by james this week on BB9, and NO ONE deserved it more. i was so happy. it was such a tight little ending to the drama that's been plaguing the house lately. for those of you who don't watch, this is what's been happening:

the house was split between an alliance i call "three muscular straight guys and james" (adam, ryan, matty and james), and the rest of the houseguests. james betrayed the alliance by teaming up with sharon, chelsia, and ringleader joshua and plotting to win the power of veto, take sharon or chelsia off the block and slip matty in through a method called "backdooring". they approached head of household ryan with the promise of safety for two weeks. he agreed to the plan, considering that if he didn't he would piss off the majority of the house and become a target. sheila cunningly convinced ryan that backdooring matty would be a bad idea and that he would be next in line to go-- a victim of a group trying to pick off members of the alliance.

chelsia won power of veto and took herself off the nomination block. during the veto meeting, ryan did a 180 and nominated james for betraying the alliance, and he was promptly voted out 5-1 the following evening. here comes the twist. during his exit interview with host, the perfectly vapid and benign julie chen, james was told that the houseguests would soon have a choice: bring back a mystery evicted houseguest that america had chosen during the previous week, or bring back james. so, with a vote of 5-3, james was back, and determined to win head of household.

the last two standing in the hoh competition were james and natalie, matty's little tag-along. she struck a deal with james: keep her and matty safe, and hoh was his. james agreed and nominated ryan and sheila for their roles in his eviction. then, james also won power of veto, took sheila off the block, and nominated matt. the following evening, the vote came to a tie, and james, as head of household, cast the tie-breaking vote and evicted matty.

revenge is sweet.

p.s. james did gay porn. google it. it's hot.

peep show.

eye candy.

tivo and the fall of idol.

did pat benatar sneak onto american idol?

does anyone else think american idol sucks this year? many of you just said, "this year?", and fine. you can have that. a lot of it has sucked before. but there were at least three or four people each year i really liked. or at least could stand. even the contestants i do like, it's really only lukewarm. this group of obnoxious wannabes are simply too much for my relatively high annoyance threshold to handle. ok, i know it's only week two of the top 24, but i'm really disappointed. perhaps it's ryan seacrest's insistence that this is the best top 24 ever. that may be true, but they certainly aren't showing it. let's look at the rundown, shall we?

the guys

colton berry (aka ellen degeneres): gone, rightfully so. F-

chikezie eze: more like chi-cheezy. F

danny noriega: i do enjoy his sassy style; anyone who can be that unapologetically gay on american idol is my hero. and he can actually sing. is he the next justin timberlake? no. i hereby dub him the Talented Sanjaya. C- (but A+++ for great television).

david archuleta: don't even get me started. oops, too late. this little piece of shit has been pimped more than a bridge-and-tunnel whore and is infinitely less talented. voice-stink average. looks-cute, but makes me feel dirty. and i'm sorry, but there is no way a 16 year-old has the first clue what the song "Imagine" is about, and to take a vocal shit all over it with those disgusting runs was nothing short of blasphemous. it's a simple, sweet song, which should be sung simply and, well, sweetly. and he seems to have contracted melinda doolittle's "lil' ole me" disease. He should be killed. F-----

david cook: let's ignore his phony rocker look. let's look past his donald trump combover. the dude is karaoke at best, and at worst, sounds like he's choking on a koosh ball. but karaoke is actually pretty good for this season, so C-

david hernandez: probably the most naturally gifted singer in the competition, but oh no, let's not let that stop him from sucking. let's throw in some hideous dance moves and an uncomfortable stage presence. as simon would say, it's all a little corny and cruise shippy. he really does have a nice voice, though, and he's kinda cute. B-

garrett "farrah" haley: he and his golden tresses have retreated back to the 80's where they belong. F-

jason castro: ok, i actually really liked this guy last week. he seemed to be the only one out of the entire top 24 who's in it for the music. he's got AMAZING eyes, and cool dreds, and he plays the guitar and sings really well. my first impression: authentic. he kind of blew it this week, but i'm holding out hope. B+

jason yeager: last night he dressed all in black and had a white streak through the front of his dark hair. so...he's frankenstein's secret gay lover? F-

luke menard: who? F-

michael johns: ok, i don't mean to sound like a republican, but this is american idol. fine, if you're from another country, great. whatever. but shouldn't you at least be an american citizen? bland, overpimped, and unfair: michael johns. D

robbie carrico: if dating britney spears doesn't make you famous, nothing will. not even american idol. F-

the girls

alaina whitaker, kady malloy: imagine my surprise when i learned that they were two different people! simon delivered his funniest line ever to kady malloy, referencing her dead-on britney impression: "i don't know who could impersonate you. a pencil or something". kady can actually sing. i would describe her voice as celine dion, drunk. if she gets it under control, she might make it far. until then, two big fat F's

alexandria lushington: good voice, but she dressed like a five year-old who'd just gone through her big sister's closet. and she lost control of the song at the end. could go either way. for now, D

amanda overmyer: this girl pretty much rocks. how can you not love a hardass biker nurse who can blow like janis and calls simon out on his lack of musical knowledge. Her performance was a little in and out, but she had attitude and style. B+

amy davis: my ears still hurt. bitch be gone. F-

asia'h epperson: the artist formerly known as semi-colon. shamelessly uses her dad's recent death to score points with viewers. average voice. D+

brooke white: really pretty and charming when she plays the piano and sings. take away the piano, not so much. D

carly smithson: take david archuleta's world-class pimping, michael johns' average voice and non-citizenship, add a very poorly received album (under the name carly hennessey-and to put it in perspective, justin guarini sold more albums) and you've got this bitch pegged. there aren't enough f's in the alphabet, so Z---

danny noriega: oh, wait, he's a guy. see above.

joanne borgella: won one of mo'nique's thousands of reality shows. sucked plus-sized ass. gone, baby, gone. F

kristy lee cook (aka slutty underwood): take carrie underwood, raise her up in a trailer park, and take away everything that is charming about her voice. in other words, she'll probably win. F-

ramiele malubay: not a bad singer, but you can tell she's been imitating the voices on the radio for most of her life. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz. D+

syesha mercado: if she takes the scarf off, she might be tolerable. D+

conclusion: it's slim pickens in season seven. one good musician, an awesome rocker chick, a sassy smartass, and a whole lot of not much else. thank god for tivo. at least i can zip through those awful pre-performance interviews. still waiting for seacrest to blow cowell.

oh well, maybe next year.

i love youtube.

five a.m. and ticking...

many of you reading this are not from lancaster county.

this means that you have probably never eaten a meal which consisted of noodles, bread, pie, and potatoes (the starchy special). you've probably also never had to clean horse shit, or road apples, off of your brand new tires. but most importantly, and unfortunately, you have probably never imbibed turkey hill iced tea.

this sweet, sweet nectar, i am certain, was tapped from from the golden teet of the goddess of morning, which is what you will certainly see if you drink it. it comes in an assortment of flavors, such as blueberry oolong, green, orange, raspberry, peach, southern brew, and, my personal favorite, lemonade tea.

if you are blessed enough to have the chance to sample it, do so, but be sure that it is no later than 12 p.m. otherwise, you will find yourself, as i have, locked in the grips of an all-night blogosphere orgy. it has the highest concentration of caffeine of any beverage known to man. more than mountain dew. more than coke. more than coffee, crystal meth, and adderall combined. among lancastrians, it is simply known as liquid crack.

need i say more?

me in july.

no, i'm not going to be skinny and/or black. i'm going to be judas.

sweet jesus.

this is sanjaya.

this is george clooney.


american idol 7. January 15, 2008. 8 p.m.

i don't usually use this term but...

...yippee. Just...yippee.

i'm so famous

divalicious...

me in four weeks. (the one not created by jim henson inc.) come see me.

for tix:

ephrata performing arts center
717-733-7966

run dates: oct 4-20

the old theater

the rambles and shambles
and wadded up bundles of nerves
deep within my bowels
they rise into my chest
breathe in
and out
feel your pulse
if what you feel is cold
and blank
there are no choices left
only wilted daisies on the dressing room floor
and the lingering smell of second winds
caught between acts
missed entrances and lovely lunches
on the grass by the crick
this and that and then and when
before there was this, there was that
and it was good
but trading good for great
is impossible
when great means pain and broken promises
exchanged under blankets and behind walls of shame
long after this light cools
into perpetual sunset
and we live between two days
for the rest of our lives
the old theater will stand
and anyone who visits it
above the music and ovations
between the whiffs of coffee and sawdust
will smell us
and hear us
and know that this building bred something
better than good
and almost great.

diva!

can you find me?

out of the shadow of winter.

it's been a long, long time. i missed all three of you.

here's what is happening:

1) i'm doing some theater for the ephrata performing arts center. right now we're working on the best little whorehouse in texas, and then moving on to south pacific immediately after that. i'm still waiting to hear results on the godspell callbacks, but i'm crossing my fingers. that show is in november. something was missing from my life and this was it. everything else seems to be falling into place.

2) i went to philly last night to visit my two bestest friends from high school. within 30 minutes of my arrival i had spilled my drink [twice], my boyfriend drank the last of the champagne [bad party etiquette, fuzzy], and i broke a glass [um]. does anyone want to have us over? we went out to a piano bar eventually and i sang a few tunes, and got completely plastered. a truly good time.

3) in case you don't know, i tested positive for hiv in January, and i LOVE my new medicine. it's called atripla, and it makes you feel drunk. so, basically, i get fucked up every night. doctor's orders!

4) the last time i posted, i think i was still in the middle of a really bad idea (sleeping with my ex). almost immediately [days] after that ended [really badly] i met someone else. he's younger than i usually date (21), but he's smart (franklin and marshall college, class of '07) and goofy (does a great impression of a dead cat) and we click [great sex/conversation/rapport]. i'm intensely in love. also, he's negative, so we are in a serodiscordant [+/-] relationship (can you tell i've been doing my hiv homework?). i used to think that being in love was just one great big feeling. but it's actually more like layers of feelings, one right on top of the other--layers of all the things that make him and me "us". three months. this might be something.

that's all i can think of for now.