asstard of the month: august

august's asstard in chains, just how i like 'em.

he’s america’s newest sweetheart. not since scott peterson has our increasingly embarrassing mainstream media embraced someone with such fervor, nor have they devoured and spewed information about a single person with such voracious excess.

amidst the great news (great, n. incomprehensibly crappy; depressing) the last full summer month delivered, john mark karr demoted michael jackson as the worlds most fucked up individual by confessing to the murder of jonbenet ramsey. of course, what most of us (or, at least, i) suspected from the beginning of the latest greatest show on earth was confirmed through dna testing: he didn’t do it.

apparently, boulder police were aware of karr’s obsession for some time. a documentary produced years ago by the lead investigator featured a scene where police attempt to contact karr by telephone to no avail. when he was arrested in thailand a few weeks ago, he confessed, revealing that he and jonbenet, and not nicole “i-don’t-eat” kidman and tom “shut-up-and-give-birth-to-my-spawn” cruise were the hottest supercouple of the nineties. they were in love, he says. on the night of her death, he claimed they had engaged in a “romantic and very sexual encounter”, after which he accidentally beat the bejeezus out of her, pulverizing her internal organs, and strangled her until she died. oops.

to hear him speak of the crime, one would come to the conclusion that this man is not only batshit, but also quite proud of it. he seemed to revel in the attention. while on camera, his eyes glazed over and his expression was one of serenity as he basked in the afterglow of fucking the taxpayers of boulder. he virtually stopped short of hiring an agent, requesting that johnny depp play him in a movie about his life. johnny depp has taken on an eclectic assortment of rolls in the course of his career, but this guy just might be too strange, even for him. i can’t speak for johnny, but i would rather have karr piss on my face than be associated with him in such a way.

one can’t completely blame this guy for his behavior, though. he’s obviously not living in the same world as the rest of us. anyone who is turned on by a five year-old’s “hot bellybutton” can not be held responsible for their actions. this is where society should step in, lock him up, and hide the key between saddam’s nukes and pecos bill’s collection of leprechaun semen samples.

personally, i blame the media.

our media: sweet, aren’t they? as the technological hold on the mainstream press advances, it’s becoming apparent that the media obstructs our justice system by over-analyzing and overexposing alleged criminals and giving preference to certain stories while completely ignoring others. when was the last time you saw nancy grace running through the streets with a lynch mob because some little black girl got killed?

the worst of this breed of “journalists” is rita cosby, who routinely serves as puppetmaster to public lynchings so blatant that fox news was effectively transformed into the lacy peterson network for the better part of a year. the man is guilty as hell, but she had him tried and convicted before police had even found the body. she is a sensationalist who engages in irresponsible speculation with seemingly little regard for the way her influence on the american people shapes public opinion. is it still possible at this point to find anyone with little enough exposure to the ramsey case to qualify as a juror? it’s highly doubtful. there is a fairly telling photo circulating online of ms. cosby peering into the window of the cruiser which transported karr to his first court appearance. their gazes are locked, and from the expression on her face, you would have thought she had just walked in on the dead half of the beatles taking turns ass-ramming jerry garcia in her bathroom.

we must, must, must practice restraint when reporting news related to our justice system. there is a reason our citizens are considered innocent until proven guilty. the founders understood that mankind has a history of condemning the innocent, and although the system they devised is far from perfect, it is still among the most humane and reasoned in the world.

so, thank you, john mark karr, august’s asstard of the month. thank you for being the sick, perverted, tax-wasting, kiddie-tittie-fucking whackjob that you are. you have opened many eyes to the consequences of over reporting. cheers.