the best.

i was thinking of the best (so far) things that have happened to me in my life. then i began to break those things down into different categories. once that was done, i chose best of the best winners. i started making subcategories, and things got hazy after that. so i'm going to keep it simple for you folks. in the grand tradition of stupid myspace bulletins, here are my best. call it the bobcademy awards. the bobscars.

best dinner

the best meal i ever ate was a crab feast at a small joint called "jack's" just outside of fenwick island, delaware. for 25 bucks we got all the crabs, corn on the cob, hush puppies, and coca-cola we could stomach, and it was delicious. it wasn't that the crabs were outstanding. they were pretty average, actually. it was the combination of foods, and in such great excess, that made this meal a memorable one.

best brother battle

my siblings and i had many, many battles over the years, and for the most part successfully hid their full scope from our easily distracted parents. my favorite began in the summer, and didn't completely end until the following spring. on a particularly hot, humid afternoon, i decided to make a pitcher of frozen apple juice. my wheels kicked into motion, and about five minutes later i found myself offering my younger brother a glass of the cool, delicious nectar. as i watched him chug, and subsequently vomit my urine, i felt a warm sense of satisfaction, only peppered with minor feelings of guilt. the next winter, my time had arrived, only this time the trojan horse was a steaming cup of cocoa. my brother had, quite brilliantly, come to the conclusion that urine's yellow tint would leave the cocoa close to its original shade, plus, since both liquids are warm, it was more likely that i would imbibe more of the nasty concotion before realizing what was happening. so, until the next spring, we were tied. i decided to go atomic on our little war, and pissed all over the basement floor. i then summoned my deepest feelings of disgust as i told my dad i'd seen my brother do it. i sat on the basement steps, victorious, as the poor guy got the lecture of a lifetime while cleaning up my piss with an old rag.

best sister battle

when i was a kid, i had a pet mouse named luke. he was the first pet i'd ever had that lived for more than a year. i was extremely proud of this fact, as well as quite emotionally attached to the little rodent. my slightly younger sister, one afternoon, felt it would be prudent to introduce luke to the family airdale terrier, kelly. we'll say they got off to a rocky start, and my little mouse died in my hands minutes later. in the days that followed i pondered, then exacted my revenge. i filled the water dish in the small aquarium that housed my sister's pet tree frog, monkey (i have no idea why), and waiting for the amphibian to die a slow, but streak-free death. when nothing happened after about an hour, i picked the little guy up and gently placed him in the tainted dish. still, nothing happened. apparently, frogs and windex are not a lethal combination. luckily, the marriage of frogs and having their faces shoved under any kind of liquid for a few seconds is quite deadly, and thus monkey perished.

best kiss

the summer of '02 drew to a close, as did the romance that had blossomed between me and the goofy nerd from florida, and we were saying goodbye at sunrise. things had gotten shaky a month before, and we decided to be friends for the remainder of his time here. so there had been no kissing, no touching, for a solid four weeks. he looked at me with his lovely brown eyes, and whispered that he wasn't leaving without a kiss. i hesitated, but it was too late. we were locked into a passionate, desperate kiss that put all others to shame, yet completely broke my heart. as i drove off, i watched him in my mirrors, knowing that i would probably never see him again. this would later prove to be an untrue assumption. we've remained friends for more than four years. my love life has grown more mature and more passionate, but i've never forgotten that kiss.

best sex

i will respect the other participant and only say this: it involved a toilet seat, an unpaid heating bill, and a lot of steam.
note: this is actually the second best sex i've ever had. the actual first best is much too personal to recount. sorry.

best night of drinking

i used to work at a brewpub in lancaster. one sunday night, i was covering the closing bar shift, and by ten p.m. the place was empty. the manager on duty that night had started as a server, so we were all friends with her. we decided it would be a good idea to close down two hours early and get drunk for free. now, there were about four or five of us: the two servers, mark and a.j., my roomate, kate, the manager, brooke, and myself, and together we drank roughly $400 worth of beer, shots, and cocktails. i drank a lot of winter warmer, a dark, thick brew with nearly 10% abv. four pints of that, a flurry of shots, and four hours later we were stealing six-packs and preparing to walk back to my apartment to drink more. needless to say, we were all heavily bombed at this point, so walking and carrying beer was probably not the best idea. we lost quite a few bottles, but no one seemed to care, and we spent the remainder of the night playing asshole and hitting my bong. around 6 a.m. we somehow managed to drive to columbia diner for the greasiest meal any of us had ever eaten. we were all in bed by 7:30, and back at work the next day by 11.


tell me yours, or come up with some new categories. everyone who responds will get a virtual gold star.