freak chic.

moist.

2008-04-08T17:13:00.003-04:00

not me, but i second his enthusiasm.

i am currently moist. not from excitement, or lack thereof, but from the most satisfying shower of my life. the water pressure. the smell of the soap. the soapy bubble stars aligned for me today. i am cleansed.

just thought you might want to know.

great night of television.

2008-03-20T13:14:00.006-04:00

"you motherFUCKERS!"

she's gone. amanda overmyer is gone. in one fell swoop the idol gods (aka the viewers) have taken away 50% of my hope that the coolest idol contestant ever could be the first cool idol winner ever. i think she's probably relieved. she strikes me as the type of person who tried out for idol as a joke and then had a series of "oh shit, what the fuck do i do now?" moments as she unexpectedly advanced to each consecutive round.

matty got fucked over by james this week on BB9, and NO ONE deserved it more. i was so happy. it was such a tight little ending to the drama that's been plaguing the house lately. for those of you who don't watch, this is what's been happening:

the house was split between an alliance i call "three muscular straight guys and james" (adam, ryan, matty and james), and the rest of the houseguests. james betrayed the alliance by teaming up with sharon, chelsia, and ringleader joshua and plotting to win the power of veto, take sharon or chelsia off the block and slip matty in through a method called "backdooring". they approached head of household ryan with the promise of safety for two weeks. he agreed to the plan, considering that if he didn't he would piss off the majority of the house and become a target. sheila cunningly convinced ryan that backdooring matty would be a bad idea and that he would be next in line to go-- a victim of a group trying to pick off members of the alliance.

chelsia won power of veto and took herself off the nomination block. during the veto meeting, ryan did a 180 and nominated james for betraying the alliance, and he was promptly voted out 5-1 the following evening. here comes the twist. during his exit interview with host, the perfectly vapid and benign julie chen, james was told that the houseguests would soon have a choice: bring back a mystery evicted houseguest that america had chosen during the previous week, or bring back james. so, with a vote of 5-3, james was back, and determined to win head of household.

the last two standing in the hoh competition were james and natalie, matty's little tag-along. she struck a deal with james: keep her and matty safe, and hoh was his. james agreed and nominated ryan and sheila for their roles in his eviction. then, james also won power of veto, took sheila off the block, and nominated matt. the following evening, the vote came to a tie, and james, as head of household, cast the tie-breaking vote and evicted matty.

revenge is sweet.

p.s. james did gay porn. google it. it's hot.

peep show.

2008-03-13T01:14:00.002-04:00

eye candy.

2008-03-09T12:04:00.002-04:00

tivo and the fall of idol.

2008-02-27T11:16:00.015-05:00

did pat benatar sneak onto american idol?

does anyone else think american idol sucks this year? many of you just said, "this year?", and fine. you can have that. a lot of it has sucked before. but there were at least three or four people each year i really liked. or at least could stand. even the contestants i do like, it's really only lukewarm. this group of obnoxious wannabes are simply too much for my relatively high annoyance threshold to handle. ok, i know it's only week two of the top 24, but i'm really disappointed. perhaps it's ryan seacrest's insistence that this is the best top 24 ever. that may be true, but they certainly aren't showing it. let's look at the rundown, shall we?

the guys

colton berry (aka ellen degeneres): gone, rightfully so. F-

chikezie eze: more like chi-cheezy. F

danny noriega: i do enjoy his sassy style; anyone who can be that unapologetically gay on american idol is my hero. and he can actually sing. is he the next justin timberlake? no. i hereby dub him the Talented Sanjaya. C- (but A+++ for great television).

david archuleta: don't even get me started. oops, too late. this little piece of shit has been pimped more than a bridge-and-tunnel whore and is infinitely less talented. voice-stink average. looks-cute, but makes me feel dirty. and i'm sorry, but there is no way a 16 year-old has the first clue what the song "Imagine" is about, and to take a vocal shit all over it with those disgusting runs was nothing short of blasphemous. it's a simple, sweet song, which should be sung simply and, well, sweetly. and he seems to have contracted melinda doolittle's "lil' ole me" disease. He should be killed. F-----

david cook: let's ignore his phony rocker look. let's look past his donald trump combover. the dude is karaoke at best, and at worst, sounds like he's choking on a koosh ball. but karaoke is actually pretty good for this season, so C-

david hernandez: probably the most naturally gifted singer in the competition, but oh no, let's not let that stop him from sucking. let's throw in some hideous dance moves and an uncomfortable stage presence. as simon would say, it's all a little corny and cruise shippy. he really does have a nice voice, though, and he's kinda cute. B-

garrett "farrah" haley: he and his golden tresses have retreated back to the 80's where they belong. F-

jason castro: ok, i actually really liked this guy last week. he seemed to be the only one out of the entire top 24 who's in it for the music. he's got AMAZING eyes, and cool dreds, and he plays the guitar and sings really well. my first impression: authentic. he kind of blew it this week, but i'm holding out hope. B+

jason yeager: last night he dressed all in black and had a white streak through the front of his dark hair. so...he's frankenstein's secret gay lover? F-

luke menard: who? F-

michael johns: ok, i don't mean to sound like a republican, but this is american idol. fine, if you're from another country, great. whatever. but shouldn't you at least be an american citizen? bland, overpimped, and unfair: michael johns. D

robbie carrico: if dating britney spears doesn't make you famous, nothing will. not even american idol. F-

the girls

alaina whitaker, kady malloy: imagine my surprise when i learned that they were two different people! simon delivered his funniest line ever to kady malloy, referencing her dead-on britney impression: "i don't know who could impersonate you. a pencil or something". kady can actually sing. i would describe her voice as celine dion, drunk. if she gets it under control, she might make it far. until then, two big fat F's

alexandria lushington: good voice, but she dressed like a five year-old who'd just gone through her big sister's closet. and she lost control of the song at the end. could go either way. for now, D

amanda overmyer: this girl pretty much rocks. how can you not love a hardass biker nurse who can blow like janis and calls simon out on his lack of musical knowledge. Her performance was a little in and out, but she had attitude and style. B+

amy davis: my ears still hurt. bitch be gone. F-

asia'h epperson: the artist formerly known as semi-colon. shamelessly uses her dad's recent death to score points with viewers. average voice. D+

brooke white: really pretty and charming when she plays the piano and sings. take away the piano, not so much. D

carly smithson: take david archuleta's world-class pimping, michael johns' average voice and non-citizenship, add a very poorly received album (under the name carly hennessey-and to put it in perspective, justin guarini sold more albums) and you've got this bitch pegged. there aren't enough f's in the alphabet, so Z---

danny noriega: oh, wait, he's a guy. see above.

joanne borgella: won one of mo'nique's thousands of reality shows. sucked plus-sized ass. gone, baby, gone. F

kristy lee cook (aka slutty underwood): take carrie underwood, raise her up in a trailer park, and take away everything that is charming about her voice. in other words, she'll probably win. F-

ramiele malubay: not a bad singer, but you can tell she's been imitating the voices on the radio for most of her life. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz. D+

syesha mercado: if she takes the scarf off, she might be tolerable. D+

conclusion: it's slim pickens in season seven. one good musician, an awesome rocker chick, a sassy smartass, and a whole lot of not much else. thank god for tivo. at least i can zip through those awful pre-performance interviews. still waiting for seacrest to blow cowell.

oh well, maybe next year.

i love youtube.

2008-02-22T17:46:00.003-05:00

five a.m. and ticking...

2008-02-22T05:11:00.007-05:00

many of you reading this are not from lancaster county.

this means that you have probably never eaten a meal which consisted of noodles, bread, pie, and potatoes (the starchy special). you've probably also never had to clean horse shit, or road apples, off of your brand new tires. but most importantly, and unfortunately, you have probably never imbibed turkey hill iced tea.

this sweet, sweet nectar, i am certain, was tapped from from the golden teet of the goddess of morning, which is what you will certainly see if you drink it. it comes in an assortment of flavors, such as blueberry oolong, green, orange, raspberry, peach, southern brew, and, my personal favorite, lemonade tea.

if you are blessed enough to have the chance to sample it, do so, but be sure that it is no later than 12 p.m. otherwise, you will find yourself, as i have, locked in the grips of an all-night blogosphere orgy. it has the highest concentration of caffeine of any beverage known to man. more than mountain dew. more than coke. more than coffee, crystal meth, and adderall combined. among lancastrians, it is simply known as liquid crack.

need i say more?

me in july.

2008-02-06T16:56:00.000-05:00

no, i'm not going to be skinny and/or black. i'm going to be judas.

sweet jesus.

2008-01-12T03:39:00.001-05:00

this is sanjaya.

this is george clooney.

american idol 7. January 15, 2008. 8 p.m.

i don't usually use this term but...

2008-01-05T23:59:00.000-05:00

...yippee. Just...yippee.

i'm so famous

2007-12-05T15:09:00.000-05:00

divalicious...

2007-08-31T17:31:00.000-04:00

me in four weeks. (the one not created by jim henson inc.) come see me.

for tix:

ephrata performing arts center
717-733-7966

run dates: oct 4-20

the old theater

2007-07-14T14:21:00.000-04:00

the rambles and shambles
and wadded up bundles of nerves
deep within my bowels
they rise into my chest
breathe in
and out
feel your pulse
if what you feel is cold
and blank
there are no choices left
only wilted daisies on the dressing room floor
and the lingering smell of second winds
caught between acts
missed entrances and lovely lunches
on the grass by the crick
this and that and then and when
before there was this, there was that
and it was good
but trading good for great
is impossible
when great means pain and broken promises
exchanged under blankets and behind walls of shame
long after this light cools
into perpetual sunset
and we live between two days
for the rest of our lives
the old theater will stand
and anyone who visits it
above the music and ovations
between the whiffs of coffee and sawdust
will smell us
and hear us
and know that this building bred something
better than good
and almost great.

diva!

2007-05-11T10:34:00.000-04:00

can you find me?

out of the shadow of winter.

2007-03-25T16:11:00.000-04:00

it's been a long, long time. i missed all three of you.

here's what is happening:

1) i'm doing some theater for the ephrata performing arts center. right now we're working on the best little whorehouse in texas, and then moving on to south pacific immediately after that. i'm still waiting to hear results on the godspell callbacks, but i'm crossing my fingers. that show is in november. something was missing from my life and this was it. everything else seems to be falling into place.

2) i went to philly last night to visit my two bestest friends from high school. within 30 minutes of my arrival i had spilled my drink [twice], my boyfriend drank the last of the champagne [bad party etiquette, fuzzy], and i broke a glass [um]. does anyone want to have us over? we went out to a piano bar eventually and i sang a few tunes, and got completely plastered. a truly good time.

3) in case you don't know, i tested positive for hiv in January, and i LOVE my new medicine. it's called atripla, and it makes you feel drunk. so, basically, i get fucked up every night. doctor's orders!

4) the last time i posted, i think i was still in the middle of a really bad idea (sleeping with my ex). almost immediately [days] after that ended [really badly] i met someone else. he's younger than i usually date (21), but he's smart (franklin and marshall college, class of '07) and goofy (does a great impression of a dead cat) and we click [great sex/conversation/rapport]. i'm intensely in love. also, he's negative, so we are in a serodiscordant [+/-] relationship (can you tell i've been doing my hiv homework?). i used to think that being in love was just one great big feeling. but it's actually more like layers of feelings, one right on top of the other--layers of all the things that make him and me "us". three months. this might be something.

that's all i can think of for now.

these are your choices. oh, and tom vilsack, too.

2007-01-21T14:33:00.000-05:00

"we need to change our politics."

"i want to start a conversation..."

can you tell who I'll be supporting? ok, so I'm transparent. well, it should be fairly obvious. the woman has all the warmth and charm of a klansman. in all seriousness, my real objection to hillary is that she is from a failed era of politics. she brings nothing new to the table. she even used to live in the white house. therefore, she may as well come across as frosty the snow bitch. her ideas are just as cold.

not that warmth and charm make a great president. bush II and reagan have/had loads of charisma--as does obama. unlike tweedle dee and tweedle dumber, however, obama backs up his ability to connect. what strikes me about his potential candidacy is that he seems more like a regular joe who just decided to run for president because he was sick of pulling long hours at the factory for crappy wages and no benefits. ok, this is an exaggeration. he comes from a middle class background, true, but he is by no means working class. he is, however, someone who came from very little and---i'm about to use a bad word---worked for what he has. quite the opposite of the man currently "leading" us over a cliff like lemmings. obama has real common sense, maverick ideas and theories on american life, and a brilliance I've not noticed in politics for some time. or am i so used to w that i'd swoon if cameron diaz ran for president on a "paint the white house hot pink" platform?

Nah.

(the audacity of hope- thoughts on reclaiming the american dream, by barack obama. read it. now.)

fa-la-freakin'-la.

2006-12-24T10:31:00.000-05:00

Weed wish you a Merry Christmas...

...and a Happy New Beer!

shiny happy people.

2006-10-06T11:25:00.000-04:00

in an effort to redeem myself for my self-designation as september's asstard of the month, here is a really funny joke:

president bush, first lady laura and dick cheney were flying on air force one. george looked at laura, chuckled and said, "you know, i could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "i could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

cheney added, "that being the case, i could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "such big-shots back there. shit, i could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."

asstard of the month: september

2006-10-03T12:44:00.000-04:00

september's asstard: me

i haven't blogged in weeks. that alone is enough to make me asstard of the month. i have been far more self-destructive than that in the last month, however, and i have rightly earned, and possibly surpassed, this title.

let's look at my life over the last four weeks:

i've been slacking off at work. when there's nothing to do, i pore over the drudge report, or alternet, or bushwatch, often for a few hours at a time. i've soul-searched, prodded my cranium, and even prayed (yes, prayed) for the answer to why i don't feel motivated to do a better job. since going on adderall for adhd, i've made far fewer mistakes, but the pumped up drive i was expecting took a detour to lalaland.
i started sleeping with my ex-boyfriend again. in august, as my more loyal readers (all three of you!) know, i put an end to the cat-and-mouse game that was bob and charlie. for nearly 14 months, we were on, then off, then on, then off. after years of making really bad choices in my relationships, i finally got the sense that i was growing up and taking care of myself. so what did i do with all of the self-respect and empowerment i earned by making this bold move into my future? i took a giant, steaming shit on it.
i stole three dollars from my sister's jacket. it was for gas, so i blame bush.
tuesday evening, i drove home so drunk that i can't even remember how i got into the house.
in another classic "dumb sex act", i reunited with orange hat, who has a renewed commitment to the once fledgling relationship that had ignited our emotional affair. having gotten too drunk, i stayed at his house, and let's just say i was not the most well-behaved kitten in the pound that night.
i was driving home from charlie's one mid-morning and, not paying attention, slammed into the back of a tractor trailer that had stopped for a red light. the front of my car is smashed in slightly, and my headlights now point directly at the ground. they still light the road enough to see, but i have to keep my high beams on.
my debit card is falling apart, and i ordered a new one, then was too lazy to finally have my address changed so that it wouldn't go to my old apartment.
last week, i hit a rabbit with my car and didn't even care.

so, that is why i, bobulah, scum of my great-aunt's anus, am september's asstard of the month.

graceless lady--update.

2006-09-13T16:03:00.000-04:00

dis bitch be trippin

this came over the ap wire today:

"two weeks after telling police that her son had been snatched from his crib, melinda duckett found herself reeling in an interview with tv's famously prosecutorial nancy grace. before it was over, grace was pounding her desk and loudly demanding to know: 'where were you? why aren't you telling us where you were that day?'"

a day after the taping, duckett, 21, shot herself to death, deepening the mystery of what happened to the boy."

nancy, you're not a prosecuter any more. you're a journalist (allegedly), and treating someone like this, who has been neither charged nor accused of any crime whatsoever, amounts to nothing more than a despicable attempt to either boost ratings, or win a pulitzer by getting her to confess live on television. you should be fired immediately.

i rest my case.

nobody knows the trouble i've seen.

2006-09-12T13:21:00.000-04:00

my creative/political spirit received a few much needed bolts of electricity a few months ago.

we all meet new people every day. rarely, however--just a few times in our lives--do we get the opportunity to know an individual who inspires, opens our minds, and challenges us to be the very best version of ourselves.

i found a kindred spirit in a short, well-endowed redhead who goes by the all too appropriate name of trouble. as the weeks dripped by, she rapidly became one of my favorite people alive. i’ve learned plenty from her, and i’m sure i’ve taught her a few things as well.

a few days ago, she returned to her busy life in new york after a few months of hibernation in lancaster. she takes with her my respect, admiration, and lifelong friendship. i didn't get to say goodbye because, failing to realize that this weekend would be our last to grace the stage together at the lodge, i was busy prancing around lancaster and harrisburg with my gays like a drag queen on meth.

bad friend faux paus aside, you will surely find me in new york within a few months, hoping for a fix. i’m sure she's sitting in her apartment, reading this, thinking, “you are so full of shit,” but i mean everything i say here. if there were a god in the skies to thank for bringing her into my life, i would drop to my knees and never get up (there’s lots to do down there anyway…) she is my beach buddy, my bush-bashing partner in crime, and i’m sure, on some level, my nemesis. she is, in short, the shiznit, and i will miss her terribly.

the news: graceless lady, etc.

2006-09-05T11:44:00.000-04:00

just a few thoughts on the abundance of news the establishment spewed throughout the week:

entertainment: steve irwin, now the most obnoxious man no longer alive, was killed when a stingray plunged its poisonous barb deep into his heart. well, that's a pleasant image. rather than allowing the event (not tragedy) to open a dialogue about the extent of mankind's hubris, the media has largely opted to memorialize him as a brave warrior in the struggle to acquire knowledge of the animal kingdom. this is a man who has largely devoted his life to tormenting animals who are simply minding their own business, fulfilling their purpose as links in the food chain. how would you like it if you stopped for a drink of water, or to bite the head off of a mongoose, and some cheese-dick in khaki shorts and knee-high stockings jumps on your back and wrestles you to the ground, only to release you once filming stops? lesson learned: don't fuck with animals, dick.

local: at 8 a.m. saturday, in a small development near my house, a gas leak caused an explosion in a modest dwelling, rocking its foundation and leaving the house completely destroyed. oddly, all six family members were asleep on the second floor when the explosion occurred, and no one was hurt. i drove by on my way home from work saturday after i heard about it, and it looks as if someone had lifted the house from its foundation and dropped it. one of the residents is a friend of my younger brother and he said they're essentially homeless. how does something like this happen? a gas leak in the 21st century? shouldn't we have moved on to tackling more complex and unexpected dangers by now? should we still worry about our houses exploding while we sleep? silly.

national: bush is tearing across the country, on our dime, condescending to inform us that we just don't understand the threat, therefore we should just place all of our trust in him to carry out the destiny of our civilization. well, that makes me feel better. looks like all of my anti-war protesting and voting for people other than the president was time that would have been better spent waxing my dog's ass. you know, since i had my awareness renaissance sometime after 9/11 and before mission accomplished, i've tried hard to see the "other" side of things. i've argued their points quietly to myself, made conscious mental efforts to keep my liberal bias in check and truly learned to be honest with myself when my side is wrong (which the democrats, the party representing my side with all the passion of a sloth in diabetic shock, often are). it all comes down, however, to two very different worldviews, and the only conclusion i can derive from this messy polarization is that theirs is wrong. it's just wrong.

i must say the response from the american people to this, the 3,784th public relations repackaging of the same failed military occupation (islamic fascism? come on), has inspired me to hope that we may just be snapping out of our 9/11 fear bubble. no one seems to be buying it, and bush's ratings have stayed put. here is what needs to happen: the term "liberal" has been so demonized by the right that many of us have abandoned the term and opted to be referred to as "progressive", so i predict that former liberals and moderates will join together to oppose the radical right currently in power, and form a new progressive. this movement will not be party-specific, and will be led by a charismatic and passionate revolutionary (not politician) with something refreshing: the ability to think and reason analytically, and a worldview based in reality, as opposed to the rose colored fairy tale land bush calls home, where america is always right and he is firmly seated by the right hand of god, sent by said deity to restore his proper place in society: the public square. shyeah.

personal: i've been having trouble concentrating at work, which has led to several sizeable errors on my part which, in turn, have given me the distinction of having broken several records for most credits given in a four week period. so i went to the doctor, she asked me a few questions and confirmed what my friends and family had jokingly insinuated for most of my life: i have add. to my delight, she put me on my favorite recreational prescription drug, aderrall. it's really wonderful. i'm more focused, alert, social, i can get into conversations and stay in them without getting bored, i sleep better, etc. the benefits are endless. i'm a firm believer that our quick-fix culture will eventually kill us, but at least when the end comes, i'll be wide awake for it.

and finally...

nancy grace: nancy grace is the biggest piece of shit "journalist" on television. her show should be cancelled, and on her last broadcast, she should be shot in the face by larry king for leaking her vile, entertainment-before-facts brand of evil into the harmless, yet dull, tie-and-suspenders fest that is larry king live. nuff said.

breakin' the law.

2006-08-31T21:02:00.000-04:00

i had a crappy day.

i was driving to work around 8:15 this morning, and was stopped by a state trooper about ten minutes from my office. both officers stepped out of the cruiser and approached my window. the officer greeted me, mentioned that i was being recorded, identified himself, and proceeded to explain that he had stopped me because i was driving on a suspended license.

you can imagine my shock. it's the oldest excuse in the book, but i honestly, truly had no clue that my license had been suspended. it had been under suspension most of last year because of a traffic violation to which i had never responded. because i wasn't driving at that point, i just didn't bother with it. when i bought my car in january, i contacted the police, who referred me to penn-dot (pennsylvania department of transportation, for those out-of-towners who are unfamiliar with the world's most incompetent government agency). penn-dot gave me the information i needed to restore my license: which tickets i needed to pay, restoration fees, etc. i paid the tickets, sent the d-o-t a check, and drove off in my new-to-me sable.

but here was this man, crisp in his uniform, sleep in his eyes, telling me that all that had never really happened.

my dry mouth cracked as i struggled to grasp his words, and he retreated to his car to run my license. as i was sitting there, i went over possible scenarios in my mind: had they not received the check? had they incorrectly advised me? i did everything they said, and still no license? so i assumed i would get a ticket and have to abandon my car. i called my boss, told him i would be late, and began to consider how i would get to work.

after a few moments, the trooper returned and asked me to step out of the car. red flags everywhere. he walked backwards in front of me, guided me around to the back of my vehicle, and asked me to put my hands on my trunk. i had my key in my hand, so i put it in my pocket. he didn't like that very much. he yelled for me to get my hands away from my pockets, grabbed my arm and spun me around, forcing my hands against the cold white metal which enveloped my slowly dying automobile.

"sir, i'm on my way to work", i pleaded. he said everything would be explained in a moment as he slipped a particularly oppressive pair of handcuffs onto my wrists, almost completely cutting off the circulation in my hands. they turned me around to face them, and the first thing they told me was that i was not under arrest. could have fooled me. the officer went on to say that i had five outstanding warrants for parking tickets, all from 2004, and i would need to be brought to the police station to respond to them.

once we arrived at the station, i was remanded into the custody of a constable. i spent the better part of the morning in small, cement cells, waiting to appear before judges in several different district offices across the county. eventually, i was placed in a harness, one of those leather belt things with handcuffs in the front. the next few hours were a blur of signatures, promises to pay this and that, and general demeaning, dehumanizing treatment.

i was stopped, apprehended, thrown into a cell, and forced to make a very embarassing phone call to my boss (not to mention waste a personal day) because of parking tickets. i'm glad the streets are safe from people who can't seem to stay away from fire hydrants or read street cleaning signs. i understand that i didn't take care of my responsibilities, but does irresponsible behavior "warrant" that kind of treatment? what kind of fucked up, fascist police state arrests its citizens for failing to pay a ten dollar parking ticket? i'm definitely not going to murder anyone now (i had been considering it*) if this is how they treat parking violations.

p.s. i still can't feel my thumb. i think it might be dead.

*not really.

asstard of the month: august

2006-08-30T13:38:00.000-04:00

august's asstard in chains, just how i like 'em.

he’s america’s newest sweetheart. not since scott peterson has our increasingly embarrassing mainstream media embraced someone with such fervor, nor have they devoured and spewed information about a single person with such voracious excess.

amidst the great news (great, n. incomprehensibly crappy; depressing) the last full summer month delivered, john mark karr demoted michael jackson as the worlds most fucked up individual by confessing to the murder of jonbenet ramsey. of course, what most of us (or, at least, i) suspected from the beginning of the latest greatest show on earth was confirmed through dna testing: he didn’t do it.

apparently, boulder police were aware of karr’s obsession for some time. a documentary produced years ago by the lead investigator featured a scene where police attempt to contact karr by telephone to no avail. when he was arrested in thailand a few weeks ago, he confessed, revealing that he and jonbenet, and not nicole “i-don’t-eat” kidman and tom “shut-up-and-give-birth-to-my-spawn” cruise were the hottest supercouple of the nineties. they were in love, he says. on the night of her death, he claimed they had engaged in a “romantic and very sexual encounter”, after which he accidentally beat the bejeezus out of her, pulverizing her internal organs, and strangled her until she died. oops.

to hear him speak of the crime, one would come to the conclusion that this man is not only batshit, but also quite proud of it. he seemed to revel in the attention. while on camera, his eyes glazed over and his expression was one of serenity as he basked in the afterglow of fucking the taxpayers of boulder. he virtually stopped short of hiring an agent, requesting that johnny depp play him in a movie about his life. johnny depp has taken on an eclectic assortment of rolls in the course of his career, but this guy just might be too strange, even for him. i can’t speak for johnny, but i would rather have karr piss on my face than be associated with him in such a way.

one can’t completely blame this guy for his behavior, though. he’s obviously not living in the same world as the rest of us. anyone who is turned on by a five year-old’s “hot bellybutton” can not be held responsible for their actions. this is where society should step in, lock him up, and hide the key between saddam’s nukes and pecos bill’s collection of leprechaun semen samples.

personally, i blame the media.

our media: sweet, aren’t they? as the technological hold on the mainstream press advances, it’s becoming apparent that the media obstructs our justice system by over-analyzing and overexposing alleged criminals and giving preference to certain stories while completely ignoring others. when was the last time you saw nancy grace running through the streets with a lynch mob because some little black girl got killed?

the worst of this breed of “journalists” is rita cosby, who routinely serves as puppetmaster to public lynchings so blatant that fox news was effectively transformed into the lacy peterson network for the better part of a year. the man is guilty as hell, but she had him tried and convicted before police had even found the body. she is a sensationalist who engages in irresponsible speculation with seemingly little regard for the way her influence on the american people shapes public opinion. is it still possible at this point to find anyone with little enough exposure to the ramsey case to qualify as a juror? it’s highly doubtful. there is a fairly telling photo circulating online of ms. cosby peering into the window of the cruiser which transported karr to his first court appearance. their gazes are locked, and from the expression on her face, you would have thought she had just walked in on the dead half of the beatles taking turns ass-ramming jerry garcia in her bathroom.

we must, must, must practice restraint when reporting news related to our justice system. there is a reason our citizens are considered innocent until proven guilty. the founders understood that mankind has a history of condemning the innocent, and although the system they devised is far from perfect, it is still among the most humane and reasoned in the world.

so, thank you, john mark karr, august’s asstard of the month. thank you for being the sick, perverted, tax-wasting, kiddie-tittie-fucking whackjob that you are. you have opened many eyes to the consequences of over reporting. cheers.

alcohol + too much free time = this.

2006-08-19T16:52:00.000-04:00

cover your face.

open your eyes.

show him how you feel...

...about the great satan.

jihad

...death to america.

a new fragrance by abdul-samaad versace

songs about bob[ulah].

2006-08-13T15:29:00.000-04:00

another super-cool bob

same drill as on trouble's page: i give you the song title, you give me the artist. good luck!

but first....here are those simply entitled, "bob":

"bob" by ed's redeeming qualities
"bob" by primus
"bob" by weird al yankovic
"bob" by nofx

here we go:

"bob3"
"analog bob"
"song for bob dylan"
"bobby's girl"
"bobby's song"
"run bobby run"
"bobby brown goes to town"
"bobby franks"
"bobby jean"
"bobby know-it-all"
"viva bobby joe"
"me and bobby and bobby's brother"
"me and bobby mcgee"
"bob's crew"
"my friend bob"
"nobody beats my bob"

the best.

2006-08-10T15:40:00.000-04:00

i was thinking of the best (so far) things that have happened to me in my life. then i began to break those things down into different categories. once that was done, i chose best of the best winners. i started making subcategories, and things got hazy after that. so i'm going to keep it simple for you folks. in the grand tradition of stupid myspace bulletins, here are my best. call it the bobcademy awards. the bobscars.

best dinner

the best meal i ever ate was a crab feast at a small joint called "jack's" just outside of fenwick island, delaware. for 25 bucks we got all the crabs, corn on the cob, hush puppies, and coca-cola we could stomach, and it was delicious. it wasn't that the crabs were outstanding. they were pretty average, actually. it was the combination of foods, and in such great excess, that made this meal a memorable one.

best brother battle

my siblings and i had many, many battles over the years, and for the most part successfully hid their full scope from our easily distracted parents. my favorite began in the summer, and didn't completely end until the following spring. on a particularly hot, humid afternoon, i decided to make a pitcher of frozen apple juice. my wheels kicked into motion, and about five minutes later i found myself offering my younger brother a glass of the cool, delicious nectar. as i watched him chug, and subsequently vomit my urine, i felt a warm sense of satisfaction, only peppered with minor feelings of guilt. the next winter, my time had arrived, only this time the trojan horse was a steaming cup of cocoa. my brother had, quite brilliantly, come to the conclusion that urine's yellow tint would leave the cocoa close to its original shade, plus, since both liquids are warm, it was more likely that i would imbibe more of the nasty concotion before realizing what was happening. so, until the next spring, we were tied. i decided to go atomic on our little war, and pissed all over the basement floor. i then summoned my deepest feelings of disgust as i told my dad i'd seen my brother do it. i sat on the basement steps, victorious, as the poor guy got the lecture of a lifetime while cleaning up my piss with an old rag.

best sister battle

when i was a kid, i had a pet mouse named luke. he was the first pet i'd ever had that lived for more than a year. i was extremely proud of this fact, as well as quite emotionally attached to the little rodent. my slightly younger sister, one afternoon, felt it would be prudent to introduce luke to the family airdale terrier, kelly. we'll say they got off to a rocky start, and my little mouse died in my hands minutes later. in the days that followed i pondered, then exacted my revenge. i filled the water dish in the small aquarium that housed my sister's pet tree frog, monkey (i have no idea why), and waiting for the amphibian to die a slow, but streak-free death. when nothing happened after about an hour, i picked the little guy up and gently placed him in the tainted dish. still, nothing happened. apparently, frogs and windex are not a lethal combination. luckily, the marriage of frogs and having their faces shoved under any kind of liquid for a few seconds is quite deadly, and thus monkey perished.

best kiss

the summer of '02 drew to a close, as did the romance that had blossomed between me and the goofy nerd from florida, and we were saying goodbye at sunrise. things had gotten shaky a month before, and we decided to be friends for the remainder of his time here. so there had been no kissing, no touching, for a solid four weeks. he looked at me with his lovely brown eyes, and whispered that he wasn't leaving without a kiss. i hesitated, but it was too late. we were locked into a passionate, desperate kiss that put all others to shame, yet completely broke my heart. as i drove off, i watched him in my mirrors, knowing that i would probably never see him again. this would later prove to be an untrue assumption. we've remained friends for more than four years. my love life has grown more mature and more passionate, but i've never forgotten that kiss.

best sex

i will respect the other participant and only say this: it involved a toilet seat, an unpaid heating bill, and a lot of steam.
note: this is actually the second best sex i've ever had. the actual first best is much too personal to recount. sorry.

best night of drinking

i used to work at a brewpub in lancaster. one sunday night, i was covering the closing bar shift, and by ten p.m. the place was empty. the manager on duty that night had started as a server, so we were all friends with her. we decided it would be a good idea to close down two hours early and get drunk for free. now, there were about four or five of us: the two servers, mark and a.j., my roomate, kate, the manager, brooke, and myself, and together we drank roughly $400 worth of beer, shots, and cocktails. i drank a lot of winter warmer, a dark, thick brew with nearly 10% abv. four pints of that, a flurry of shots, and four hours later we were stealing six-packs and preparing to walk back to my apartment to drink more. needless to say, we were all heavily bombed at this point, so walking and carrying beer was probably not the best idea. we lost quite a few bottles, but no one seemed to care, and we spent the remainder of the night playing asshole and hitting my bong. around 6 a.m. we somehow managed to drive to columbia diner for the greasiest meal any of us had ever eaten. we were all in bed by 7:30, and back at work the next day by 11.

tell me yours, or come up with some new categories. everyone who responds will get a virtual gold star.

retrospect killed the progressive star.

2006-08-10T11:55:00.000-04:00

it's been a big week for the "told you so" crowd. i've said before that knowing too much can lead to apathy, and it's never been more true than it is right now. the war rages on indefinitely, things in the middle east are falling apart, the value of the dollar is plummeting, the treasury is being systematically raped, yet americans still have their heads up their respective asses over gay marriage, immigration, and joe lieberman's majestic fall from grace. personally, i'm looking forward to kicking back and watching our once-great nation crumble before my sweet brown eyes. o'reilly, this isn't because i hate america; i have great admiration and respect for those who dreamed this crazy shit into existence in the first place. i just hate what industry has done to it and its people. it's as if we know our time as a nation is winding down, and we're trying desperately to hold onto any glimmer of a life we once knew, where girls were girls and men were men. but mister, could we really use a man like herbert hoover again?

at first glance, the '40s and '50s were pretty great. the big war was over, everyone was getting laid, dames and dollars were at an all-time high, and the 'american dream' was born. but let's look at things objectively. while we were polishing our kenmore appliances in pearls and heels, most people in hiroshima and nagasaki were still trying to get the plutonium stains out of their carpet. this "golden age" was ushered in by unprecedented death and destruction. so, the pile of horse shit in the road has a flower growing in it. you still going to stop and fucking smell it?

by this time we had long replaced the state-sanctioned enslavement of blacks with the status-quo servitude of women. imagine a time where individual human beings--people with minds and hearts and thoughts and emotions--were conditioned to believe that their only worth lied in their inferiority and loyalty to other people. every decision, from what to make for dinner, to what polka-dots to wear while vaccuming the rug, was made to please, satisfy, or at least orchestrated so as not to disturb, their male counterparts. so, a woman stays home all day, cooks, cleans, deals with all the shit the children do, all so a man can come home, sit on his ass, drink six martinis, and pass out in his fucking chair? sweet deal for the guy, but how come? because he has a job? imagine how pissed women must have been when they finally entered the workforce and realized that they'd been duped into man-worship for a couple of centuries. housework has always been much harder.

and this only covers white people, the folks who supposedly had it best during this era. being black in the fifties is probably comparable to being jewish in lebanon right now. separate drinking fountains, bathrooms, schools, bus seating, and (in some places) sidewalks. sidewalks. this is a bruise on the american psyche which speaks for itself. granted, rosa parks wasn't a suicide bomber, but still.

politicians like to appeal to older or more conservative voters by invoking images of the nuclear family, carefree, skipping into the sunset. but once that sun went down, what was left was a lot of injustice, inequality, and general ugliness. we started cleaning up the whole mess in the 60s, but there's still a long way to go. with all of its problems, i still prefer 21st century life, although some evil has been replaced by new evil (in the 50s, if you were black, the government simply ignored you. now, they leave you to die --katrina). how good can a country be when its quality of life is better for some citizens than others? you can't hit the breaks, you can't go back, and honestly, we don't want to. so stop trying.

blocked.

2006-08-10T08:52:00.000-04:00

i have nothing to say. i am uninspired, random, and dull. so, here's some t.v. trivia.

take the line from the t.v. theme song and tell me the name of the show. i'm so sorry about this.

1) "if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me"

2) "new york is where i'd rather stay, i get allergic smelling hay"

3) "you burned your breakfast. so far, things are going great."

4) "why do we always come here? i guess we’ll never know. it’s like a kind of torture to have to watch the show."

5) "whatever happened to predictability? the milkman, the paperboy, the evening t.v.?"

6) "it's a rare condition, in this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper page."

7) "boy the way glenn miller played, songs that made the hit parade, guys like us we had it made"

8) "best notify my next of kin, this wheel shall explode"

9) "oh we spend our days like bright and shiny new dimes. if we’re ever puzzled by the changing times."

10) "fish don’t fry in the kitchen; beans don’t burn on the grill."

updates and such.

2006-08-03T09:29:00.000-04:00

i realized today that i've been blogging like a fiend lately, but i've drifted away from insights into the life of moi (as if anyone in the blogosphere cares). for my close, personal friends, however, here is what is going on in bobby's world:

1) i made the difficult decision to end my friendship with my ex, charlie, for now at least. we have plans to hit hersheypark tomorrow with his son, so we decided this would be the last time we see each other for a while. the idea of not talking to him every day and seeing him is about as pleasant as internal bleeding but, as i told him, it's not healthy for me to be his friend right now. when you love someone who used to love you and doesn't anymore (as unfathomable as that may be) you try to hold onto any shred of hope that his feelings will change. having, through him, confirmed that i am indeed not devoid of human emotion, and that i really can love someone in a real way (as opposed to the fairy tale love to which i once aspired), i'm aching to experience it with someone who feels the same way. knowing myself, this is the only way to move on. keeping up the friendship would be like picking a scab and wondering why the wound won't heal. that's a lot of blood references. quite fitting.

2) my new position at the newspaper is exhausting. i'm here six days a week, i'm getting little sleep, and i work weekends. but i'm making money and i feel like a grownup, both pluses. on the downside, i got in trouble for being three minutes late last week. i'm used to being in a private office with two other like-minded people, strolling in at 8:45 every morning to zero grief. plus, i miss the fish. one is named after me, mr. bobbles. he's mr. bubbles' twin brother. i don't think my plant, elliott, likes it here, either. i water him plenty, and he gets ample light--more so than before--but he's slowly drooping and turning brown and yellow. yesterday, he lost a leaf. in addition to the "change factor" there's a lot of math involved in my work (those of you who know me just groaned in sympathy). don't misunderstand, i enjoy my job. it's challenging, the people are nice, and i'm able to flex my brain in areas that i hadn't with previous positions. but i'm thinking: two years, tops.

3) my baby sister had her first gay bar experience tuesday. she joined kmoney, who was in lancaster during the week (a happening worthy of a parade), trouble and two of her friends, and charlie. of this momentous occasion, she remarked, "i like it here. i don't have to worry about guys hitting on me." a slow night for me, i replied, "apparently, neither do i." i did eventually get a phone number, and a really hot, albeit brief, makeout session in the bathroom towards the end of the evening (with the same person, dirty minds).

4) i've developed a mild case of insomnia. i sleep, but it's usually not until 2 or 3 a.m. i would cite my years in foodservice with its odd hours and late nights as the reason for my restlessness, but this is a more recent problem. in any case, i've discovered the remedy: 2 shots of nyquil. i'm skeptical of its healing powers in terms of illness, but it certainly cures consciousness.

ok, so there's not a lot going on. i'd better get back to writing about abortion and obnoxious game show contestants before someone dubs me "the new nyquil".

sir bounce-a-lot.

2006-08-02T10:40:00.000-04:00

"our" karaoke bar has a bouncer. you'll find her at the bottom of the stairs at the three crowns dungeon lounge. we're regulars, so she'll give us hugs and then take our $2. it feels like we pay for hugs. don't get me started on the fact that i have to pay a cover to get into a carpeted bar in the basement of a hotel frequented by at least three guys named "snake". my late aunt helen used to drink at this dive in the fifties, and i'm pretty sure they had the same chairs. and just the fact that the bouncer is female-- a burly, imposing female, but a female-- should indicate that this is not the most happening place in town. then again, the most happening place in town has the original disco floor (which still lights up) that was installed when it opened in the late-seventies, not to mention a notorious ghetto meat market reputation. doesn't anyone in this place redecorate?

so, we're patiently waiting our turns to sing one night, when troub-a-dub-dub mentions that one of the guys with a link on her blog has been reading my ramblings and is quite amused. i'm pretty new at this blogging thing, so this revelation floored me. this guy has a book deal! and he reads my blog! and he likes it! it's kind of like being an up-and-coming actor and finding out al pacino really admires your work. so, wasting no time, i checked out his skills as soon as i got home that night, and they are plentiful. i laughed so hard i think i need a new bladder. ten things not to do when you get thrown out of a club is the blog entry equivelant of anna karenina. ok, the drama queen in me is starting to seep through, but he's really, really funny nonetheless. so to the three of you reading this right now, please do yourselves a favor and click here.

adopt-a-fuck

2006-07-31T12:31:00.000-04:00

all right, i'm way behind the times, but i stumbled upon this juicy piece of shit today during a routine search for signs of human life on the blogs. last march, rep. debra maggart, a republican (shocker) from tennessee (well, bless my soul), stated that she believes that homosexuals adopt children for the sole purpose of molesting them. while it staggers me that, in this day and age, someone could still maintain such a profound level of ignorance of how the gays work, i think she may be onto something. it's really not a bad idea.

think about it.

1) no more working the bar circuit to get laid.

2) after your finished, just chain him back up and have a sandwich.

3) depending on the age of the adopted child, he will remain lithe and completely smooth for approximately ten years.

4) they're virgins when you get them.

5) when he's older, you can rent him out.

not a bad deal. thanks for the tip, deb. but in all seriousness, how stupid is this woman? "we also have seen evidence that homosexual couples prey on young males and have, in some instances, adopted them in order to have unfretted access to subject them to a life of molestation and sexual abuse".

moment of silence.

first of all, in most states, adoption by homosexuals is illegal, so there could not possibly be any studies which support this claim. to be fair, i'm sure there have been instances where children have been adopted to serve as sex slaves. but is this a homosexual-exclusive problem? i doubt it. secondly, pedophilia is a mental disorder that causes behavior which is little more than an extreme power grab. actual scientific studies conducted by smart people in white coats (as opposed to stupid people in red pant suits) show that in roughly 98% of all cases, male child molesters who are heterosexual molest young males. can you see where i'm going with this? yes, there are similar statistics for homosexual males molesting young girls. it's simply not about sex. this woman obviously equates the concept of alternate sexuality with other sexual deviation, such as pedophilia, child porn, bestiality, and good old-fashioned hardcore s+m. nothing could be farther from the truth.

she then goes on to assert that gays and lesbians are unfit to parent because they have “numerous emotional dysfunctions and psychological issues.” well, that's true. gays and lesbians are nuts. you'd have to be to risk your relationships with your family, friends, teachers, co-workers, and society at large to even consider stepping out of the closet with assholes like senator hitler running around spouting venomous lies about "your kind".

everyone has a right to hold and voice their opinions. that's the beauty of america. but we as a nation are fairly divided when it comes to the nature of homosexuality. is it a choice? are you born that way? is it environmental. i'm gay, and i don't have a clue why. i just know that i can't change it, and no amount of legislation is going to make it go away. trust me.

in the meantime, i live in rural pennsylvania and we could definitely use some restrictions on how many children the amish are permitted to breed. the amish family consists of six, ten, sometimes as many as fifteen children, all born to help on the farm. i coordinate the obituary page for the local newspaper, and a significant number of child deaths (at least 80%) are amish kids killed in farming accidents. why are five year-olds driving threshers and combines? if deb wants to protect children, that would be a great place to start.

skinny sex.

2006-07-29T16:48:00.000-04:00

disclaimer: this entry in no way intends to infringe upon copyrights held by mo'nique or her subsidiaries (krispy kreme; dominoes) in reference to her hilarious rant entitled, 'skinny bitches'.

"hey, big boy..."

my friends and i have a lot of interesting conversations, many of which are not suitable for sensitive ears. last night, after another shot slammin' round of karaoke at the three crowns lounge (the place in lancaster for cheap beer, bad karaoke, and to more accurately demonstrate how cool you are not) we made our weekly sojourn to eatnpark. three trips to the buffet later, a high school friend of my sister's appeared over the buckets of powdered eggs and stale french toast, and i called her over to chat. we shot the proverbial shit for a few moments and said goodbye, promises to say hello to various mutual friends/relatives fresh on our lips. now, this girl is skinny. not fashion magazine skinny. skinny.

because we're all sex-starved karaoke freaks (well, except for trouble, the only one among us with another half) we tend to inject coitus into any subject that arises. thus, we proceeded to surpass our most vile, insane topics by discussing, at length, skinny sex.

before i give a detailed account of the dispicable things that fled from our tongues in the fifteen or so minutes that followed, i must explain what i mean by "conversation". it generally goes like this: someone lights the flame, we all laugh, and you can practically hear the wheels turning and grinding in our heads. sometimes, you can see sparks. what follows is not a structured discussion, but more a series of comments in a game we unofficially call "who can be more innapropriate".

back to the skinny sex. there's really no other way to do this but to list a few quotes, then run and hide.

"excuse me, could you spread your legs a little more, you're crushing my penis".

"her clitoris must be like a thumbtack".

"i don't know whether to fuck you or send you as little as 17 cents per day".

many, many other truly awful comments followed in what was an all-out, champion comment olympics, towards the end of which i grabbed a knife and a fork and, banging them together, exclaimed, "this must be what it sounds like."

ok, we're assholes. some people truly can't help being thin. and i'm sure some people could harbor an intense sexual desire for skinny folks. i'm not talking about anoriexia, either. those people could be fucked for all i care. there are millions of people on this planet without enough food. eat something, you spoiled, vain, self-centered bitch. but to those who eat, and eat, and work their asses off at the gym, and still can't gain an ounce, please forgive us for our beer buzzes. they know not, and rarely remember, what they do.

asstard of the month: july.

2006-07-26T11:00:00.000-04:00

july's asstard with his wife, alex trebek

as much as i try to shy away from any structure concerning this space, i read ken jennings' "letter" to jeopardy and his asinine ramblings inspired what will (hopefully, despite add) be the opportunity to shine the spotlight on one of the many asstards that devour media space throughout each month. shouldn't be hard; online news sources are a virtual buffet of dumb, dumb people saying and doing dumb, dumb things. hell, as long as o'reilly's on the air, my job will pretty much be done for me.

last week, ken jennings, jeopardy's longest-running champion (74 appearances; $2.5 million) posted a letter to the show on his private blog. the overall tone is sarcastic, dry, and basically comes across as an inside joke for those who watch the show. there are two problems with this: 1) the only people who would know what he's talking about are so old and doped up on medication that they wouldn't know a computer if someone tried to insert one into their anus; and 2) nobody really cares. his fifteen minutes expired two years ago, and now we're supposed to be amused by/interested in his inane insights into the world of jeopardy? sorry. you're just not funny.

example: he comments on the show's artistic direction, which hasn't changed in nearly 20 years: the electric blue background, the same square clue board, the mechanical host. that's all fine, but he taps the price is right for examples of how things could be improved. excuse me, mr. ken, but have you even seen the price is right? it's the same set, same games, same music, same host, same nubile blonds flailing their arms about the same cherry armoirs and refrigerators for going on 30 years now. to clarify, i am not chastising price for this. that's the beauty of the show; it's the same one your parents watched when they were home sick from school. it's tradition, comfort, and while change is good, some things should stay the same.

i could take most of what mr. ken said with a nice, big, artery-clogging grain of salt, but something he said struck a nerve with me. for the most part, the letter is fluff and empty complaints meant to be satire. but he ventures to suggest that jeopardy should update its categories with things that americans really care about, such as playstation, men's magazines (porn???), and fast food. i don't believe that americans only care about these things, and to suggest otherwise and feed that negative stereotype is disgusting. i agree that most americans do not spend a significant amount of time discussing the societal implications of the fall of communism or even much of what is going on right now, but let's give ourselves a little more credit. intellectualism may be dead, but some of us still care about art, music, culture, and all the other things you used to find on bravo. if you want asinine trivia about britney spears and video games, watch vh1. we need jeopardy, just the way it is, so that the last few intellectuals among us can at least pretend that topics of substance are still cool.

so mr. ken, you are our first asstard of the month, if for no other reason than the fact that you've stooped to bite the hand that feeds you. you haven't caused any major damage, society is still in tact (relatively speaking), but you've pissed on what remains of your public image. sure, you could view the letter as satire, in which case one might describe it as trite and extraneous. if you take it seriously, then it's an outrageous assault on american intelligence. it's a good thing you have money, ken. it should provide some comfort as you wade through a sea of people who either consider you a pointless fool or a loathesome cumbucket.

worst survey ever.

2006-07-21T16:27:00.000-04:00

take this. it will make your eyes melt.

1) how many times a month do you cut your fingernails/toenails?

2) how sexy is president bush, scale of 1-10?

3) if you had five minutes alone with lauren bacall, what would you say to her?

4) if kmoney were a fruit, what kind of fruit would he be?

5) if i held up three fingers, added two, removed three, added one, and removed two, then would you have sex with me?

6) what are you looking at?

7) would you have sex with saddam hussein?

8) tell me what your reaction would be to this hypothetical scenario: you die; i get all your money.

9) do you like me? check one: __yes __no

10) what drug am i on right now?

you guys are lame.

2006-07-20T09:52:00.000-04:00

you suck.

freakin party poopers. this was an open note quiz. research. revel in the hunt. but, noooooo. y'all wanna be losers and give up without trying. harumph. here are the answers, freaks.

part one: fill in the blanks.

1) primal scream
2) 1976
3) o
4) joni mitchell, 1980
5) black sabbath
6) the royal scam
7) 1994
8) skynyrd’s innyrds
9) cyndi lauper
10) michael jackson, 1997

part two: artist, album, song title, year.

1) dixie chicks, home, travelin soldier, 2002
2) alicia keys, diary of alicia keys, karma, 2003
3) jewel, spirit, deep water, 1998
4) beatles, beatles for sale, mr. moonlight, 1964
5) ramones, road to ruin, pins and needles, 1978
6) stevie nicks, bella donna, think about it, 1981
7) tears for fears, the hurting, mad world, 1983 or gary jules, trading snakeoil for wolftickets, mad world, 2004, or gary jules, donnie darko soundtrack, mad world, 2001
8) audioslave, out of exile, be yourself, 2005
9) sheryl crow, globe session, anything but down, 1998
10) smashing pumpkins, machina/the machines of god, try, try, try, 2000

why it's ok to kill babies.

2006-07-19T16:35:00.001-04:00

this week, a group of activists began an agressive anti-choice advertising campaign in our fair hamlet. they've rented advertising space on billboards, buses, and are making the rounds downtown in large utility trucks displaying large photos of blood-soaked aborted fetuses. underneath the picture is simply the word "choice". it's disturbing, and it's everywhere you look.

it's a powerful message. and ballsy. call yourselves pro-life, not because you are (see war, famine, abstinence education) but because it implies that the other guys aren't. then show everyone the ugly side of abortion. well, isn't there an ugly side to everything, even romance? most people aren't against open heart surgery, but that doesn't mean we want to watch one go by while we're outside eating sesame chicken on a beautiful summer's day. what these people don't understand is that when it comes to abortion, it is all linked to your perspective. you can't change people's world view, thus, you can't change people's minds about abortion. i, for one, am an atheist. i consider humans, apes, and insects to be equal creatures of different levels of intelligence. therefore, i do not accept the notion that human life is more sacred than, say, ann coulter's.

what sets things apart, however, is the emotional impact. take puppies for example. you buy a puppy when it is very young, nurture it, watch it grow, and then it dies. for some people (a lot of people) the emotional impact of the death of a pet can be devastating. but no one has a problem with canine abortions. nobody talks about the sanctity of the lives of pooches. and when someone you don't know dies, what do you feel? it's ok, you can admit it. nothing. zip. zilch. maybe a bit of sympathy for those dealing with the loss, but that's it. does that mean that person's life is less sacred than your mother's? nope.

the point: a person is only a person when they have interacted with other people and had some kind of impact on the lives of others. granted, one might say that when a woman becomes pregnant, a bond is immediately established between her and her unborn child. there are, however, many women for whom this is not the case. they are not cold, unfeeling bitches, they just are lacking whatever it is that makes someone maternal. these women should have abortions.

if we start forcing women who should not become parents to endure pregnancy (furthering her resentment of her impending motherhood, and by extension, the child) the result will be incredibly fucked up kids who will most likely grow to become gangsters, murderers, or at least generally horrible people, thus having a negative impact on the lives around them. we terminated 40 million pregnancies last year and we still can't feed everyone on the planet. children are being abandoned, killed and thrown into dumpsters, abused, and all the while our president is telling us to just not have sex. shyeah.

all these activist have succeeded in doing is moving my lunch break from the fountain in penn square to my desk. i've seen the horrors, and i still choose choice.

i just don't want to see it.

raise white glove, slap, repeat...

2006-07-17T13:00:00.000-04:00

i accept your challenge kmoney.

here is how it works: this is in two parts. the first ten questions will be fill-in-the-blanks. the categories are artist, album title, and year. one or more of these categories will be blank. that's where you come in. example: bjork, ________, 1993. the answer is: debut.

the second part is more difficult. i will display a song lyric, and you must name the artist, album title, song title, and year (in that order, please, to avoid confusion). example: "how can i go home with nothing to say?/i know you're going to look at me that way". then answer is ani difranco, out of range, you had time, 1994.

good luck! (you'll need it)

part one.

1) __________, screamadelica, 1991

2) songs in the key of life, stevie wonder, ________

3) damien rice, _________, 2003

4) __________, shadows and light, _________

5) __________, Vol. 4, 1972

6) steely dan, ___________, 1976

7) radiohead, my iron lung, ___________

8) lynyrd skynyrd, _____________, 1989

9) ____________, a night to remember, 1989

10) ___________, blood on the dance floor, __________

part two.

1) "crying all alone under the stands/was a piccolo player in the marching band/and one name read and nobody really cared/but a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair".

2) "and when you came home you'd always have some sorry excuse/half explaining to me like i'm just some kind of a fool"

3) "and you try to find yourself/in the abstractions of religion/and the cruelty of everyone else"

4) "and from the world you sent my girl/and from above you sent us love/and now she is mine"

5) "i saw her today, i saw her face/it was the face of love, and i knew i had to run away"

6) "even when you feel like your life is fading/i know that you'll go on forever/you're that good"

7) "children waiting for the day they feel good/happy birthday, happy birthday"

8) "someone finds salvation in everyone/and another only pain"

9) "you are a raging sea/i pull myself out everyday/i plea insanity/cause i can't leave but i can't stay"

10) "down in the heat/and the summer rain/of the automatic gauze of your memories"

one...two...one, two, three, four.

2006-07-16T11:35:00.000-04:00

da answers.

1) sweet transvestite
2) crazy little thing called love
3) basketcase
4) if i ain't got you
5) hit me, baby, one more time
6) like a virgin
7) trouble
8) breathe
9) smells like teen spirit
10) magic stick
11) comfortably numb
12) wild horses
13) who will save your soul
14) sweat
15) who let the dogs out
16) whip it
17) people
18) fever
19) spinning wheel
20) creep

three little words.

2006-07-15T16:24:00.000-04:00

we met in a cloud
and called ourselves lovers
it beat down on our heads
like rain
our mistakes were like valentines
committed out of love
we threw fear onto the flame
it exploded
and i lost you

i miss it, you said
in the middle of the night
then you couldn't decide
what you meant
with your head on my chest
and my heart pounding through it
up from your mouth these words went:
i miss it

the clarity of friendship
has opened my eyes
you are kind
much more so than i
the rain no longer falls
and the cloud has lifted
but these valentines, these mistakes
have ripped me from your heart
and it's too late to say why
i miss it, too

you against the music.

2006-07-15T15:56:00.000-04:00

can you guess all of these song titles based on their cryptic descriptions? bet not? give it a shot.

1) saccharine cross-dresser
2) insane small object entitled affection
3) wicker flower holder clothes bag
4) under the circumstances that my person does not possess your person
5) strike, infant, once again
6) as one whose hymen is still intact
7) problems
8) inhale oxygen into lungs
9) scented of post-childhood semen
10) supernatural fallice
11) satisfyingly unfeeling
12) uncontrollable equines
13) which person will rescue your afterlife
14) release liquid from your pores
15) which person released the canines
16) strike this with a leather string
17) persons
18) elevated temperature
19) turning circle
20) sneak

there's only 20, you should be able to decipher at least 15. if not, you stupid. also, if anyone wants to add a few, please do so. i'd like to be challenged as well.

lights...camera...answers.

2006-07-15T15:48:00.000-04:00

here they are, folks, the answers to the movie word game. coming soon--music.

1) star wars
2) apocalypse now
3) good burger
4) happy gilmore
5) the french lieutenant's woman
6) star trek
7) the poseidon adventure
8) the green mile
9) spinal tap
10) the aviator
11) ace ventura
12) splash
13) legends of the fall
14) dirty dancing
15) an officer and a gentleman
16) three men and a baby
17) bewitched
18) cars
19) pirates of the caribbean
20) the net, or, hook
21) 12 monkeys
22) dune
23) lord of the rings
24) american graffitti
25) galaxy quest
26) pretty woman, or, babe
27) se7en
28) x-men
29) harry potter
30) robocop
31) speed
32) the hunt for red october
33) all the president's men
34) mystery men
35) the incredibles
36) napolean dynamite
37) twister
38) a bug's life

one night only, israel vs. "palestine"

2006-07-15T10:55:00.001-04:00

if you have any confusion about the whole israeli/arab situation, check out this clear, concise account of what really happened, and what should be done about it. go trouble

time.

2006-07-15T10:41:00.000-04:00

i believe what i see
and i don't see anything
worth looking twice
it's all nice
but i need more than that
i need
heartpounding sex
time to reflect
on whatever's next
i need more room to flex
i need music and love
tv and drugs
you showed me your stuff
and it's still not enough

but i would have loved you
if you'd really been with me
you loved the shaggy, stoned stranger
in my blue jeans
i really would have loved you
if you'd made a little time with me
but time is never free

around the corner
from your place
my first step alone
out into outer space
and i thought all along
that if i was wrong
i'd turn around again
so i must be right
no fights left to fight
no stopping what stops you first
stop at the light
let my windows roll down
breathe some life in this town
here's my second chance

i would have loved you
if you'd really been with me
but you loved the shaggy, stoned stranger
in my blue jeans
i really would have loved you
if you'd made a little time with me
but time is never free

i walked alone for a while
put on my strongest smile
showed the world my best
i haven't cried in a year
so what i am doing here
tears falling on your chest?

i would have loved you
if you'd really been with me
but you loved the shaggy, stoned stranger
in my blue jeans
i really would have loved you
if you'd made a little time with me
but time is never free

something completely unrelated to anything of importance.

2006-07-13T15:20:00.000-04:00

action!

these are movie names, cleverly hidden by way of thesaurus or just good old-fashioned creativity, created by my lovely co-worker, Elizabeth A.B.C.D.E.F. Goss. i got 27/38. i'll post the answers later.

1) celestial body altercation
2) cataclysm immediate
3) well-behaved circular meat
4) pleased fish breathing organs larger amount
5) parisian military rank female
6) burning orb long walk
7) sea god most excellent event
8) chartreuse 5,280 feet
9) backbone beer spigot
10) pilot
11) top card california highway
12) water from a big dive
13) folk tales from just before winter
14) messy waltz
15) a cop and an upstanding guy
16) male trio and an infant
17) hornet warlocked
18) vehicles
19) unemployed treasure seekers in St. Maarten
20) a fish catcher
21) a dozen orangutans
22) jockey's ridge attraction
23) duke of the jewelry
24) indiscernible wall scribbles in the u.s.
25) search for an open space
26) hot female
27) one dozen minus five
28) males of one chromosome
29) harold the ceramic maker
30) cyberfuzz
31) amphetamines
32) look for the crimson span of 31 days
33) every one of bush's guys
34) guys of intrigue
35) amazings
36) dictator tnt
37) pretzel maker
38) grasshopper birth to death

how did you do? think you can beat 27??? doubt it, fool.

why karaoke is better than sex.

2006-07-13T15:03:00.000-04:00

it's a bold statement, i know, and not one i necessarily agree with. ok i passionately disagree with the notion that karaoke is better than sex. enjoy, anyway.

10) you're always sure to find someone worse than you.
9) you don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing karaoke with you.
8) it's ok to have multiple partners.
7) its ok to sing karaoke with your sister.
6) you never have to worry about forgetting your lines.
5) it's ok to drink too much and sing karaoke.
4) no one will complain about the size of your microphone.
3) it's ok to sing karaoke in front of your neighbors.
2) you'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing karaoke.

and the number one reason is:

no one complains about a three-minute karaoke performance.

going to the chapel?

2006-07-12T18:37:00.000-04:00

i'm not sure if i am going to get married. for most of my life, even post-closet exodus, i assumed i would get married someday, whether it was legal or not. of course it's not about the piece of paper or the legal recognition, but i always thought i would have a ceremony. a party. something.

while swimming in the notion that the cool, barefoot wedding on the beach might never happen, i started to think about my vows, and wondered what they would be. that got me thinking about old boyfriends. if i had ended up with any of these gentlemen, what would we have said to each other? what would the vows have been like in, say, a devin and bob wedding? probably a lot about drinking. and back hair. and his ex, because that's all we ever talked about.

my vows to kevin would be about mixed signals and, again, alcohol. brian would be about sex and...i can't say it again. i noticed then that most of my exes would have fairly negative reviews had there been a wedding. except one.

this would be my vow to him:

for all of my life i've been looking for some way to express every bit of passion that i feel for life. i write, i sing, but never has my passion been better expressed than with you. through us, i love with more certainty, breath more clearly, and live more fully. i will spend every day using that passion to love you and i will never leave you, not for anything. i will always be on your side, whether you are right or wrong, but i will also tell you when you're wrong. i will be yours until the breath leaves my body and the warmth escapes my skin, and i pass to the next world, whatever that may be. yours.

one eye closed.

2006-07-11T09:55:00.000-04:00

if i hadn't thought of what to say
what would have happened now?
would you be standing here
in front of me tonight?

if i'd know it'd be this easy
i'd have done it days ago
but i just wanted to be sure
i'd say it right

in you i found the answers that i needed
to every question i'd ever had
sometimes it's easier to see
with one eye closed
but maybe it's not that bad

one step over the ocean
one step over the sky
that's where i'd take us
if i had a little money

so we'll just sit on my front porch
and see what we can see
a tree that's planted next to lovers
also known as you and me

in you i found the answers that i needed
to every question i'd ever had
sometimes it's easier to see
with one eye closed
but maybe it's not that bad

there was a time way back when
when i thought i'd never see my home again
and i'd wasted too much time
trying to work it out

when i finally came back i went to the place
that had seen our very last kiss
and i knew i'd get you back again somehow

so maybe i made a mistake
but my eyes are wide open now

in you i found the answers that i needed
to every question i'd ever had
sometimes it's easier to see
with one eye closed
but maybe it's not that bad

a purple apartment remembered.

2006-07-10T15:29:00.000-04:00

my best friend and her wonderful husband recently purchased their first home. this three-bedroom dwelling boasts a two car garage, lovely backyard, and exposed toilet in the basement. (seriously, it's right there against the wall by the washer and dryer, installed by a father with a wife and three daughters who was tired of waiting in line to pee.)

as happy as i am for these crazy cats, i can't help but feel a twinge of sadness that they'll be leaving their apartment. as crowded and damp as it was, it holds many, many memories of long conversations in "alternate states". if its purple, sponge-painted walls could talk, well, they would probably call the police. but they would also tell a tale of nearly three years of drinking, smoking, and laughter.

this is where we sat for three hours deciding where to go on "lore's birthday roadtrip". we eventually decided on ocean city, n.j. we arrived at ten p.m., fought the entire time, and i broke their laptop (i have since been reprieved of responsibility) but there were a few fun moments sprinkled throughout this very, very long weekend.

this is where we spent two new year's eves. the first was one of the last times the entire cracker barrel crew was together. tom, t.j., rose, lore, nate, me--i have a long history of crappy new years, and this is the night that broke the curse. well, i did spill an ashtray on their couch. there are hilarious pictures of me trying to clean it up, wasted out of my skull.

this is where i spent every weekend after charlie and i split, drinking bottle after bottle of jack daniels and mooching bong hits while bathing in nostalgia and nursing my broken heart. a few months of this proved to be extraneous, and we started to make each other's skin crawl, but these people, and this place, helped me through one of the hardest times of my life.

and what can i say about the smoke room? before nate and lore succumbed to convenience, we were all required to smoke in a 5x5' closet next to the bathroom. there was a tiny desk which held a laptop for entertainment, a poster of dave matthews, a blacklight, a small oval rug, and a few pillows. we fit eleven people in that room once.

the furniture was worn, it smelled like weed and cigarettes, there were computer cords and random dissected machines strewn throughout the living room, and the bathroom door didn't close completely, but for nearly three years, it was my home away from home. goodbye, purple walls. goodbye gravity bong. goodbye to each and every stain i made. it is the end of an era.

the ten commandments of karaoke.

2006-07-09T16:00:00.000-04:00

i'm pretty sure we've broken all of these.

1) thou shalt not jeer, heckle, boo, or otherwise interrupt a singer.

2) thou shalt not swing the microphone, dance with the mike stand, or get too drunk to handle yourself.

3) thou shalt not complain about when your next turn is.

4) thou shalt not get upset when another patron sings a song you were planning to sing.

5) thou shalt not use foul language at the mike.

6) thou shalt not drink or smoke near the equipment.

7) thou shalt not sing louder than the performer or join the performer on stage unless invited.

8) thou shalt not walk in front of or block the singers view of the screen.

9) thou shalt not carry on loud conversation near the stage.

10) thou shalt applaud!

why i don't use caps.

2006-07-08T17:00:00.000-04:00

lots of people do it for a lot of different reasons, some more pretentious than others, but i, as i am sure you have noticed, do not use capital letters in non-professional settings.

is it because i'm trying to be artsy? no, because it's not that creative. original? if i wanted to be original, i would commit suicide by jumping onto a building. rebellious? i've done more rebellious things. why step backward? am i too good for caps? yes, but that's not why. am i just a smartass, trying to annoy people and make things difficult to read? yes, but still not the reason. so why is it that i choose not to use caps?

laziness.

moral: the simplest answers are usually correct.

suck it, letterman.

2006-07-06T13:49:00.000-04:00

my top tens on various subjects: (disclaimer: not listed in order of favor)

tv shows

1) friends
2) six feet under
3) american idol
4) sex and the city
5) house
6) days of our lives
7) daily show
8) golden girls
9) countdown with keith olberman
10) real time with bill maher

movies

1) eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
2) wishful thinking
3) election
4) waiting
5) rocky horror picture show
6) mean girls
7) godfather
8) hedwig and the angry inch
9) the truman show
10) donnie darko

albums (this changes frequently)

1) waiting for my rocket to come- jason mraz
2) twentysomething- jamie cullum
3) out of range- ani difranco
4) nevermind- nirvana
5) reveling/reckoning- ani difranco
6) i've got my own hell to raise- bettye lavette
7) keep it together- guster
8) good news for people who love bad news- modest mouse
9) parade (soundtrack)- jason robert brown
10) diary of alicia keys- alicia keys

comedians

1) george carlin
2) margaret cho
3) tony woods
4) bob saget
5) wanda sykes
6) bill maher
7) lewis black
8) rita rudner
9) paula poundstone
10) mitch hedburg

a year in the life.

2006-07-06T13:28:00.000-04:00

i recently had my one year anniversary at my job. i took a moment today to reflect on the events of my life during the past year.

started driving again
cut way back on the pot
fell in love
left foodservice
moved in with my family
ran my first 5k
had my heart broken, twice (same guy)
decided not to have kids
got promoted
developed a serious karaoke addiction
decided to become a writer
went broke
reconnected with old friends from high school
did my first musical in seven years
saw ani in concert
accidentally smoked crystal meth (oops)
realized i actually don't want to stay in lancaster forever

and the most significant development: chilled the fuck out! something snapped when i turned 25. i adopted the attitude that life is too short to worry and obsess over. men are too fickle to worry and obsess over. i've found more balance in doing things for the right reasons. i've learned to follow my heart and use my head as a filter, not vice versa.

what did you learn this year?

dumb bitches.

2006-07-03T01:10:00.000-04:00

i just have to take a moment here to vent about my least favorite breed of the female species: the dumb bitch. dumb bitches are usually of above average attractiveness, below average intelligence, and i'm not sure about large cities, but they are quite plentiful here in my little suburban haven. they are also hard to define, so watch for these signs:

1) any girl who allows her right turn signal to flash for two miles or longer and then, finally, turns left.

2) any girl at a bar or club who has had about eight drinks too many and goes home with the first guy who is smart enough to act like they don't want it. (someone, somewhere, let it slip that all guys really want is sex, which is true, but these "ladies" actually expect these clever chaps to call them the next day? yeah, right. why buy the dumb bitch, when you can get it for free?)

3) any girl who, while talking to their fellow dumb bitches, utters the phrase "he's just scared" when talking about their marginally comitted "boyfriend". he's not scared. he's amused.

4) any girl who truly believes that everyone wants to see the area between her ass crack and belly button. there's a reason they have britney spears frozen in celluloid. she doesn't belong in real life. put the rest of your fucking shirt on.

5) any girl.

you see, ladies, if you dress like the last whore in the alley at 3 a.m., that's all people will think of you. you can't get mad that people don't notice your other qualities while you're shoving your breasts in their face. that's like painting your whole house magenta and then saying, "you haven't mentioned the garden!" wake up, dumb bitches, have some self-respect, and stop giving it away. oh, and hire drivers. you're dangerous.

p.s. this does not in any way include trouble or lore. i've managed to become good friends with not one, but two, intelligent, grounded, and lovely women of reason.

i can live.

2006-06-30T14:45:00.000-04:00

i woke into a panic state
when i thought the time
had passed for me
and he walked into a solid room
said, excuse me sir
then he asked for me
and i wept

he turned his head and saw me there
i looked away
then he came by and shared
a smile that made me wish
that i was dead
then a quiet calm came over my head

the same day that your heart went numb
i decided to be free
so i took a bus to where i was
before you took hold of me
and i left

i didn't choose it
why can't i lose it
take it away.

but i came back and took my place
beside you and held on for two
and nothing i said seemed to penetrate
your ears or chisel through
your mind

i didn't choose it
why can't i lose it
take it away

i have tried
all these years
to decide
who i am
now i know
i can live
my own way

i didn't choose it
why can't i lose it
take it away

will you know me?

2006-06-30T14:38:00.000-04:00

looks like i lost my way
don't care what i do
or what i say
don't look at me, look away.
not much to see here, anyway.
but i try...

i try so hard to make you proud
you hear my voice
i scream out loud
and i could pick you
from a crowd
but you don't know me.
you don't know me.

i rip the page, it falls away
don't want to live the same way
day to day to day
today i'll take a stand
for something i believe in

i'll try so hard to make some sense
of what i've done without you since.
now the crowd has gotten dense
and you don't know me.
you don't know me.

sometimes i'm standing in the way
i don't know how to move
the day is over then
i lost it somewhere in between
the age of mary and nineteen
now it's back again
feels like i breathed
the wrong air inside of me
lover, set me free
as if it's easy
to be free.

that's all behind me anyway
now i live different way
i want to know what my ending will be
when its over,
will i make myself proud
will my voice be heard out loud
could you pick me from a crowd
will you know me?

will you know me?

maybe it's time.

2006-06-30T14:31:00.000-04:00

staying where i am
would take too much for what i know
so maybe it's time
i just let you go.
i don't want to take the chance that
you won't stick around,
but that all depends
on what you have found in me.

i look around your place
and stumble with my words.
every time i speak
i struggle to be heard,
and i can't seem to find
a way around you.

but that's just what i do.

take another secret back
don't let it out too fast.
let your lies become part of your past.
if we're moving on then we need
one foot on the ground.
but maybe it's time
i made you a memory.

if i give a little more
that's a little more i won't
get back from you.
and that's a little more
than i think i could ever let myself do.
i've made mistakes
but i won't make that one with you.

but that's just what i do

you can destroy my life
but you can't take away my high
of all the words between my lips
the one you hear is goodbye
and i think i'm going to stay in the sky.

but that's just what i do.

staying where i am
would take too much for what i know
so maybe it's time
i just let you go.

loose ends, tied.

2006-06-25T16:06:00.000-04:00

karma is a funny thing. sometimes it can take years for something to come full circle, sometimes only a matter of seconds.

a particularly slow sunday afternoon at work provided me with the opportunity to take a walk, smoke a cig, and enjoy the beautiful breeze on this otherwise cloudy day. as i was passing binn's park on queen street, a small asian gentleman approached me. he went into the typical "my mom's in the hospital and i need bus fare to get there" fable. despite the fact that there are three hospitals within walking distance of where i was standing, not to mention that i had heard this at least a dozen times before, i decided that i was not one to judge him for spinning this tale. he may have a very good, but embarassing reason for needing the money. so i split the difference and told him i only had a dollar (i had eight) and produced it from my pocket. he left with my cold, hard cash in his hand, and i continued on my journey.

i then went around the block and was walking through the arts district near the fulton opera house. a young boy, about eight or nine, was riding his bike towards me, when my shoe stubbed the pavement and my body heaved forward slightly. as our paths crossed i heard him mutter "did you almost trip? beaaatch..." i'm not one to start shit with third graders, so i kept moving. not ten seconds later did i hear his tires scrape the pavement. i turned and noticed that he was leaning against the wall, trying to regain his balance. not able to help myself, i shouted "did you almost fall? beaaatch...." and kept walking. i heard him yell "fuck you" in an obvious attempt to rile me further, but we were even, and that's the way it should be.

i then noticed something sticking out of a sewer grate. it was a dollar.

i don't believe in reincarnation, but...

2006-06-24T17:17:00.000-04:00

the gentleman on the left is 1930's child actor/singer, bobby breen. the gentleman on the right is me, bobby breen. does anyone see a resemblance? when i was little, i wanted to be a famous moviestar/singer, just like this kid. his name is bobby breen. come on, people, it's freaky. i don't have any pictures from my younger years, but the similarities are even stronger. i was a fat kid then, so my cheeks were chubbier, and my nose stuck out more. seriously, everything but the hair. this is too weird. someone call shirley maclaine.

goodbye, orange hat.

2006-06-23T10:15:00.001-04:00

i'm pissy today. here's why.

i've been seeing orange hat. he's great. we click. it's magic, butterflies, lollipops, and celine dion songs. we talk easily, and have comfortable silence. we like a lot of the same movies, and when we don't, we tease each other heartily about our cinematic low points (bring it on? really?) we both like holding hands and having sex in public. there's passion, connection, a sense of understanding, and overall, we really like being together.

he just didn't tell me he had a boyfriend.

i'm not going to get all cliched and tell you that i've never felt like this before, that i never meet someone i click with. i haven't, and i don't, but i'm not going to say that. it's corny. what i will say, however, is that i must have fucked someone's boyfriend at some point to receive this kind karmic treatment. i know, let's let bobulah meet this guy, and have him be everything he likes about a man. let's make sure they make each other laugh, and the exchanges must be easy and natural. oh, and let's throw in a fuckload of sexual chemistry. can't forget that. what's that? he has a boyfriend? perfect.

ok, there's more to this story. he's at the end of his relationship. it's been over for a while, and he's over the guy. it's just not actually over. so i told him i would save him the trouble of having to break two guys' hearts in one year and i ended it, whatever it was. i told him to call me when he had things settled in his heart and his head. so, i got out before i really started to like him, and i gained a new batch of self-respect as a bonus. and who knows? he might call me in a few months.

i hope so.

tagged by trouble.

2006-06-23T09:54:00.000-04:00

five things in my refrigerator: minced garlic, two bottles of miller lite, a half-drunk bottle of riesling, an apple mixer, bottle of aspirin.

five things in my closet: box of pictures, broadway showcards, shoes, neck massager, sex box (massage oil, condoms, rope, lubricant, poppers, preparation h).

five things in my purse: i don't carry a purse, but if i did, i would keep in it: my cell phone, keys, cigarettes, lighter, vomit bag.

five things in my car: mouthwash, axe body spray, a googly-eyed hand puppet, a script, a harmonica

five people now tagged by me: well since i know four people on this blog and they've all been tagged, then i'm not tagging anyone. nya-nya.

p.s. i would like to formally suggest that we add "five things in your sex box" to the list of questions.

best karaoke ever.

2006-06-17T16:06:00.000-04:00

kmoney

i know there are people who were there last night who would disagree with the title of this blog, but last night was such a huge ego boost that if i hadn't been so down on myself lately i would have probably drowned in my own feces.

it started around 9 p.m. i drank three beers before leaving the house, desperately trying to dodge my grandmother's evil glances. it's not that she was worried about me having a few and then driving, she just can't stand the idea of anyone having more fun than she is. considering what her life has been like since she moved into Breen Manor (see post, "dropping like...you know") the only people having less fun than her are south african hemophiliac prostitutes and bill o'reilly (not that he doesn't engage in amusing activities, like phone sex, but his heart is so black and numb that i would find it hard to believe that he feels any joy).

i leave around 9:15, arriving at the bar at 9:30. there is a different doorman tonight, not the usual ghetto-wannabe with a bowl cut and white t-shirt the size of kirstie alley's ass. i immediately see star, our own lovable kj, and the best thing to come out of a hippie since joni mitchell's "blue". i sit and chat for a while and then, noticing my fading buzz, head to the bar. gary is there in all his emotionless splendour, and pours me a shot while i wait for my pitcher. the jack slides down effortlessly, while i, on the other hand, have trouble accepting it into my body. i do a half sneeze/half hyperventilation, and shake my head back and forth violently to keep from passing out. man, that shit is great. then i notice kmoney wandering in. ah, the great and magnificent kmoney. what can one say?

i order another shot for later so that i can focus all of my attention on choosing songs. we decide to sit at the judges table, the one right up front facing the stage. with no discussion, i assume the duties of "the paula" for the evening. this basically means i get stinking drunk and tell everyone how amazing they are. if i do say so, i fill the role nicely.

star joins us at the table while we wait for more people to arrive, and he tells us that he and his wife are separating. as we get drunker and drunker, the topic moves to women, and i mention that i've slept with a few of those in my time. star then achieves quote of the night status by saying "oh, so you're gay with a chance of women". 20 minutes later, when kmoney and i finally stop laughing, we vow to remember this for our blogs.

karaoke starts about 45 minutes late. i open the night, introduced as "diva bob" as usual, and tear through cab calloway's "minnie the moocher". it isn't my best, but a group of intoxicated early twenty-something girls seem to appreciate my effort. we then find out that this is a bachelorette party and someone named "hester" (very, very unsure of the name, but this one is amusing) is getting married in eight days. i hope her fiance knows what a fall-down lush his future wife is.

a few minutes later, i notice an attractive man with a beard enter, but just before i stick out my chest and start howling at the disco ball, i see a luscious mane of red fabulousness, and i know i'm in for some trouble. i didn't recognize superfly, because i'd only met him once and i was, you guessed it, drunk. hugs are exchanged, excited conversation ensues, and i inform trouble that my new favorite word is "fantastic", and that she should expect to hear it a lot. I do not dissapoint.

because of the light crowds, i assume we'll all be singing a few times, so i choose a fluff song for my next performance. for non-karaoke addicts, a fluff song is one that isn't really perfect for you, but that you to love sing and always have a lot of fun with. my fluff song for the evening is "miss independant" by kelly clarkson. kmoney immediately forbids it and i'm forced to rush to the stage with my slip without writing down the disc number. i sing it, and surprise even myself. kmoney grudgingly admits that it worked but that he still never wants to hear it again. what a bitch!

while i'm singing, lindsay walks in with her new beau. he's gorgeous and sweet and incredibly laid-back. my kind of guy. the energy in the room is electric and its pretty clear that this is going to be one hell of an evening. trouble, superfly, and kmoney rip their respective songs to shreds and receive healthy responses each. then its time for my third selection, "rock your body" by justin timberlake, another fluff song.

around this time, i notice that my phone is blinking. i have a missed call from an ephrata number very similar to lore's private work line. assuming she had worked late, i go outside to listen to the message only to hear lisa's voice (see post, "kmoney and my karaoke problem"). she is in pennsylvania for the weekend and wants to hang out with me and kmoney on monday. when i tell kmoney, he nearly falls off his chair and runs up the stairs to call her. we discuss monday, but i have tickets to see ani difranco in pittsburg and he works very early on tuesday. we tell her that it's saturday or not at all to see us, so we make plans for a karaoke rerun the next evening. this is how happy i am. http://alan.levien.com/alan.happy.1.jpg

by the time i get to my fourth number, its apparent that i have some fans, endearingly referred to by star as the bachelorettes. they bring me up for a song or two, dance enthusiastically during my performances, and serve me well as my own personal cheering section. at the end of the night they place a delicious blue cotton candy-flavored drink in front of me, a hearty token of their appreciation for being my fabulous self.

my big song of the night, the one i had been rehearsing for weeks, is "people" by barbara streisand. it's just in my range, not too high, not too low, has the kind of intimate feel that i prefer to convey with my singing style, and allows me to belt within my comfort area. i don't do as well with it as i had hoped, but kmoney, who had had severe reservations about my song choices for the evening, gave me my props. because his opinion is more important to me than most, mainly because of his honesty, i felt i had succeeded.

i ask star to close the night with my signature tune, "when you're good to mama" from chicago, but the crowd had been screaming "free bird" for an hour. just after i sing "people", two attractive men standing by the bar offer to pay me 20 bucks to close out with it. i eventually get 15, but decide this was more than i had ever been paid to sing anything, and oblige them with the tune.

the evening ends with our usual journey into the land that food forgot: eatnpark. i make a porcine fool of myself with the midnight breakfast buffet, and we talk, laugh, and sing more songs (because we just can't get enough). as the crowd thins, and we begin to gradually slow down, we look at each other, smiling, knowing we had just experienced something magical. a great night of karaoke, friends, and beer.

it doesn't get much better than that.

why i'm going to quit smoking.

2006-06-16T17:59:00.000-04:00

break me off a piece of that...

having completed all of my duties an hour before my 7 p.m. deadline, i decided to take a quick smoke break. i don't even have words for how strange this no more than five-minute adventure was. this is what i saw:

at least four homeless-looking men, wasted, wandering around on the street with paper coffee cups, "night of the living dead"-style.

two men in wheelchairs, one with no legs, and the other with a very large boombox duct taped to the back, blasting salsa music.

a woman with an ass so large, a 50 ft. harnass and bungee straps wouldn't have been able to save anyone in its trajectory.

one very, very attractive man.

i returned from my cancerfication session feeling a potpurri of emotions including, but not limited to: confusion, fear, disgust, sexual arousal, and a deep sense of forboding. i'm now worried that because of this sensory overload, the whole experience will mesh into a single sense memory, and i'll start trying to pick up big-assed, drunk homeless guys in wheelchairs.

if i find myself tempted to go back and drop my number into one of those little cups, you will most likely not hear from me again.

my favorite deadly sin: sloth.

2006-06-16T13:46:00.000-04:00

this was me last night.

i am proud to announce that i had the single laziest night of my life last night. i left work around 4:30, drove home, put on a 'friends' dvd, pushed play, and did not move until the next morning. not once. i didn't even pee. at one point i did get hungry, but my brother was already cooking something and offered to bring me some. i ate, he took out my dish, i changed the channel, then scratched myself for about 37 minutes.

i fell asleep around midnight to an infomercial (something about a magical clam opener or something. maybe i was having my vagina nightmare again). and woke up the next morning at 8 a.m. to my cell phone screaming in my ear. literally, my usual fetal position had somehow caused the antenna to firmly lodge itself inside my ear, and now i am deaf in my right ear from its alarm. i'm like a pretty elliott yamin.

so...that's a good 15 hours i spend completely inert.

i rock.

the idle idol test.

2006-06-15T11:10:00.000-04:00

i'm sure that, like me, many of you out there have been walking around in circles in your apartments mumbling, "after the break...after the break...." yes, i'm talking about american idol withdrawl.

some of its symptoms include: singing into the mirror and critiquing yourself; actually buying old paula abdul cds just to hear her voice; slipping in and out of consciousness; wearing warrior paint as you rehearse your audition song, while stocking up on non-perishable foods, batteries for your ipod, and old pillows you wouldn't mind throwing out after two days of sleeping on cold hard concrete in the rain only to have some ditzy mailroom clerk they picked to screen contestants tell you you're not good enough for the most mediocre singing extravaganza since madonna's last tour.

that last one rings true for me, as i have auditioned for american idol not once, but twice, with varying degrees of success. (i will detail these experiences in a future post, once they are not too painful to recount.)

so here is a test of your idol knowledge, some will be easy, some will be difficult. post your answers in the comments section of this blog. i'll post the answers when i feel like it. hey, it's at least something to do until next january.

ladies and gentlemen, the idle idol test.

1) kelly clarkson is from______________.
2) which two idol winners landed in the bottom two earlier in their respective seasons________________?
3) what is fantasia's son's name? nikki mckibbin's?
4) katharine mcphee is rumored to be a_______________.
5) how did ace young get his scar?
6) what is jon stevens cd called?
7) what song did latoya london sing in the semis that pushed her to the front of the pack?
8) simon always proclaims someone the winner during the final performance night. who did he get wrong?
9) who is the only idol contestant to sing a song a capella on the show, and what was the song/original artist?
10) where was anthony federov born?
11) how many cds did justin guarini sell?
12) what is elliott yamin's girlfriend's name?
13) what is vonzell solomon's nickname?
14) what were the vote percentages for the final three in season five?
15) who was disqualified in season one for lying about his age?
16) what was the name if taylor hicks' last independant release?
17) who was the fourth judge who quit during auditions during season two?
18) what was the name of corey clark's single that detailed his scandalous relationship with an idol judge?
19) how many stepchildren does chris daughtry have?

and finally, just out of curiousity...

20) who is your personal idol?

there you go. i know it won't satisfy the hunger until next season, and it's not nearly as entertaining as watching paula try to feel her face (see above), but hopefully it will serve as a worthy distraction. trouble and kmoney, i expect results, bitches. enjoy!

ebola fever.

2006-06-15T09:12:00.000-04:00

it's kind of like disco fever, but with less liza, cocaine, and anonymous sex.

oh, and lots more bleeding from the ass.

i'm going to commit blogger thievery and steal a topic from my good buddy, kmoney. he posted a hilarious rant on his love of high death-rate diseases that liquify your organs, and mentioned that there were a few states (whose color we shall not mention) in which he would really like to see an outbreak in his lifetime.

so, with kmoney's permission (except not, because i haven't actually asked him) and without further adue, here is my top ten places/people upon which/whom i would like to inflict this nasty little treat:

1) the 700 club

2) jerry falwell

3) on behalf of trouble, "ms." ann coulter

4) britney and kevin's, oakridge park, section three, lot 285c.

5) eat n' park (except i'm pretty sure it's already there).

6) cracker barrel (nuff said)

7) any place inhabited by those who would make a meal of anything's feet, pickled, and served with, of course, some sort of greens, collard or turnip.

8) toby keith's left testicle (can it be concentrated on just one body part? because that would be great.)

9) if so, also, laura bush's vagina. i don't want to make direct threats against the president (never know who's listening nowadays) but i'm sure he'll catch it when, once a month, laura spreads her legs to perform her godly wifechore and he pants like an ox in heat, pumps wildly, and then has three quick spasms followed by dry heaving and screaming for his mommy.

10) whoever first said, "hey, let's just film a bunch of really pretty, shallow, unintelligent people living together, while they all fuck each other and get mad at stupid petty shit they say when they're drunk, which is always. we'll call it the real world."

yeah, because that's how the real world actually is.

raise your glass.

2006-06-14T14:49:00.000-04:00

i drank a little bit last night. i lost count after five pints and one failed attempt to chat someone up. how british do i sound right now? i picked up my friend matty, an artist friend from high school who was visiting from new york, and we went to the tally ho, the only gay bar in town, for karaoke. matty was wearing, in true starving artist's form, a wifebeater, puff-painted with neon flowers and birds, a pair of plaid old man shorts, and a sweater with no less than sixteen holes. he also must not have showered in weeks because he smelled like a fresh batch of ass. this is what made me realize where the prorities of the gay community lie, and why i had never really related to them. despite his appearance (and smell), because he has not an ounce of fat on him, and a somewhat attractive baby face, he got more attention than i did. i spent 20 minutes carefully choosing an outfit that highlighted my most attractive qualities, downplayed by weaknesses, and showcased my fun, casual, yet quirky personality and i get nada. all sails were at half mast for me, while my friend who looked like Homo the Hobo was the hot shiznit.

i tried not to let this put a damper on my game. i talked to this handsome bloke (hehe) three times and each time he was completely unresponsive. then, from across the room, our eyes would meet and his gaze would be locked for about five to ten seconds. i was a little tipsy by then, and very, very confused. so i would go over and try again. i made casual, witty conversation with him and the other two gentlemen at his table. one was older with glasses. the other was probably about my age (25), somewhat overweight, balding, with a goatee, and also had glasses. later in the evening, i wandered back to their table and began babbling drunken nonsense which, at one point, included, "well, i guess i struck out on that one!" the unnatractive, balding, fat, goateed, man with glasses smiled and said, "we're here together". what???? i tried not to let on that i was in an intense state of shock, but i felt that familiar red heat flash across my face. so i passed it off as embarassment, apologized, congratulated him on finding someone so attractive despite his lack of physical capital (ok i didn't say that, but i was thinking it) and excused myself. i still think his "date" was interested in me, but i wasn't really interested enough to put more mental energy into it. besides, it's probably so hard for that man to find a date in this town.

i understand that i am probably coming off as completely shallow right now, but on the contrary. if i were getting lots of attention from the men around here, showing disdain to someone less attractive than i am would be completely out of line. however, they are not exactly knocking down my door, and i haven't been on a real date since i broke up with charlie. unless you consider smoking pot and watching gay porn a date, which i do not.

despite all this, it was actually a great night. i sang two songs really well to a great response, got loaded with a good friend, had some great conversations, etc. and i did meet someone. the thing is, there were lots of attractive men there, and i tried to make contact, unsuccessfully, with two of them. but there was only one who i could actually imagine being interested in anything more than a quick shag (cheerio!). after i hit on someone's boyfriend, smiled at someone from across the room only to be greeted with what i think was him sticking his finger down his throat and gagging, i saw this really sexy guy walk in wearing an orange hat. something about him gave me goosebumps, and i usually have no trouble talking to guys myself if the timing is right, but he made me nervous. luckily he walked over to the corner where he was greeted by my friend jon. i had already said hi to jon, but i figured another quick chat wouldn't hurt. i pulled jon to the side, and immediately his hands went all over me. i did my best to use my body language to make sure the guy i was interested in, who was sitting right there, knew i wasn't into this. so i kept my distance, while he tried to slow grind my patootie, and asked him about the cute guy in the orange hat. he said he was a friend from a previous employer, and that he was gay and single. i briefly considered asking him to introduce us, but i decided to take the middle school route: "tell him i think he's hot". i'm really losing my edge. anyway, i returned to my friends and the night dragged on. finally it was time to leave. as we were heading towards the door, i noticed orange hat sitting against the wall by himself. i firmly squeezed two round testicles from the depths of my bowels into my empty sack and introduced myself. turns out, he was interested, too, and jon had never said anything. i wonder why? i left with his number in my phone and a plan to wait three days and ask him out for coffee three days after that.

things are looking up.

p.s. a warm and healthy blogger.com welcome to my good friend k-money. a link has been set up so that you may read his inspired ramblings on none other than...ketchup.

amusements, musings, and a really big problem.

2006-06-13T17:06:00.000-04:00

1) the other day i saw the largest car i've ever seen. an excursion, i think. i wanted to tell its owner off, but i didn't have time. do people have any idea how irresponsible it is to have a car that big? or are we too wrapped up in our pathetic, small lives to care? no, don't worry your pretty little face about wittle old gwobal wawming! seriously, don't do anything. please remain on your ass. unless, of course, your nine by 25-foot hunter green mammoth with monstrous treaded tires that gets half a mile to the gallon is running on empty. then, by all means, remove the empty mcdonalds containers from your lap, turn off american idol, barrel down the street to the nearest petrolium graveyard and fill that shit up. we don't want to live in a world where iraqi blood is spilled for nothing, do we? why does anyone need a car that big? i'm sorry, are you driving up the side of a mountain after soccer practice?

2) this is funny. when i read it i thought it was real, so that might offer some explantation for my amusement, but check it out anyway: http://http:/www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/6/7michalski.html
I always felt that whitney's assertion that she makes too much money to do crack was kind of a quick gunshot to the foot. ok, then she does coke, which she can afford. she is constantly tweaked out of her mind, she's pissed away an unbelievable gift, and she is sad. does anyone really care which drug she uses?

3) i'm going to see ani difranco next week. i'm very excited because i just found out that our show is in a place that only seats 550, so it will be relatively intimate. if we get there early enough, we can reserve a table right by the stage. it's my first time seeing her and the tix were a birthday present from my friend nate, who inspired the deep love i have for this righteous babe. he'll be coming with me, and even though it's his umpteenth time seeing her live, he says that it will be our first time, so it will be special. i kinda wish he was talking about something else. haha, just kidding. except i'm serious. my job is to find touristy things to do in pittsburgh, and to supply the weed. nate's job is to think of everything ani likes and then to research areas, restaurants, bars, shops, museums that correspond to her lifestyle/interests, so that we may stalk her. the goal is to get high with ani difranco.

4) job stuff: they're cutting my position down to 26 hours per week, which means i either need to get a part-time job, which would be difficult, or find something else. if i leave, that will also mean i could do some part-time freelance writing which my position had kept me from doing (tax reasons). now, i'm a writer, so this would be a great opportunity for me and my career. i was hoping, when i took the job, that it would lead to something just like it, so i'm thinking i'm quitting my job tomorrow. comments/advice would be appreciated, and probably ignored.

in case you care.

2006-06-09T10:17:00.000-04:00

1) i am making my big return to the stage tonight in "get carter" for theater of the seventh sister. i haven't acted in nearly seven years.

2) i've decided to take kmoney's and trouble's advice and ended my fling, made a conscious effort to put charlie in my past, at least emotionally, and set aj straight on the realities of our relationship. my slate is clean.

3) i saw my good friend matty from high school last night. he's in town for the weekend. we spent three hours searching for any sign of attractive homosexual life in lancaster, only to find lots of beer and a plate of chicken parmesan from eatnpark.

4) because of our man hunt, i got zero sleep and am now falling out at my desk. i hope my boss doesn't walk in.

5) i'm starting to believe that two things cause apathy: not knowing enough, and knowing too much. when you know too much, it becomes overwhelming, because what the hell can you do? so you just read the newspaper, discuss your outrage with your friends, blog on it, and, every november, take your little robot ass down to the polls to cast your meaningless vote. i simply do not care anymore. i'm at the point where it would just be more fun to sit back and laugh while they run this overrated country into the ground. suh. nap.

that's it for now, kids. wish me broken legs tonight!

sweet hypocrisy.

2006-06-06T17:07:00.000-04:00

personally, i'm for gay marriage. not that i would ever take part in it. go, joni: "we don't need no piece of paper from the city hall keeping us tied and true". besides, we already have marriage equality in this country. all marriage sucks ass.

anyway, i found this amusing. hopefully you will too.

12 reasons gay marriage will ruin society.

1) Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.

2) Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

3) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

4) Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5) Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, Blacks can't marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.

6) Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

7) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.

8) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.

9) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

10) Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

12) Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

empty hands.

2006-06-05T14:32:00.000-04:00

everyone is allowed to be self-indulgent and serious from time to time, so here's my shot.

ok, so i've been talking my friends' ears off about my romantic entanglements lately, but i still feel like i need to get something out and, frankly, i'm tired of hearing myself talk. so i'm posting the history of my heart here, so that i can go to my friends and say, "i'm having trouble with my quasi-boyfriend, here's the address, call me when you've read it". i have an incredibly complex and bizarre lovelife/sexlife normally, but this year has been exceptionally strange.

a brief history:

gay children, unlike their straight counterparts, do not have the luxury of exploring their sexuality during those crucial teen years. this leads to an intense sexual/romantic repression. when you finally do have the freedom to explore, the term explore is no longer sufficient. some people, myself especially, have sex and date with the passion of an adhd child at an imax presentation of how hershey makes its candy. i went through many, many, many two week relationships and one-night stands. my friends eventually dismissed every mention of a new guy with an eye roll and a quick subject change.

by the time i turned 21, i was ready for something different. that's when i met aj. he was my first boyfriend who lasted more than a month, and i finally, finally fell in love. because he was here on summer vacation to work with his brother-in-law, however, it didn't last, and he went back to florida. over the next three years, i began to fall back into old patterns, and i only got over him about a year ago. i saw him last christmas and sort of had a "wow, i would never fall in love with this person now" moment. there's nothing wrong with him, i've just come a long way in the guy department. what gets me now is very different and, well, not him.

once i was sure i was really over aj, i met charlie. he was 30 (a very attractive age for me), incredibly sexy in his own "aw shucks" kind of way. very masculine and natural. to give an example of the intensity of our connection: sex for me has always been a less-than-half-hour affair--quick, painless, simple, and hot. charlie and I made out for five hours on the first date, and I thought it was like an hour. Then and there I knew I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I fell in love with him when i saw him carrying his son to bed one night after we'd been dating for about a month. yeah, that'll do it.

a brief aside: it is interesting to note that the only two men i have loved have dark, curly hair.

charlie and i were together for about six months. because this was my first real adult relationship, i was incredibly insecure and neurotic, which made him distant and aloof, which only made me more insecure and neurotic. we had very different ideas of what a relationship should be, and neither of us satisfied each other's needs outside of the bedroom. eventually, problems surfaced there as well. so we broke up, for the second time, for good, citing incompatibility. i cited pussyness on his part for not being able to handle a challenging man. he cited an intensity in my behavior that turned him off. a few months later, we decided to try to be friends, which led to sex, which led to me getting attached again. so we put a stop to the sex and are now just friends. because of the relationship, i'm more mature, grounded, and have a much better idea of what works for me and what i really want. secretly, i'd love another chance with him, but i don't think he could ever feel the same way again. so he's a mistake i've got to live with.

now i've met someone new that i really like. i'm attracted to him, we have a blast together, we talk easily and laugh often, and we seem to click. the problem is that he's not the kind of guy i would ever seriously date, and he feels the same way. i'm not sure where this is going, but i'm fairly sure it's not lovesville.

so last weekend, aj called me to see if i'd gotten my plane tickets for my visit this summer. i've never been to see him and i've promised so many times, so i'm finally flying (for the first time) to see him. he said something during that conversation that i can't seem to get out of my head. he quietly mentioned that he'd told his boyfriend, who i've met and really, really like, that if he had stayed in lancaster, he and i would probably still be together. then, to me, he said, i would really like to still be your boyfriend, if things were different. with a calmness i never thought would be possible in this situation (which i had imagined thousands of times before), i said, well things aren't different, and you did leave, and that's life, so there's no point in discussing this.

seriously, he has a boyfriend. is he trying to make things uncomfortable on my first real vacation in three years? he had a three-year window of opportunity to say this to me, and i would have been on the next flight. a part of me feels like i owe it to those three years to test my feelings and see what happens, but another part says, window closed---next. but then i snap back to reality and realize that he just doesn't do it for me anymore. the sexual connection was never really that strong, and that's something that is really important to me. i can't be in a passionless relationship. it doesn't work for me.

my friend kmoney said that i need a clean slate, and a new boyfriend. to this i replied that i sort of had my hands full. he was incredulous.

"hands full of what? a guy, who seems to want you, but you don't want anymore; a guy who you want, but wants nothing from you more than friendship; and a guy you don't want, who doesn't want you either. sounds like your hands are pretty empty to me."

i know the idea of seeing someone with whom you wouldn't get serious is strange, but it's actually really good for me right now. it's nice to be with someone and not worry about where it's going. this is a lesson i need to learn, an experience that i think will lead to a heathier relationship down the road. as for aj, i could strangle him for waiting so long to say something. and why can't charlie realize that i wasn't really myself when i was with him, but that i really truly believe things would be better this time?

so what does this all mean? do i just make bad choices? am i too generous with my heart? my penis? do i end this thing with this new guy because i know it's wrong, even though it feels more right than it did with the two guys i actually loved? or do i keep going and wait for the lesson to kick in. what if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain and falls in love with me? what if i fall in love with him? what if i fall in love with aj when i go to florida (uhhh...no.) what if i finally get over charlie and he falls in love with me again. that kind of shakespearean tragedy bullshit would kill me, i think.

i need a drink.

kmoney and my karaoke problem.

2006-06-02T16:13:00.000-04:00

i seem to have developed a mild addiction to karaoke. i blame kmoney for this. were it not for him, i would spend my saturday nights happily sedated on the couch, blissfully drinking the minutes into my own personal oblivion.

kmoney's and my karaoke history is a long and hazy one. it started after i turned 21 and began frequenting "the ho", which is the trash pit a that few straight entrepreneurs had decided would be a suitable watering hole for the local gay crowd way back in the 70s. thanks guys. tuesday night there was karaoke, and it was around this time i met kmoney and his roomate, lisa. the three of us became inseparable and though none of us remember much, we had a great summer.

after we bored of the tally ho, we remembered that we had discovered the blue star (on my 21st birthday, actually) and that we had really enjoyed the vibe. so that was our new home every monday (and sometimes sunday and thursday) for two years. then lisa moved to chicago, kmoney moved to reading, and i stopped drinking for a while, devoting all of my attention to herbals. then came the lodge.

so now, because we have become regulars at the lodge, i have met many other karaoke freaks (yo trouble) who don't work at 9 every morning and live more than an hour away, unlike kmoney. this has opened up a whole new world full of song where no one is there but a bunch of sad alcoholics who think they're at a motown revival. that's right, i'm talking about weeknight karaoke.

weeknight karaoke is a completely different animal from weekend karaoke. first of all, it's way more low-key. you might not want to attempt 'i will survive' with six of your best drunk girlfriends under these circumstances. no, it is important to choose songs that will not disturb the mood in the room: a slow, easy, alcohol-induced trance, shattered by even the most sedate disco tune. don't wake the beast.

second, the kjs are far inferior during the week. last sunday evening i chose three bum songs, one that was listed in the book, but not in the computer, one that was not the version advertised, and one that completely crashed his system. we were down and listening to otis redding for a good 20 minutes while the bartender attempted rectify the situation. the bartender.

use of a karaoke venue on a non-traditional drinking day (fri. or sat.) requires that you have come to terms with your addiction and accepted it. it is a part of who you are. because unless your birthday falls during the week, weeknight karaoke is no place for the casual singer, or the faint of heart.

dumbass.

2006-06-02T16:06:00.000-04:00

sheik /'shEk, also 'shAk for 1/Function: nounEtymology: Arabic shaykh1 : an Arab chief2 usually sheik : a man held to be irresistibly attractive to romantic young women

1chic Pronunciation: 'shEkFunction: nounEtymology: French1 : smart elegance and sophistication especially of dress or manner : STYLE 2 : a distinctive mode of dress or manner associated with a fashionable lifestyle, ideology, or pursuit

so the name of my blog has been updated to destroy any trace of dumbassness on my part. while my phonetics were correct, my word choice was not, and i didn't even spell the wrong word correctly. plus, since acquiring the definition for both words, i have realized that i am neither of these things, so the entire blog might need to be renamed completely. i really need to stop choosing things because they look or sound cool.

yaminiac

2006-05-12T18:07:00.000-04:00

in case anyone lives under a pile of shit, daughtry's gone, and elliott is in the top three. all he needs to do is break the mcpheever, and he has a real shot at winning the whole fucking thing. shouldn't be hard since she's been spewing musical vomit onstage for the past few weeks. wow. honestly didn't see this coming. how do those words taste, trouble? vote for e, like yamin it. hehe.

united states, 230, enjoyed genocide, oppression

2006-05-05T11:34:00.000-04:00

the united states of america, 230, of the western hemisphere, died today. cause of death has been ruled passive suicide.

born july 4, 1776 in philadelphia, pennsylvania, the united states (or u.s.a.) was the child of the blood of thousands of native americans, slaughtered for land and power. it spent the better part of its first century trying to find its footing in the global scene, overcoming rocky economical times, wars, civil and other, and many revolts and assasinations.

the industrial revolution ushered a new era of american dominance, and the relatively young nation became the world's first superpower, maintaining that position for nearly a century. and while the first part of its last full century saw a great depression which left thousands unemployed and starving, america's involvement in two world wars, and all of the economic benefits which accompanied them, cemented its recovery from these hard times. post-world war america was, and is to this day, the most successful and prosperous nation the planet has seen.

its health began to decline in 1963, however, when an enormously popular leader, john fitzgerald kennedy, was assasinated in dallas, texas. although the official report fingered a communist sympathizer by the name of lee harvey oswald, public cynicism grew with greater acceptance of the theory that kennedy was removed in a violent cout de tat by his own government. shortly after kennedy's death, a conflict between the united states and south vietnam, which began in the mid-1950s, escalated. the war claimed over 500,000 americans, millions of vietnamese, and divided the country. the u.s.a. left the war after nearly 20 years of involvement without a clear victory, and it never fully recovered.

by this time, television had changed the political landscape. the american psyche was no longer responding to qualities of substance, and began seeking leaders with the kind of charm and charisma they were finding on their favorite programs. this was often at the expense of integrity, ethics, intelligence, and honesty. business leaders and politicians became indistinguishable, and many scandals ensued, most famously, watergate, which led to the resignation of president richard nixon.

by the turn of the 21st century, government and business control over the american psyche was beginning to spin out of control. the first election of the century was extremely close, and was eventually decided by the supreme court. the winner, george w. bush, was placed in office by close confidents of his father, whom he had earlier appointed to the court during his own presidency. many thousands of african-americans, who presumably would have voted for mr. bush's opponent, albert gore, were removed from voting rolls in the southern state of florida and deemed ineligible with little or no explanation. many people involved in the disenfranchisement were given posts in the new administration, sparking numerous conspiracy theories. the new presidents brother was also governer of the state in question.

america was dealt its fatal blow not nine months after bush's inauguration, when religious fanatics, angry at america's arrogance and reckless disregard for the lives of muslims, hijacked four airliners. they flew two into the new york city skyline, destroying several buildings, including the twin towers, which had become symbols of american dominance. one was flown into the pentagon, the united states central military command, and one never reached its target, the u.s. capitol building, crashing in western pennsylvania.

widespread panic gripped the nation, and the attack was used as a pretext to invade iraq, a sovereign nation which the new administration had chosen as a target months before. iraq controlled the second largest reserve of oil in the world. after the war began, oil prices began to skyrocket, paralyzing the already strained middle class. oil profits were at all-time highs, and one company's ceo reportedly received a bonus of nearly half a billion dollars. the next several years were marked with political scandal, unprecedented redistribution of wealth to the top 1%, massive street demonstrations, decrease in value of the american dollar, and eventually the collapse of the united states' economy. rioting followed, many people were killed or left homeless, and government was disbanded.

the united states is survived by 280,000,000 citizens, a national debt of over 10,000,000,000,000, and two hands, covered in blood.

There will be no services.

pick...someone else.

2006-04-26T22:17:00.000-04:00

i rejoiced tonight. i rejoiced and praised the stars in the heavens with every morsel of energy and spark of joy i could summon. kellie pickler is gone.

hate doesn't really cover it. goodbye, pickle.

we now have the strongest top five in the history of idol. elliott received the third or fourth highest number of votes. certainly he'll bring it next week, so we must vote accordingly. go e.

i have nothing more to say. i must rest my dialing fingers for next tuesday. vote like yamin it (elliott yamin, for idolliterate readers). peace.

yo momma.

2006-04-24T23:18:00.000-04:00

i was watching yo momma on mtv tonight. i heard the following bodacious busts. i thought i would share.

yo momma's so old, she got pregnant and had grandkids.

yo momma's so fat, she went on atkins and wonderbread went out of business.

giggle.

dropping like...you know.

2006-04-23T22:40:00.000-04:00

tonight i herbalized with my brother and he told me i'm exactly like our father's mother, our nan. picture this.

nanny and peepaw were a severely mismatched couple. after 50 years of marriage they would spend their days ignoring each other and their evenings drifting in and out of nasty arguments, peppered with demented verbal abuse. when he died two years ago, she remained with my aunt, until she started crying every time we would take her home after a visit. so my parents built a room in the basement for my brother, and nan moved in. she now mainly sits in a chair in her room. she appears every few hours to make random comments about nothing in between screaming about doors being open. then she trips over one of the dogs.

this is not a woman i am comfortable being compared to.

i tried not to let this outrageous assertion ruin the session. once the piece was cashed, we noticed a fly on the table, struggling to fly. we put it out of its misery and brushed it to the floor with a peter frampton cd case (an act worthy of the chair). then we noticed another. and another. our eyes were then led to the ceiling a mere foot above our heads. there were at least 12 - 15 flys clinging to the tile for dear life, their tiny wings failing. now and then one would drop. right above our heads. are you getting this?
I didn't know you could get flies high. It was a Special Moment.

cheez-its, etc.

2006-04-23T21:33:00.000-04:00

this is my first blog.

i just realized how much i love cheez-its. they are crunchy and cheezy (with a z, not an s. there is difference). clearly the best snack food.

if you watch american idol, vote for elliott yamin. go e.

i really have nothing else to say right now. i'm blank.

anyway, welcome to me. peace.